5. Charlie Chaplin
In the arena of ‘Not Funny In The Least,’ we have Charlie Chaplin. He was one of the first in Hollywood to make use of the casting couch (in the lewd sense of the word), and – according to film historian Kevin Brownwing – Chaplin would force women to audition silently, then get them to undress using cue cards. He would then fondle them, throw custard pie at them, lick them clean, then force them to have sex with him. If they spoke at any point, they didn’t get the job.
Charlie Chaplin (if any of this is true) was a harasser, molester, and rapist.
4. Benjamin Franklin
He preferred older women to younger ones for various reasons (none of which will earn him any feminism awards any time soon). Let’s let him explain in his own words, shall we?
…in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones…
i. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreeable…
3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much inconvenience…
5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part. The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever. So that cover all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one…
In case you missed it, that’s Ben Franklin saying that if you cover an old lady from the waist up, she’s just as hot as a young one. He also went on in this letter say that older women are more appreciative of the penis attention.
According to his apprentice Ascanio Condivi, the great master “often slept in his clothes…and boots.” Strange, sure, but I’m going to go ahead and assume he was a visionary in more ways than one, and saw the potential for the zombie apocalypse way back in the day.
2. Confederate General Stonewall Jackson
No matter how you feel about venerating generals of the Confederacy, there’s not much doubt that they remain, to this day, historical figures. And while Stonewall Jackson might be remembered by some for his military tactics and leadership abilities, he also had a very strange habit that, er, sticks out in the minds of some.
He apparently believed (according to the memoir of a friend and contemporary) that one side of his body was heavier than the other, and often walked around with one arm raised to, like, balance his blood flow or something.
Stranger still? He had to have the arm amputated after being shot by friendly fire (he survived, but died of pneumonia soon afterward). The arm isn’t buried with the body, but does have its own headstone? For real.
1. John Quincy Adams
He believed in mole people. At least, I’m assuming that he did (with all his heart, too), because he approved an expedition to the center of an earth that he believed was hollow.
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