People sure can get pretty creative when they have a reason, no matter how dumb that reason is…

When it comes to these 18, that reason was mostly, “I don’t want/need to go to the hospital.”

They were mostly wrong, and, after their attempts at home treatment, most were much worse off. Surprisingly, though, not all of them:

#1. “… and some TUMS…”

I used to work in a lab in a hospital in a rural town. I got a stool sample from the ER that was basically a blood clot the size of a golf ball. Sometimes the ER gets mixed up and sends me the wrong specimen, like some kind of body fluid and labeled it as urine, for example. I called the patient’s nurse and asked what the deal was with the patient and if it was really stool they sent up. The nurse I talked to said the patient thought he’d eaten bad pork and to prevent food poisoning, drank a concoction of bleach, rubbing alcohol, vodka, ibuprofen and some Tums.

#2. Separation Anxiety

As an Emt- Basic student I responded to a man who called 911 complaining of a insect crawling up his ear. Upon arrival we ask what ear the bug crawled into, he says his right ear, but keeps complaining about burning coming from his left ear. We noticed his wife standing next to him holding a bottle of insect spray, upon further questioning we come to find out she sprayed insecticide into his left ear thinking it would “flush” the insect out of his right ear. I had to explain to her that our ear canals are separated by our brain.

#3. The Kicker

Med student. A guy came in to the emergency department with 2 combs and a toothbrush in his butt. He had stuck the toothbrush up there for pleasure, but lost it. He tried to fish it out with a comb, but lost that, and tried again with a second comb, and lost that as well.

The kicker: he was there because he had gotten in a car crash. He wasn’t there to get the stuff out of his butt. He volunteered the information after we asked if there was anything else we needed to know.

Photo Credit: Pixabay/CC0

#4. Lemonhead

My diabetic grandpa used to eat all the bread/sugar he wanted, and then eat lemondrops after everything. According to him, the real lemon juice acid would counteract the sugar he had just eaten. He was convinced. The nurses disagreed and fought with him for years, but eventually gave in and let him do what he wanted because he was 97 and the food made him happy.

#5. Sucking Stones

When I was 12 I had a really irritating case of tonsil stones.

No matter what I did I couldn’t get them out and was starting to get a little desperate. I decided to use a vacuum cleaner (not a small one, an actual household vacuum cleaner) on its lowest setting to suck them out.

I ended up bleeding a lot and my uvula swelled up so much my throat almost closed. The hospital still wouldn’t take out my tonsils.

I was not a smart child.

#6. In Vein (or, GROSS)

We are a needle exchange/harm reduction station at at the clinic I work at. We have IV drug users come in pretty frequently to get their abscesses cleaned out and dressed properly. So one patient comes in wanting to get her abscess cleaned out like many other patients before her. We take her back to a procedure room and get everything ready to start. She has an ace bandage covering up this spot on her arm so of course we are thinking it’s fine because that’s better than just letting it be open to the air. She proceeds take off said bandage and exposes not only HUGE abscess but a FOUR INCH LENGTH OF VEIN sticking out of her arm that is rotting away and drying up. We are like, “uh what’s going on here?” and she says she took it out of her abscess and left it out because it made injecting heroin easier. So basically she ran her own IV with a vein she cut out of her abscess. We then called the ambulance.

#7. Listerine

A friend of mine got drunk at a party and had unprotected sex with a girl he’d just met. After he stumbled home he realized what he’d done and tried to fix the problem by dunking his junk into a cup of Listerine. He’s now a pharmacist and very proactive about giving advice to dumb-looking teens stumbling around the family planning aisle after midnight.

#8. More Lemon

Kid had a crazy high fever and wouldn’t stop crying. paramedics get on scene… and mom is squeezing a lemon while rubbing it all over the baby’s forehead because it’s “supposed to keep the fever down”. Mom was completely at a loss as to why the baby wouldn’t stop crying either. it couldn’t possibly be the lemon juice you’ve essentially been squeezing into it’s eyes for the last 20 minutes…

#9. Cancer Hole

A sixty year old woman self diagnosed herself with leg cancer and decided to treat it herself by periodically “squeezing the cancer out” of a centimeter wide hole in her leg.