Not all of us are medical professionals (duh), but that doesn’t excuse us for not having a basic understanding of how our bodies work. Well, AskReddit called, and these medical professional answered, sharing about the most idiotic patients they’ve come across–stories that will make you wish it was legal to lock someone up for being flat out stupid.

Photo Credit: Reader's Digest

Photo Credit: Reader’s Digest

1. People Like This Shouldn’t Be Having Kids

“This girl came to the pharmacy to return her birth control. I asked her why. She said she got pregnant. I asked if she took it every day. She said, “No. On the days I didn’t feel like taking it, I made my BF take it.” I couldn’t believe the stupidity. I made them answer a bunch of questions until they realized how stupid they were.”

2. Maternity Test?

“A mother requested a maternity test for her child. Not a paternity test, but a maternity test. She was convinced that her husband put another woman’s semen in her when she was sleeping. You read that correctly.”

3. All about the Green

“People who think I am taking their vital signs at 4 am to “make more money.” No, you just had open heart surgery 12 hours ago; it’s kind of a serious thing.”

4. That’s Convincing

“Walked into the local Detox one night for a “seizure” and find a male flopping himself around on the floor while some disinterested nurses watch. I give the universal greeting of EMS… “Whatcha got?” Before the nurses can answer the patient looks up at me from the floor and says “Hey, man. Down here. I’m havin a seizure.” then he goes back to flopping.”

5. Just Put It Back When You’re Done

“Drawing blood, I had an older woman say ‘Wait, you’re going to put it back, right?’.

No. I’m not. And she freaked out. She didn’t know the body will replace it.”