#4. The King Has Returned

“One morning I opened my eyes and my daughter is staring at my face and says softly in a monotone, emotionless voice “The king has returned”, turns around and walks out of the room. ‘WHAT THE FLUFF DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT KING?’. It bothered the crap out of me. I threw off the covers and ran into the living room ready to do some kung-fu fightin’ in my boxers…she was watching The Lion King.”

Photo Credit: funnyjunk

#5. I Speak Fluent Whale

“A few years ago, I was living in a house with my brother and 4 or 5 other people. He had just finished his shift at Applebee’s and got home around 2am. No one else was in the house (we had all gone out drinking), so he was alone in a dark, 100-year old house. He put his iPod into its speaker/dock, and went into the kitchen to get a drink. Suddenly, he hears a noise. It’s a low, not-quite-growling sound, but definitely organic. It stops. He hears it again, this time higher in pitch, with the sound fluctuating slightly. He slowly creeps through the house, trying to find the source. Every couple of seconds there’d be another long, drawn-out noise…sometimes low-pitched, sometimes high-pitched. Eventually he started wondering if a sick/dying/rabid raccoon had somehow got in through a window and was in someone’s closet. He grabs a broom (for “defense”) and keeps tracking the sound. Eventually he’s able to narrow it down to either his bedroom or the room across the hall from his. He stops and listens. He hears the sound again, this time definitely coming from his own bedroom (where he was just a few minutes before). He lunges through the door whipping the broom around Donatello from TMNT. Turns out there was a MP3 of “whale songs” on his iPod, and he had accidentally hit “Play” on shuffle mode when he placed it into the speaker/dock. Still though, can you imagine hearing whale songs in your dark house at 2am?”

#6. Holding Hands Isn’t Always Cute…

“I woke up one morning and went to stretch my arms under my pillow and suddenly my hand found another hand lying under my pillow. I grabbed on, snapped upright yanking my hand out from under the pillow, and found my self holding hands with myself. Apparently my left arm was completely asleep and i was too asleep to notice. That sure got the heart rate going.”