5. For The Dogs

I was an intern at the StarTrek.com offices, on the Paramount lot a while back. I used to sit at one of the wooden tables that are scattered around the lot, and eat my lunch, and study.

One day, Famke Janssen walks up with her dog on its leash (little Boston Terrier); she’s chatting away on her phone. The dog walks over and begins sniffing my backpack that is sitting on the ground, and starts to lift his leg.

I glare at Famke; she backs away, yanking on the dog’s leash, and glares at me in return.

4. Good Guy Troy Aikman

We used to share an alley with the then Offensive Coordinator of the Cowboys and I became good friends with his son. As a result, our families became friends and we got to meet many of the Cowboy players at holiday parties, spring training, games, etc.

I was hanging out at my buddies house and his parents told me my dad called and I had to go home. The way my dad tells the story is that I went home and was acting like a little shit pouting and whatnot which he chalked up to me being young. 5 minutes later there’s a knock on the door and my dad answers. I hear him yelling for me to come down and figure I’m about to get yelled at when I see none other than Troy Aikman at the door asking if I can come out and play catch with him and my buddy.

But wait, there’s more. As if playing catch with one of the best QB’s at the time wasn’t enough, my young, naive self figured it would be a great idea to ask him for an autograph… a Warren Moon autograph since he was playing the Houston Oilers next week… My dad was mortified and apologized profusely to Troy – he was a real sport about it and told me he could see what he could do.

A few weeks later I get a package in the mail addressed to me from the Cowboys training center in Valley Ranch. Opened it up and it was a signed and framed picture of Warren Moon chilling in a golf cart.

Troy ruled.

3. Clive Never Saw It Coming

A guy who owed me a few grand was ducking me. I paid him cash for some LCD monitors and he didn’t deliver them.

After a few weeks of him not calling me, I got pissed and drove out to L.A. Walked into his warehouse and stood quietly behind him with my arms crossed until he turned around and noticed me. I’ve never seen anyone so scared in my life. I thought he was going to have a heart attack. We had a conversation and he decided that since I’d had to drive all the way out he’d put me up for the night.

Well, this was near Hollywood and one of my favorite hotels in the world is there, a really cool place called The Renaissance. It’s right next to the Kodak Theater and by the walk of fame. I concluded my business with the douchebag and drove over to my hotel. I pulled up, tossed the valet my keys and was about to walk inside when I noticed this guy by the front door. He was obviously some sort of director, because he was wearing really ostentatious glasses and a silk scarf in 90 degree weather.

Next to him was someone I recognized. It was Clive Owen!

If you ever wondered how someone could be a movie star and why they’d make it over someone else, well, let me tell you, this guy was impressive. I swear, just standing there, he looked cool as fuck. Nice suit, no tie, open collar, looking off into the distance. I have never been that cool in my life.

But I like to mess with people, so I walked up and said, “Holy cow! Can I get a picture with you?” I made sure I was looking roughly between them and was wearing sun glasses so my eyes weren’t visible. He said, “Sure.”

I pulled out my iPhone, set it to the camera, handed it to him and said, “You know how to work it?”

He looked like a safe had dropped on him.

I moved over, put my arm around the director (or whoever he was) and smiled.

Poor Clive. Completely shocked, he held up the camera and took a picture. I took my phone back, said thanks, and walked inside. I heard the director guy laughing so hard I thought he was going to throw up.

Hey, everyone can use a bit of humility, right?

2. Here’s Johnny!

I had a dog (Walter) who hated Jack Nicholson.

I found this out when I showed the movie The Shining to my then girlfriend. The whole move Walter growled until that scene where Jack comes busting through the door. My dog lost his composure, flipped off the couch and hid under the bed growling for the remainder of the movie.

Months and many more Jack Nicholson movies later I am walking Walter down the sidewalk when he starts twitch and growl. He is well trained and never does this in public.

I scan around to see what he is freaking out about: coming at us is Jack.

I can’t think of anything else to say so I blurt out “I am sorry Jack. My dog just hates you.”

He smiles at me then delivers the best creepy face he can on short notice to my dog which sends Walter in to a full blown rage.

Off goes Jack down the road.

1. Thanks Obama

  1. Interned for the Senate
  2. (then senator) Obama sees me eating alone
  3. Sits with me
  4. I spill orange juice on him

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