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Let me tell you a little story about my friend who we call “Gramps.”
He’s cranky, always in pain, and he falls asleep at the drop of a hat, even if he’s at a party with the music cranked to 11.
Did I mention he’s only 39-years-old?
That’s right, he’s an old man trapped in a younger person’s body. Do you know people like this? Perhaps you ARE a person like this.
People on AskReddit share the “old person” things they do on a regular basis. Share yours in the comments.
#1. Too damn loud!
“My wife got sick of me turning up the volume on the tv “too loud” when I could barely hear it and still needed captions.
So I got those wireless headphones that connect straight to the tv so I could hear at my own volume and she can set the ambient volume at a normal level.
She did get a little annoyed when she realized now I can’t hear her at all while they’re on so I got her a mini whiteboard with a dry erase marker.”
#2. To the mall!
“I’ve been to a shopping mall before all the stores were open, so I just walked laps around the mall until they opened.”
#3. Ouch
“I pretty recently threw out my back while putting on socks.”
#4. Oldtimer
“I actually always have a bag of Werther’s hard candy in my car.
Also I’m kinda terrible with computers.
I’m 27 but my friends call me an undercooked grandpa.”
#5. Let’s call it a day
“I was headed for the rec center to get in a work out. As I’m getting in my car, I remembered something I forgot.
Went up stairs, got it, came back down. Repeated that about 3 more times including once when I got back upstairs I forgot what I was looking for. I was breathing pretty hard and just decided to call that my work out.
Showered and turned on the TV.”
#6. Secret weapon
“I’m part of quiz team of 50-60yo men called “The Old Gits” that does pub quizzes in a golfing pub. I am a 25yo woman, and probably the youngest in that pub by about 20 years. 90% of the questions are ‘before my time’ but I help out with all the gaming and ‘youth culture’ questions that throw all the other teams off. I’m their secret weapon.
I get to learn a lot of interesting stuff and there’s a great selection of real ales there. I love it.”
#7. That Matlock is something else
“I evidently have the same tv watching habits of my late grandparents.
My dad makes fun of me for watching Matlock and Murder She Wrote like his mom did.
At some point, I noticed that all of the commercials between my shows were for things like alert bracelets and walk in bath tubs.
Even the commercials for toys were like “Your grandchild will love this for their birthday!”
Time to go yell at some kids to get off my lawn.”
#8. A big grudge
“Had a zoning dispute turn into a years-long grudge.
A neighbor put a complaint in about a tool shed in our backyard when we built a garage. Town came out and made us tear it down to avoid the fine (the shed had been there for over a decade and when we built a garage the shed became out of compliance).
He was a world class assh*le; the type of guy who would never confront a problem or talk to a neighbor man to man, but peer out his window and play tattle tale any time a neighbor made an improvement to their house. He was an insecure and petty man. So petty that he once called the cops over me playing catch in the street with my old man when I was a kid.
He’d call the cops for noise complaints during a family BBQ…at 5pm. He would make an anonymous tip if someone Installed a back yard hot tub. He’d call about a new boat in the driveway. He’d call the town about fireworks on the 4th. He once called the town about my fathers flagpole and USMC flag.
I was brought up to turn the other cheek, and my parents were never the type to escalate. but that Zoning violation call could not go unchecked… so I waited until the right time.
Well guess what Vern. The ASPCA call years later about your puppy breeding. Me
The fine you got for your wife’s un-licensed day care she was running out of the house…Yours truly
When your teenage daughter got drunk with her friends while you were away and sideswept the car down the street… How did they know what door to knock on? Say…My…Name
So when you’re sitting home asking yourself what went wrong. Why your unfulfilled and bored wife with nothing to do during the day abandoned your marriage. Why you failed as a parent and your daughter had to take the bus everyday in college. Why you don’t even have the company of a pet… I want you to remember,
You should have never opened your mouth about that f*cking tool shed.”
#9. Damn younguns
“I’m only 30, and I’m waaay too suspicious of teenagers.
A few groups of kids cut through the parking lot of my apartment complex in the mornings to get to school, and I’ll just peek through my blinds with squinted angry-eyes and sip my coffee while muttering to myself, assuming that these kids are up to no good.
There’s no reason for me to do this but it’s basically a part of my morning routine, now.
Oh, and I frequently sneezefart.”
#10. The way it goes
“Wake up before 7am every day.
I have no reason to be up early on weekends, but still find myself having my morning coffee alone. At 6:30.”
#11. Transformation: Complete
“I’ve started standing at my front window with a cup of coffee and scowling at the squirrels digging up my flower beds.
My transformation into my father is complete.”
#12. Get a good head start
“Meeting’s at 10, should only be a 15-minute drive for you”
“I’ll leave at 8:45.”
#13. I’m with you on this one
“Go to bed early on a Saturday.”
#14. The classic Granny look
“I sit in my chair with a blanket draped over my legs.
It’s warm and cozy, OK?”
#15. Keep it down!
“I have a downstairs neighbor that likes to throw ragers on the weekends.
If they go on too late, I go down in my jammies and tell them to pipe down because I typically wake up at 5:30am, even on the weekends.
He’s in his late 50s. I’m 33.”
Okay, so I feel old now. How about you?
Which of these stories made it seem like you were 80 years old?
Let us know in the comments!
