Do you remember the dumbest way you ever hurt yourself?
I remember mine. I punched my brother in the head and broke my hand. Whoops! For the record, I feel terrible about it now…sorry.
In this AskReddit article, people admit the stupidest ways they’ve ever hurt themselves.
1. I’m too young to die…
“Used to work at a recycling plant and everyday 1 hour till the end of our shift we had to clean up.
So I was sweeping the concrete floor with those long, fuzzy brooms. After 20 minutes of sweeping I’m getting bored of looking busy so I set the end of the handle in between my chest and continue walking while simultaneously pushing the broom.
As I’m sweeping like an idiot on the smooth concrete, I hit a worn out portion of concrete where it’s rough and jagged and the end of the handle comes flying up and hits me right in the throat.
I can’t breath for what seems an eternity and I’m thinking to myself I’m too young to die.
Realistically, after 5 seconds I was fine.”
2. Right in the nuts
“You know how when you put a comforter on a bed you kind of whip it from the edges to make it fall into place? I whipped it so hard that the wave crest of the comforter hit the chain cord for the ceiling fan, which was on. The chain cord had a weighted ball at the end that swung up into the spinning ceiling fan. The weighted ball broke off the chain and became a projectile that nailed me in the testicles hard. I dropped to the ground immediately and was in pain for a solid day.”
3. Mooning gone wrong
“In college I went to visit one of my roommate’s hometown. It was a well visited summer destination, with a large lake. We took his Dad’s boat out and proceeded to check out the girls and blast around the lake. Being the smart 19 year old I was, I decided to moon him from the front of the boat. Well, he cut the engine and we hit a cross wake. My bare a** flew over the front. I hit the bottom middle of the boat, twisted, and my bare bum was dragged under the prop, getting cut from the small fin under the blades.
My legs went numb, and my bathing suit was around my ankles. My buds had to help me onto the boat with my junk hanging out. As I regained feeling in my legs, we went to the hospital to make sure not much more than my ego was injured all while my buddy kept asking me if I was going to sue his dad.
I tweaked my story to the nurse, saying I just fell over the front. She suspiciously asked why my bathing suit wasn’t cut up. I told her it was just big and must have fallen down.
Two days later, I had to drive my broken self 8 hours back to school and call off my job for the week (doctor’s orders).”
4. Not too bright…
“My dad had taken me and my siblings to get ice cream. He was pulling into the driveway. I wanted to see what would happen if I opened the door and put my foot on the ground. You get hurt is what happens.
Also grabbed the cord from a hot iron after being told not to about 6 times. Fell on my chest.
Was super hungover another time and tried to plug a cord in. Put my body in a weird position. My left side cramped. Stretched the other way to uncramp it. That side cramped. Then one of my calves cramped. Just had to wait it out and move around like an idiot.
I get off my couch after a nap kind of aggressively. I push myself up with my hand and swing my feet out and under me in one motion. One time they were wrapped pretty right in the blanket. Luckily my face was there to catch my fall.
No idea how I’ve made it to 27.”
5. Stabbed
“At my second grade Christmas concert we were drawing pictures before the show and I accidentally stabbed myself in the head.
Blood everywhere, pencil sticking out of my head I ran to the teacher who of course freaked out and rushed me to the nurse. She yanked it out and gave me a bandaid (this was the early 90s.)
It didn’t really hurt. I got a cool scar and still sang in the Christmas concert.”
6. Clumsy
“I sneezed as I was walking, tripped over a box and then went head first into the wall. My poor anxious father was in the other room and just heard a really loud THUMP followed by me cackling hysterically at my own stupidity. He came running in and I was holding my nose with clear fluid running out, unable to put a coherent sentence together (from laughing too hard).
He was convinced it was spinal fluid for some reason and that I had a concussion. He made me go to the doctor (thankfully not the ER). It was just some runny mucus that got knocked loose from my sinuses.”
7. Bowl in the face
“There was a dirty bowl left in the center my now wife’s coffee table in college. Her roommate had painted the table with the wrong kind of paint which caused everything to stick to it. So I went to pick this bowl up and it was REALLY stuck on there. So in my infinite wisdom I thought to myself ‘I bet I could pick up this entire table holding nothing but the bowl.’
Mind you this table wasn’t light by any means but I gave it a try anyway. I succeeded in lifting the table a good inch or two off the ground when it suddenly gave way, causing me to slam the bowl directly into my face. I still have a unibrow scar from that incident.”
8. Eye injury
“When I was like 13 I was stripping some cables with a pair of scissors to rewire a table lamp with a longer cable. Being a dumb little sh*t, I stripped by applying force in a face-ward direction. When the cable casing let go, my hand flew towards my face, jabbing the very tip of the scissors into my eyeball.
When this happened, time slowed into the most serious bullet time I’ve ever experienced, and I could feel the scissors hitting three distinct layers as it went in. Like how it feels when you cut an onion, and you can sort of feel the layers of the onion, right?
Anyway, it was just left of the iris. No damage was done and it just stung for like a few hours with a tiny blood dot as the only proof it ever happened and then it was good as new. Scared the sh*t out of me.”
9. Face first
“As a kid I was running to hide from someone around the corner of a brick wall, so that I could jump out and scare them. I turned around to check if they were behind me while simultaneously starting to run around the wall. I undershot my turn, so when I looked back in front of me I was staring face first at the corner of the wall running full speed. That was the first time I had to get stitches.”
10. That poor penis
“Not me, but my husband burnt his peen on a plug in heater. My dog bumped past it and it fell while my husband was freshly naked and about to get dressed from taking a shower.
The metal heating plate on it was a honey comb pattern so it basically branded that pattern on his penis. The E.R. nurses kept coming in to see what was I’m sure to them entertaining and strange injury. It was hilarious aside from his understandably and excruciating pain.
Luckily for my husband his E.R. doctor was male and made sure the pain was taken care of. The doc was just covering his manhood in horror while trying to maintain composure. That was an interesting night.”
11. Ouch
“Literally stepped out of bed while talking on the phone and breaking one foot, simultaneously spraining the other one.”
12. Yes
“You ever try and pull the blankets up and end up punching yourself in the head? That.”
13. Rabbit attack
“Stuck my finger in a rabbit cage at a friend’s house and had one of my finger nails get chewed off.
Also walked around my house looking through binoculars backwards and walked straight into a wall, getting two black eyes in the process.”
14. Accident prone
“As a kid I kneed myself in the face and knocked out my front teeth trying to crawl through a play tube. A few months ago I threw out my back blowing my nose.”
15. Flesh wound
“Forgot I was holding a plastic butter knife, went to scratch my eye and somehow cut my fuckin upper lip and started gushing blood.”
