All kids do embarrassing things, right? Every single day I count my lucky stars that I grew up before there were cell phones in every single hand, ready to document said embarrassing things for all eternity. Seriously. I think kids today really do have things worse in some ways.
I’m guessing these 15 people are thankful for exactly the same thing.
#15. Gently rolling in and out of the waves.
“When I was about 5 years old I shat in the ocean on a crowded beach and watched in horror as the turd floated and then washed ashore, gently rolling in and out with the waves. Just rolling, rolling, rolling…”
#14. A very awkward talk.
“When I was around 5 or so I used to go to the side of my house with a shovel to shit. Now you might be thinking I dug a hole a shit in it. I wish. I would defecate onto the shovel and then fling it over the gate, onto the street. I remember eventually getting caught and having a very awkward talk with my parents.”
#13. You punch like a girl.
“In first grade, pretty normal kid, liked to play video games. Video games like the original super smash bros.
I was often bullied by this one kid. One day he says something to me in the middle of class, in front of everyone, that pushed me too far, Don’t remember what it was, but I decided to punch him. I get out of my seat… in front of the entire class… walk over to him… in front of the entire class… and start swinging my arm in a wind up like DONKEY KONG IN SUPER SMASH BROS… in front of the entire class. I was about to punch him, until he says “you punch like a girl.” The whole class laughed, the teacher laughed and I walked back to my seat without ever swinging the punch.
Decades later and it still kills me to think about.
EDIT: Lol no guys, I’m not still charging the punch.”
#12. Oh, okay.
“I liked this boy in my art class and found out through some mutual friends that he lived a few blocks from me. So instead of just talking to him at school like a sane person would I decided Id get his attention by sneaking out of my house at 4am with a big bag of garbage, walking all the way to his house, throwing the garbage all over his lawn, then ringing his doorbell and running back home. The next day at school I asked him if anything weird happened at his house last night, when he said yeah I revealed that I was the one who “pranked” his family last night. He just awkwardly said “oh okay.” and didn’t talk to me for a few months after that. What the fuck was I thinking?”
#11. I basically had to pee upward.
“Went on my first date at around 13 to Finding Nemo with a girl and her friend when it first came out in theatres. Ate a bunch of popcorn with a huge soda and ended up sitting through the last 30 minutes of the movie having to pee so, so bad. Being an awkward early teen, I didn’t want to get up and awkwardly crawl through the packed movie theater so just endured the pain. Afterwards, I ran to the packed bathroom and waited in line behind a ton of other men awkwardly for a urinal. Finally, one opened up in my line and I rushed up to it only to realize that the base of it was at my crotch level, so I basically had to pee upwards to get it in the urinal. I had to pee so bad and felt so awkward about the whole situation that I started peeing but didn’t want to be even more weird and look down at where I was peeing in front of all the other men waiting to piss. So… I just kinda stood on my tiptoes and stared at the wall, initially getting it in the bowl but then becoming unaware of where my pee was going…I ended up spraying the front of the urinal, getting my entire lower front covered in piss bouncing off the contaminated urinal, and soaking the floor and probably the guys feet next to me. Upon finishing my giant pee, I realized the shit I was in as I had to meet my date and her friend outside the bathroom along with walk past the line of guys waiting to use the urinal behind me. I ended up rapidly pretending to spray myself with water at the sink and then walked out with my sweatshirt on, but with my hands in the front pockets stretching it down, trying to cover up my crotch and upper thighs. I rapidly said bye without a hug and hopped in the front seat of my moms minivan and rode home smelling like pee. It was awkward.”
#10. For you!
“I had an older cousin who I overheard say she was going to be a porn star one day. I had no idea what that was (9yrs old). One day we went to the mall with her parents and a kiosk was selling license plate holders. One said “#1 porn star”. I very loudly said “look Angie! #1 porn star!! For you!!” The look on her parents face….”
#9. White soccer shorts.
“I shit my pants on the jungle gym at school while waiting for my mom to pick me up. Another kid shouted “someone smells like poop” so my logical response was saying “whoever smelt it dealt it” and walked away.
Oh yeah, I was wearing white soccer shorts.”
#8. What the hell was that?
“I was in a small restaurant with my dad and brother and when I went to the bathroom, I decided to belt out the chorus to “Weird” Al’s The White Stuff in full volume thinking the bathroom would contain my vocals. I walked out realizing the restaurant was quiet and when I sat down my dad goes “what the hell was that?” and when he saw the confusion on my face he proceeded to explain to me that the ENTIRE restaurant heard me.”
