If your parents referred to sex as the “birds and the bees,” they were pretty disillusioned.

There are a couple of key elements about bird and bee mating that are absolutely nothing like what happens when you take a trip to pound town. Obviously it can be difficult for parents and kids to bite the bullet and say SEX in front of each other, but that’s not important right now. What does matter, is that the actual birds and bees are doing freakish things to reproduce. Let’s examine the truth:

1. Birds don’t screw.
They have what is called a “cloacal kiss,” which is just a more pleasant way of saying that males eject sperm out of their pee/poo hole directly into the female’s cloaca.

Girl, gimme that cloaca!

Girl, gimme that cloaca!

2. Birds lose their penises (sad face).
Guess what? Birds don’t have penises. Most types of land fowl have one in their early embryonic state, but as they develop it dies and withers away – the ultimate form of shrinkage.

chick-penis A chicken’s “starter penis” Herrera and Cohn/University of Florida

3. Ducks and geese are packing major heat.
These guys got the long end of the stick. Their penises can measure up to 9 inches in length, then retract when they aren’t using them. Sorry, chickens – no hard feelings.

pensis Herrera and Cohn/University of Florida

4. Male honey bees, aka drones, are merely sperm banks.
They seriously have no other purpose than to mate with the queen, and if they try to stick around in the fall, they get evicted from the hive.

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5. Drones commit sexual suicide.
When a drone mounts his queen, he’s giving life the long finger and sacrificing himself for the good of the hive. As he ejaculates, his penis – which is also enormous:

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– explodes and pops off inside the queen (it’s actually audible to the human ear), then he dramatically falls to the ground (because it all happens in flight)… and dies. Sad, yes – but there are worse ways to go.

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So you see, when Mom and Dad were trying to teach you about bumping uglies, their sweet, innocent sounding “birds-and-the-bees” euphemism was clearly misconstrued.