It is the worst case scenario: you need to go, but you don’t have access to a toilet. We’ve all been there (if you haven’t, you suck), and, whether we were little kids or not-so-little adults, it’s a pretty horrifying situation.
I once had a friend who told me a story about how she had to pee so bad on a subway train that she thought her bladder was literally going to explode, but there was nowhere to go. After searching and searching for a public bathroom, she just wet her pants. And now she knows that about herself – if it gets bad enough, she always has the option to simply pee.
Anyway, these AskReddit stories are sort of like that. These 11 people all have learned something very unpleasant (but maybe valuable?) about themselves – you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.
1. On a Train in India (or, a Huge Bummer)
Years ago I was living and interning in India for a summer and would usually take train trips to different cities over the weekends. One weekend I was on an overnight train and was stricken with a terrible case of food poisoning half way to my destination.
I made my way to the bathroom (squat toilet) on a moving train and proceeded to have explosive diarrhea while simultaneously vomiting all over the place. Shitting and barfing hovering over a squat toilet on a moving train with many hours to your destination really makes you take inventory of your situation.
I have never experienced that level of bathroom related drama in my life. It was the perfect storm.
2. “Shit happens”
If you don’t know anything about menses, let me preface this by stating that the first day of the cycle is often the worse, and most girls get the shits while on their period.
About two and a half years ago, I had just spent the night at my boyfriend’s apartment. I’m sleeping soundly in his arms when my stomach rumbles so loudly that it wakes me up. I feel the familiar pain of period cramps, but they’re nearly 10 days early, so I dismiss it as a side effect of my boyfriend’s sizeable penis. He’s still sleeping pretty soundly and we’re in the spooning position; I don’t want to wake him by moving, so I lay there for a while while my abdomen cramps. I have to fart and decide that I can get away with it…
My brand new boyfriend wakes up to the sensation of something warm and wet on his dick. The smell doesn’t hit us until he lifts up the covers to investigate… it is a delightful mixture of poo and pennies. Apparently I covered his junk in a light spattering of both shit and period blood. I am on the side of the bed against the wall; he gets up so I can run to the bathroom. I sit up and the blood just pours out of me. On the mattress, the sheets… it’s just everywhere…
We sprint to the bathroom together and he starts the shower while I destroy his toilet. I have never, ever shit in front of someone before. I’m traumatized, just crying and pooping and pouring blood all at the same time. By the time I flushed the toilet, I’ve decided that I can never see him again.
And my boyfriend just laughs. Then comforts me, kisses me, tells me “shit happens,” then has sex with me in the shower. Needless to say, I married him.
3. Thai-Style Toilet
I was a 15 year old exchange student in Thailand. After a week of eating the local food without allowing my body to adjust from its natural Canadian habitat I found my self to be relatively constipated. One day I was travelling through a remote Thai village when I got a sudden urge to empty my bowels. Understandable considering I hadn’t shit in a week.
I asked a local to point me to a bathroom, and after a few minutes of and waddling I found the entrance to a Thai-style bathroom.
Now anyone who has ever used a Thai Toilet will realize that it can be very intimidating if never seen before. I, coming from a western country, had NO idea how to use this, and if I could have waited until I reached a western style excrement removing device,, I would have. Alas, the urge was too strong, and I commenced squatting.
I proceeded to unleash a hurricane of spicy-diarrhea stew into the dry toilet. A solid-liquid spray lasting for 15 or more seconds. After substantially loading up the toilet, I breathed a sigh of relief and looked around for toilet paper.
Well what do you know, there wasn’t any. Apparently you are supposed to bring your own wiping device, and I hadn’t known. The only 2 objects that could be utilized to help clean my drain-pipe were a grungy looking loofah and my hand. Opting to not risk contracting some communicable foreign disease from the loofah, I proceeded to use my hand to wipe up the slimy somewhat chunky mixture and rinsed it off under the tap.
Some may be shocked about how nonchalantly I just cleaned myself, but let me explain: I was DESPERATE. I felt like shit, I was panicking, and I had no idea what I was doing. So at that point it was an everything goes deal.
After wiping I guessed I was supposed to fill the bowl with the water from the bucket, so I did. However, my recent recipe of goulash had rendered draining the water (no flushing) impossible, so it ended up just filling to the top with murky brown stinky water.
By then I was on the verge of tears: I still felt sick, I was in a strange place, and I had no idea what I was doing. So I just opened the door to go outside…
And was greeted by a LINE of 8-13 year olds. I had apparently used a local school bathroom without realizing it, and they had just started their break. I turned bright red and just high tailed it out of there, leaving behind a steaming bowl of soup, a horrendous smell of partly digested chicken and pork, and a gaggle of middle school Thai kids.
Never felt so guilty and disgusted before… but I have also never felt a relief as satisfying as emptying ones bowels after a week of spicy asian food.