#7. I dove right in there.
“I told this story years ago on reddit and got the tag Santa Molester.
But one Christmas when I was about 5/6ish years old, I was in line at the mall to sit on Santa’s lap. I decided that I wanted to give him money to go towards feeding the reindeer, and since I was 5/6 that money was basically a handful of nickles and dimes and probably a couple pennies. Not much maybe like 40 to 50 cents in change.
My turn came up and I sat on Santa’s lap, and I tried to hand him the money but it fell out of my hand… and right down onto Santa’s crotch. I dove right in there trying to pick up the money with my little boy hands and Santa hastily said (very hastily): “Oh, ho, ho, it’s okay. I’ll get it later.” And put my on the ground to send me on my way.
So, yeah, I molested Santa Claus, and indeed, it still haunts me to this day.”
#6. Stop hugging my mom!
“When I was in kindergarten waiting outside to be picked up by my mom, I saw her approaching. I closed my eyes and ran at her and hugged her. Opened my eyes and I apparently I had not aimed correctly as I was hugging the wrong woman. One of my classmates yelled at me to “stop hugging their mom”.
I still think about it.”
#5. To no avail.
“I pissed myself in primary school in year 5 (uk). I was so shy I didn’t want to put my hand up and ask to go to the toilet so I tried to hold it in until home time, which was only a few minutes away- but to no avail. Once the floodgates were open and there was no going back, I decided that the best course of action would be to look as nonchelant as possible, and just maybe, no one would notice. So I stood there, silently gazing out of the window and pissing myself, trying to appear as though I didn’t have a care in the world.
Obvs that was a shit plan of action and of course everyone fucking noticed. Just when I thought I’d reached the climax of mortification however, when the whole class was watching me piss myself in stunned silence, the (very sweet) teacher said ‘Bonnie?’ and my fucking mouth decided to blurt out ‘IM BEING SICK.’
The teacher muttered ‘You’re… being sick.’ And I responded, defiantly, with piss streaming very obviously down my legs and all over my white (or, yellow) socks and into my shoes ‘Yes. It’s not wee. I’m being sick.’
Good times.”
#4. Safe to say it did not.
“When I was 7, me and my family were visiting Edinburgh and we decided to go to the botanical gardens. While there, I was drawn to these giant Lilly pads. I suddenly had memories of watching frogs jump on smaller sized Lilly pads and thought it would be an excellent idea to try and hop onto one to see if it would hold my weight. Safe to say it did not, and it was a long, wet walk back to the car after an embarrassing explanation to the managers of the gardens as to why one of their giant Lilly pads had a child-shaped hole in it.”
#3. The loudest public fart known to man.
“Back in 8th grade, I had just come back from lunch break and was sitting down for science class. Had been holding in a fart for a few minutes and wasn’t too worried about it. Then the urge to sneeze struck and before you know it, I was sat in the middle of the class – everyone silent, and every pair of eyes on me – as I came to the terms with the fact that I had just done the loudest public fart known to man.
Of course, I tried to cover it up by saying “What? Why are you all staring at me?” Teacher even helped me out by shifting attention away, god bless her soul.
I still have nightmares to this day.”
#2. The actual nasal excavation.
“In elementary school I used to pick my nose, drop my pencil “by accident”, then wipe my boogers into the carpet when my hand was already down there to pick up my pencil. Two problems with my foolproof plan:
I wasn’t discreet AT ALL with the actual nasal excavation
I did this shit like every five minutes
Edit: the elusive carpeted classroom was in Utah, USA. Why is this so fucking exotic to y’all?”
#1. The spotlight shines on me…
“My mom took my brother and I to the circus when I was about 5 or 6. We got slushie drinks during the circus that were pretty frozen. Trying to break up a big piece of ice I jammed the straw to the bottom of the styrofoam cup putting a hole in the bottom and getting cherry slushie all over me. I started to cry when everybody was quiet watching the the tightrope walker do his thing. Here I am screaming, covered in red stuff and a spotlight shines on me. A lot of people gasped thinking something really bad was happening. They stopped the show for a few minutes. The only thing more red than my shirt was my mom’s face. I still think about that from time to time, and call my mom to apologize sometimes when I’m drunk.”
Would you dare confess your worst? Not me!
