11. In memory of

My uncle leaves his Christmas tree up year round. Good reason for it though, his son put it up and decorated it the day before he died (totally out of the blue heart attack). He says it’s the last thing his son did and he can’t bring himself to take it down.

12. Vanity shots

When I was a kid my parents were looking for a new house. Our realtor showed us a place owned by a well-known local TV reporter. The house was beautiful, but it was covered in vanity shots of the reporter. Like, old Hollywood glamor photos and they were everywhere: walls, coffee tables, mantle, dressers. Each one was completely different and there were no photos of anyone else in the house even though she was married and had children.

13. PUKE

Next door neighbors growing up. The dad was an extremely frugal guy and didn’t want his family flushing the toilet too much in an effort to save money on water. One day I’m over there and ask to use the bathroom. I go in, lift up the lid, and see just a heaping pile of poop in there. It appeared as though they just stacked them on top of one another. Turds were sticking up almost to the rim of the bowl.

But it gets grosser. I return to my friend’s room, horrified, and he says “sorry, I forgot to tell you about the pooper situation. I’ll ask my dad to get the poop stick to break everything up so it will flush.” Poop stick? It was a potato masher. So out comes his dad, Marlboro red dangling from his lips, no gloves, and he just starts going to town in the toilet. Amazingly, everything flushed. After he was done chopping the poop up, he comes and says “if either of you go #2, don’t flush.” I never went over to their house after that.

14. You gotta explain that

I went round to a mate’s house and he dropped his pants before sitting down, he just sat there with them round his ankles but didn’t say anything or even acknowledge he had done it.

When I asked him what he was doing, it turns out, the sofa was new and because it was cream leather his mum made him take off his jeans before he sat on it so it didn’t stain.

15. Weird

My grandpa’s girlfriend had a bunch of bras and underwear hanging on random objects throughout the house, for no apparent reason. There was a bra dangling from a fireplace poker. A pair of underwear hanging from the bathroom door handle. Another pair were just chilling on the arm of the couch. That was the first and last time I ever stepped foot in that house.

16. Soft-core mom

Once when I was kid (maybe 10-11) I went to a mate’s place to play video games. Walk into his living in room and on the walls are 4 giant framed semi-nude pinup photos of his mum (who was very average looking). They were done in a super cheesy 80s way but I suspect they were taken much more recently. They weren’t like full frontal nudity, but like soft-core promo shots.

I was like “Who is that?”

my mate was like, ”Who do you think?”

I said “I don’t know, pornstar?”

He was like, “No, that’s my mum”

17. Must like dogs

A massive display case in the living room, full of little Scottish Terrier figurines. Also two or three life-size Scottish Terrier statues throughout the house. And Scottish Terrier pictures, fridge magnets, floor mats, sequin pillows, etc.

They didn’t even own a dog.

18. That’s FOUL

I knew a family where the sister, every other day it seemed, would put together cake mix but not bake it. She’d mix it up and eat like three spoonfuls of it, and then leave the bowl wherever she was at the moment. Moldy bowls of cake mix with raw egg everywhere and no one says a thing. (Once, she left one in her brother’s room one week and his girlfriend used it to put her old tampons when they had period sex. He stuffed the bowl at the back of his closet for several weeks. You can probably imagine the rest).

19. Hoarders paradise

One was a guy in grade school whose house was a hoarder’s paradise. Garage full of old broken crap, hallways with stuff stacked on each side, rooms with crap strewn all around/behind furniture, like 3/4 of the house was like that. His bedroom was worse, had 2 fish tanks with nasty water and dead fish in them that he never cleaned, it was the most disgusting and disturbing thing I’d seen and smelled.

Other was a girl that was obsessed with dragons – we’re talking an adult woman in her late 20s with an entire living room and bedroom covered in dragon stuff. Paintings, pictures, sculptures, candles, mirrors, you name it and she had it. She was also kind of a nerdy introvert so that didn’t really help her cause, although she was cool once she opened up and had a couple beers.

20. *Accidentally*

My wife has a branch of her family who live in Florida.

I haven’t visited them, but my wife told me the worst is this one cousin of hers and his wife who live with the wife’s mom in some big house they got through some kind of fraud. The wife’s mom has some weird bowel issue and has a tendency to poop all over the house accidentally. They aren’t really all that meticulous about cleaning it up.