We all have secrets, things we have done that we vowed never to tell anyone about. Reddit decided to tap into these stories and mine them for our enjoyment by asking its users to share.

They technically remain untold if they were only shared via the internet and are still anonymous, right? We sure think so!

1. What?

My parents took me to get my hearing checked when I was 12 because I wasn’t responding when they called my name. I pretended not to hear some of the beeps in the hearing aid test room.

As a result, I wore a hearing aid for 2 years when I was 12-14 years old.

I don’t know why I did that.

2. Lies

I went to counselling for abuse after my parents divorced, and I was never abused so they put me in the regular room with all the people there who were waiting for their siblings. I claimed my father abused me so I could go to the special room with all the abused kids. It was horrible. I had no right being in that room with all those people, they all were really messed up from what their parents had done to them, and I just got in so I could play Yu Gi Oh.

3. NAZI

My dad’s a National Socialist and he regularly goes to meetings, I was raised on Germanic folklore and the idea that I’m superior to others because I’m of German decent. I have plenty of Jewish and Slavish friends and I just tell them my dad died when I was younger.

4. Blame it on the dog

My freshman year of college I was really hung over one morning and I was back at my parents house for the rest of the weekend.

I was wearing loose fitting athletic shorts with no underwear, and kind of rocking back and forth in front of the TV to feel that satisfying slap (any dude knows what I’m talking about). Well I went to fart but instead a stream of diarrhea squirted out just at the right moment and completely missed my shorts but got all over the carpet.

I went to the bathroom to grab some TP, and by the time I got back to the living room my dad was on his hands and knees cleaning it up and yelling at my dog. I’ve never had the heart to tell him it was my accident.

5. Money maker

In gr.10 my dad made a deal with me. If I got an average of 88% he’d buy me a new laptop. Well the marks came in and I only got something like an 84-85% average. Well screw that, I want my laptop. So I went online to the regional school board’s website and downloaded a pdf template of the report card (I dont know why they would have this available). Used a pdf editor to fill in the blanks and voila, got a brand new laptop!

No regrets.

P.S. After I did this, I started selling customized fake report cards for $50 each.

6. It’s the thought that counts

I once took a week-long trip to London. My mother asked me to get her a small rock from there, because neither of us have ever been out of the country. So, I spend the whole trip looking for this rock, and finally find the perfect one. Fantastic, she’ll love it when I get back.

So I get home, I’m taking inventory of all of my souvenirs, and the rock is gone. I immediately think back to where I last saw it, it was on the bedside table in the hotel in london. Darn. So I quickly run outside and find a decent rock. I clean it off (we live in Georgia, freaking red clay is noticeable) and wrap it nicely.

I eventually gave it to her with the story “I got it from a castle”. It’d break her heart to know that I got it from our backyard :0

7.  Caught

Well, I certainly hope that my grandma takes the fact that she just caught me masturbating while we are on a giant family vacation to the grave with her…I’ve never felt so embarrassed.