I guess it’s common knowledge that real life doesn’t always follow according to the way movie life does, but even so, I expect at least some amount of research to go into the big-budget films Hollywood pumps out. I mean, I pay like $20 and a kidney to see them in the theater, so surely they can spend a half a day visiting a real murderer for first hand advice, right?

Photo Credit: flickr, Aranami

Wrong, apparently.

Yeah. It turns out they can’t even take the time to Google, or YouTube videos of yahoos trying to kill, maim, or otherwise injure themselves in order to give us the most realistic way to knock a person off.

Photo Credit: Paramount Pictures

Not that the average person needs to know how to do such a thing, but come on y’all. The apocalypse in some form is looming on the horizon – ebola, zombies, one more Pirates of the Caribbean movie – and all the rules are going to change. I, for one, was counting on my endless hours in front of the television to at least give me some inventive ideas on how to defend my small dogs and freezer full of bacon.

What I’m saying is, if that was your plan, too, well…we might need another one. Because these 4 pretty awesome-looking ways to kill someone totally aren’t going to work in a pinch (or ever).

Photo Credit: Warner Bros.

#4. Wire As A Decapitation Device

This one has become super popular that even Bruce Willis gave it a go in Die Hard With A Vengeance (slicing a whole body in half, really?). The truth of the matter is that the human body is harder to spilt apart than a juicy watermelon, and also I would never try to cut any part of a body loose because a) I’m not a vampire and b) I hate cleaning up and also showering.

But in case one of those applies to you, let me go ahead and link to this astrophysicist who can also assure you that you’re wasting your time trying to de-limb a person with a phone cord. He says that if a wire is thin enough to cut you, it will snap before it gets too deep – and if it’s too thick to break, it won’t break the skin.

Photo Credit: Instagram, @nthnev

There does seem to be an exception to this rule, at least using this example of a dude on a snowmobile who ran neck first (somehow) into some wire strung across the road. It was kite-fighting wire, which is coated in ground up glass.

brb going to write a novel about a serial killer who is also a kite enthusiast.

#3. Liquid Nitrogen

According to more than one movie (Mindhunters, Terminator 2, Jason X), if you douse a person (or object or animal) in liquid nitrogen, it will instantly and completely turn into ice that you can then whack and shatter. They are all liars.

It turns out that if you come in contact with the gas, all you’ll feel is a bit chilly. And as this gem of a human being proves in the video below, nothing life-shattering (ba-dum-ching) will happen even if you toss cups of the liquid straight into your face.

Some people even use it as some sort of refreshing therapy or some crap so. It’s definitely not going to kill you or your mortal enemies in your time of need. They might even thank you for the spa treatment before they whack you.

#2. Piranhas

There’s an entire series of horror movies that’s lying to us, y’all. Piranhas do have a nasty mouthful of teeth and they will bite if the (rare) circumstances are right, but they generally have very little interest in people. Don’t believe me? Check out this clip of River Monster host Jeremy Wade voluntarily climbing into a pool of the little buggers:

Of course, the odd person has been killed – this kid, because he was drunk when he confronted the fish and so subsequently bled out after a handful of bites, and people who were tossed into infested waters already injured and bleeding. But in general, you’re pretty safe. Even if one does decide to bite you, just calmly climb out of the water and treat your injury with the Elmo bandaids in your backpack.

Photo Credit: Twitter, @marlot94

The legend of the deadly piranha actually has an interesting origin, one that we can trace back to Teddy Roosevelt and one of his many adventures. While in Brazil, he wrote about his awe in seeing a school of piranhas clean a cow carcass in a matter of seconds. What he didn’t relay (or likely didn’t know) was that the local population wanted to put on a show for the famous visitor and had spent some days starving an unusually large group of the fish in a small area.

Photo Credit: Dimension Films

Which is not nice at all, not that Teddy would have given a shit…

#1. Shoving Nose Bones Into The Brain

This one. It’s so popular, and they always make it look so stinking easy? I mean, even Miss Congeniality uses the heel of her hand to drive nasal bones upward in her self-defense beauty pageant segment, remember? Action heroes in movies like Con Air and The Last Boy Scout pull it out of their toolbox on the regular, but y’all? Have you like…seen a human skull?

There is no nose bone.

Womp-womp. 

h/t: Cracked

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