The 7th President of the United States was a murderer.
On May 30, 1806, (that’s my birthday, kids) America’s future POTUS straight-up killed a dude. Unfortunately, that is not the worst part of the story, because Andrew Jackson had a pretty nasty reputation, and he seemed to live up to it like a boss.
Let’s stop for a moment and try to describe him in the nicest way possible: Andrew Jackson was a complete bastard. His acquaintances described him as argumentative and physically violent, and he was really into solving problems by having duels with guns and dead opponents and stuff.
Just look at this dude. His face doesn’t exactly say “Hi, I’m Olaf and I like warm hugs!” now, does it? Hell naw.
It says “Someday soon I will die, and my pet parrot will be booted from my funeral because it swears so damn much. Also GTFOff MY LAWN.”
Jackson was a horse-breeder and plantation owner, and one of his biggest rivals was Charles Dickinson.
No, I am not talking about the guy who wrote all the long-winded books.
That’s Charles Dickens.
Charles Dickinson was also a horse-breeder, and these cats absolutely hated each other.
Dickinson was so entirely pissed off at Jackson for reneging on a horse bet that he published a statement in the newspaper labeling him a worthless scoundrel and a coward. He also called Jackson’s wife, Rachel, a bigamist for marrying him before her previous marriage was legally ended.
I’ll tell you right now that this was a fatal fecking mistake.
You DO NOT mess with Andrew Jackson’s wife.
They were so in love that Rachel fell ill any time he was away, and when she died (of a heart attack… 2 weeks after he became president) he had to be pulled away from her body so the undertaker could prepare it. If there was one undoubtedly incredible accomplishment you could call this man out for (besides eliminating the national debt for an entire day), it was his undying love and dedication to his wife. Damn, son.
Needless to say, Jackson was livid. He also had no interest in being a decent human being, so he challenged Dickinson to a duel and the two met on the Red River in Kentucky for a standoff.
This is where things get really impressive if you’re into murderous grudges.
As soon as they were given the signal, Dickinson fired and hit Jackson directly in the chest – just next to his heart. At this point, we have two sides to the story. Jackson claims that he chose to let Dickinson fire first, in hopes that his hastiness would cause him to miss. However, Dickinson was an expert marksman and the vengeful, calculating Jackson really wanted him to die, so that claim is arguably unlikely. Witnesses of the duel say Jackson’s first shot misfired, so it’s possible he wasn’t waiting at all. But even if he did misfire, the rules state that the duel would be over.
THIS WAS NOT AN OPTION FOR OUR FRIEND ANDREW.
He re-cocked his gun, fired a second time, and killed his opponent dead. Don’t forget that he’s still bleeding from a bullet wound to the chest… he was so stubborn that he kept himself standing upright long enough to cheat and kill his enemy.
His behavior in the duel was seen as an outrage and referred to as a brutal, cold-blooded killing. This added more tarnish to his already not-so-shiny reputation, and he became a social outcast for some time. Nobody bothered prosecuting him for murder, though. Because “back in my day…” and stuff.
Flash forward 23 years to his obviously successful campaign for presidency, where people did not care that he’d participated in nearly 100 duels and killed some dude that made him mad one time. They were a tiny bit concerned that his wife was not yet divorced when they married, but eventually it was all goods in the woods.
The voice of the people would be heard, and they decided that this murderous, spiteful, unforgiving, slave-owning cheat was the absolute perfect politician.
And why not? Jackson was a religious man! He knew how to get things done! He absolutely SLAYED! He loved his wife to death!
Consider yourself elected, Mr. Jackson.
Andrew Jackson served 8 years as President of the United States. On his final day in office, he confessed he had two regrets:
1. Not being able to shoot one of his rival senators.
2. Not being able hang another of his rival senators.
Let us all have a moment of silence to honor the memory of our former leader, who was greatly missed by his inappropriate parrot.