9. Make it work
I was the third person in a polyamorous relationship for about six months. I was the girlfriend to a married couple. Between the two of them, they had three kids, all from previous relationships, none together. I actually bonded really well with the kids. I’m still in touch with the two girls, one of whom is an adult now. Unfortunately, that relationship was not at all a good example of what polyamory is. For one thing, there was deceit and that’s poison to any relationship, but especially to a polyamorous one. Basically, everything is exponentially greater in poly relationships, whether it’s good or bad. So, the bad stuff was really bad. Neither of them told me that their marriage was already on the rocks, that they’d been in counseling and given themselves a year to work it out or they’d divorce. So, I felt like bringing me in was a very poorly thought out bid to revive their relationship, and I very much resented being put in the middle of their very melodramatic and hysterical arguments.
I stuck around as long as I did basically for the kids because I felt like I was the only one trying to shield them from their parents’ outrageousness. The youngest had no clue what the true nature of our relationship was, but the older two did. It never seemed like much of an issue to them. I would have liked to sit down and talk with the older two, but the parents insisted they didn’t want to do that. So, everyone basically acted like I was a friend who slept over. Their marriage wound up falling apart and they divorced. All around, it was a bad experience for everyone, but again, it was because it was done all wrong. There was no honesty and openness, and that doomed the relationship from the start.
Now, I’m in a wonderful, happy, loving, honest marriage. He and I have threesomes fairly often, and there’s one woman we’ve been seeing regularly for several months. She’s become a good friend. I don’t know that we’ve labeled it polyamory, but we definitely all care for each other. It’s working out well because we’re all very honest and open and able to talk to each other when things come up, as they inevitably do. My husband and I have a son who’s three, so he’s too young to understand more than that we have a friend over. As he gets older, I plan to scale back so that it’s not quite so obvious what’s going on, and then when he gets old enough to understand, answer any questions that he has in an honest and age-appropriate way.
I hope to show him that relationships don’t have to be one thing or another. There is no “right” kind of relationship, just the one that works for you and your partner(s). As long as there is love and honesty, you can make it work.
10. Funnier
I didn’t even know my parents were polyamorous until a few years ago (mid-20s). Growing up, I just had a lot of “uncles” and “aunts”, and I thought it was funny my parents had so many close friends. It was a running joke for my sister and me, then it turned out to be real, and it got funnier.
11. Multiple parents
My partner and her husband had their first child at the start of this year. While it’s too early to draw anything long-term out of this, what I can tell you is that having three primary caregivers seems to be much easier than having just one or two. Two feels like it ought to be the minimum. I have no idea how single parents cope!
12. Not a good family
My dad married two wives. My mom is his second wife. It’s going to sound horrible, but my dad married my mom because he wasn’t happy with his first wife. Growing up, I was always pressured to be my best (I try, but I’m pretty average) because of my half siblings. My half siblings are leeches. I don’t even acknowledge them as my own blood. Dad is retired, living on a pension, and they are grown adults with their own families and kids and still asks for my [Dad’s] money.
Dad and first wife married because he got her pregnant, and back then it was a taboo topic to be pregnant before being married so they had a quick ceremony. I only recently knew this little tidbit when my mom told me, but I wasn’t surprised.
Overall, I’d say I’m an okay kid. I’m 23 now. No one else knows about my dad having two wives other than my ex. Growing up, I never really cared much about my other family. My mom taught me well. My dad’s first wife pretty much let her own kids run amok. My half sister got pregnant at 16, married and divorced with five kids by the age of 32. My half brother got married twice – and twice my dad had to pay for the wedding because he couldn’t afford it. My half brother still didn’t pay him back a single cent, yet tells him sob stories about how he can’t afford to pay xx bills with his meager salary. My other two half siblings are no better.
13. Parental point of view
Weighing in as the parent:
It is really going to depend on a number of things. The type of relationship between the adults, the type of relationship between those adults and the child, the adults’ fitness as parents regardless of the relationship, the support of the connected families, etc.
I believe our situation will produce a wonderful child.
There are three total, in a V relationship. The third is the biological parent of the child with one of the married couple. However, the relationship well predates the child. We had lived together for several years before the pregnancy and had time to bond as a family. Now that we have a baby, everyone acts as a direct parent of the child. Someday, we will have to tell her all of the details and we haven’t yet made a plan for that, but hopefully, by the time we get to that point, it will not matter. We all love her and show her affection regularly.
Additionally, we have support from our families. I’m certain they have their own views about it as they are all monogamous but, as far as we’ve seen, everyone is happy to have an (or another) child in their lives. They have all been very loving and accepting.
Then, to top it off, we are all educated with a variety of interests and a large group of friends of all sorts who expand the types of possibilities that our daughter will be exposed to, and two of us have experience raising children, though none of our own.
Our daughter is very happy (at almost one) and is well attended to with the support of a family that will encourage her to excel in whatever she chooses to pursue, a family who will expose her to a large variety of skills and interests, and a family that will be by her side through whatever may come.
We are lucky to have such a situation and I am not at shame to say that I expect we will end up with a bright, happy, well rounded, contributing member of society. Not all children of a polyamorous relationship will be dealt such a wonderful hand in life but, likewise, neither will all children of monogamous relationships.
