Everyone knows that German is a weird language. There are lots of vowels, and in order to speak it correctly, you kind of have to sound as angry as possible. Plus the words get really, really long.
It turns out, though, that their insults are surprisingly creative and funny.
So the next time you really want to let someone have it, try doing it in German!
20. I broke up with him because everyone knows he’s a “pleasure newt.”
A lustmolch is someone obsessed with sex, but it literally translates to “pleasure newt.”
19. Don’t hire that “driller of thin planks.”
If you refer to someone as a dunnbretthohrer, he’s someone who takes the laziest route possible, not the best.
18. Stop being such a “brain denier.”
In other words, use your smarts, gehirnverweigerer.
17. She’s a real “gossip aunt.”
Someone who likes to gossip and spread rumors is a tratschtante.
16. His daughter is a “little snot spoon.”
A rotzloffel is a brat.
15. What a “butt violin.”
An arschgeige is someone who doesn’t perform a task up to par.
14. That guy is nothing but a “butt with ears.”
A total, blithering idiot, otherwise known as an arsch mit ohren.
13. Eh, he’s such an “asparagus Tarzan.”
This one might be one of my favorites – spargeltarzan refers to someone tall and gangly.
12. He’s “someone who waves back at Teletubbies.”
Y’all, I cannot with this one, used to describe someone who just isn’t too bright – teletubbyzuruckwinker.
11. Did you see that “varnish monkey”?
A lackaffe is a man who dresses garishly in public (not that it’s anyone’s business).
10. Stop being a “banana bender.”
If you’re spinning your wheels engaging in a pointless task, someone in Germany might call you a bananenbieger.
9. She’s nothing but an “evolutionary brake.”
If someone is so dumb they’re threatening the evolution of all human life, they’re ripe to be called an evolutionsbremse.
8. You’re a “lump of puke.”
A simple kotzbrocken should do the trick if you’re short on time.
7. She was a bit of a “guzzling woodpecker” at the office Christmas party.
Someone who hits the bottle a bit too hard is a schluckspecht.
6. Hurry up, you “bag of whale blubber.”
If someone is driving like a grandma in front you during your commute, bust out a well-timed trantute.
5. An “ant tattooist.”
For all of the nit pickers in your life who obsess over tiny little details, you’ve got a new one – they’re an ameisentätowierer.
4. When push comes to shove, she’s a “trouser-pooper.”
A hosenscheisser is a coward of the worst order.
3. Instead of “full of hot air,” the Germans prefer to call someone a “hot air gun” or a “babble bag.”
Heissleuftgeblas or labertasche refers to someone who talks a lot about nothing.
2. Somebody is a “smelly boot” today.
I’m definitely going to start using stinkstiefel to refer to the grumps in my life.
1. Her face just invites a slap.
Ever meet someone who’s face just makes you want to slap them? Yes? Now you have a word for that – it’s backpfeifengesicht.
I honestly had no idea I could laugh this hard and something that originated in Germany.
I wonder if they make Germans laugh.
Probably not.
