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#13. The third wheel
“He brought his mother on our first date
It was to a military ball!
And she got the flowers.
No second date.”
#12. At least you didn’t die.
“My girlfriend had me over for dinner at her parents’ house for the first time. Steak dinner with all of the fixins’.
I take my first bite, swallow, immediately start choking. I’m so scared that I’m going to make a bad impression, so I took a drink of water to try to wash it down.
Didn’t work, so after about fifteen seconds without a single breath my face turns red. I start freaking out and point at my throat.
So, my girlfriend’s mom does the Heimlich maneuver, and I throw up all over the floor.
Her two miniature Schnauzers start licking up the aftermath.
Girlfriend’s dad puts his napkin down and leaves the room.”
#11. A bullet dodged…
“She only had her mother. Her father passed away when she was young.
I go to her house to wait for her to get home and meet her mom. She has a bottle of Dewar’s on the table. Her mom was pleasant (not drunk at the time), and she offers me a drink. I normally don’t drink the hard stuff, but I decided to be polite and take it.
Her mother gets a phone call, apparently my new GF is going to be about 2 hours late. The mother sits down next to me on the couch and tells me.
Then the unthinkable happens: her mom puts her hand on my upper thigh. She says we have 2 hours if I’m interested and smiles.
Now at the time I was only 18, but I had enough common sense to GTFO real quick.
Meet up with my GF later on that night and don’t even bring up what happened (what good could it do right?).
2 days later, my GF shows up at my house and is wide eyed; her breath is labored (she ran to my house). She tells me that one of her best friends just told her that he slept with her mom.
I ask when it happened, and she said, “2 nights ago.”‘
#10. “They can’t stand her, but are polite people.”
“My husband and I are older (40s) and had been dating about a year before I met his parents for the first time. They live on the other side of the country and flew out to visit him.
His ex-girlfriend found out and showed up at the restaurant, sat down, and dominated the conversation with all of the memories she had with them and my husband.
Awkward as hell.
They can’t stand her, but are polite people.”
#9. “We broke up soon after.”
“They were a highly Catholic family and he wasn’t allowed to date. So I would go over after school until it was about time for them to get home.
So we’re making out and my shirt and bra come off. Which was pretty escalated for us. Then we heard a car door slam. He grabs my shirt and bra, hands them to me and tells me to go hide in his closet.
So I do. Shirtless. His mom and him talk for what seems like forever just outside the door. She tells him she’s gonna go take a nap so to be quiet.
After she went in her room he came and got me. Right as I am trying to get my bra on she steps out of her room and sees me.
We broke up soon after.”
#8. HOLY SHIT
“Dated a girl for just a bit, no plans at all to meet her parents at this point. We had just finished having sex for the first time when she got a call from her mom, apparently they had a little much to drink and needed a sober ride home.
She asked if I minded and I didn’t so we headed to the bar to get them. They were kind enough to be outside waiting for us when we got there. They were both leaning back on a railing above some concrete steps leading to an outside basement entrance.
She waves at them and they wave back. Her dad lost his balance and went backwards over the railing. Her mom looked over and just started wailing. Made her stay in the car and call 911 while I went to see what happened.
He landed just right on the corner of one of the stairs and split his skull wide open, dead before I ever said a word to him.
That relationship didn’t last very long.”
#7. Skinny Dipping
“Her parents were really excited to meet me because I was the first boy her daughter had ever introduced them to, so they planned a family cookout so I could meet ALL the family. I got there around 5 pm, and, because it was in the country in Ohio, all the adults were already drunk.
To avoid as many drunk family members as possible, my girlfriend and I decided to swim in her pool for most of the night. At around 9pm, most of her family had left; only her parents remained. They were inside (still drinking) and me and my girlfriend decided we would have some “naughty time” in the pool, which in 8th grade meant me taking off my trunks and her taking off her bottoms. We hid them under the towels on the deck so it wouldn’t be too obvious that I was naked.
After about ten minutes of fun skinny dipping, her parents decided to come out to check on us. However, in their drunken stupor, they decided instead to get in the pool with us. My trunks and my girlfriend’s bottoms weren’t easily accessible while remaining entirely in the pool, so I had to swim around naked while my girlfriend’s parents were in the pool. I never knew how good of a swimmer I was until that day, because they never found out!”
#6. The intervention
“I was dating this girl for about 3 months and got her pregnant. We decided it was best if we just got married, I was 27, she was 20.
I drove to my parent’s house to tell them at the same time she went to her parent’s house to tell them. I offered to go with her, but she said “You don’t know my Dad.”, which was true because while she had met my parents, I had never met hers.
Sitting at my parent’s house listening to them tell me how I was throwing my life away the phone rings. It was my girlfriend. She said I needed to go over to her parent’s house because they wanted to meet me.
I showed up at their house and was escorted to the living room where I was asked to sit in a chair in the middle of the room. Her family sat in a semi circle around me and proceeded to grill me for 2 hours.
“What were you thinking?”
“You’re 7 years older than her, you some kind of pervert?”
“How do you plan on supporting our daughter and grandchild?”On and on and on.
That was 20 years ago. I’m posting this from a birthday party at my in-law’s house sitting next to my 19-year-old daughter.
I’m still very much in love with my wife, and her family still hates me and sees me as the dirty old man that took their daughter away from them.”
#5. Not how I thought this was going to end…
“I had only been dating this girl for a couple months, but she wanted to travel back home for a cousin’s wedding and asked me to go. I agreed knowing that this meant I was definitely going to have to meet her parents.
The wedding was in her hometown out in the sticks of south Texas. We get to her parent’s house just after dinner time. Both her parents were on the front porch sitting in rocking chairs. We walk up to the porch and make out introductions. Mother is a very nice and sweet southern belle type, seeing as she was from Louisiana. She asked if I’d like some sweet tea. Yep. Mother goes in the house to get the tea and GF went with her to help.
This leaves me alone with Father. He seems to have a very sour look on his face and not at all pleased to meet me (I later learn that this is just the way he looks. All the time). I sit down in the vacated rocking chair and a small table separates us. He pulls out a small .38 special with a recessed hammer and places it on the table between us. He says, “This is meant to be fired from a jacket pocket. You’d never see it coming.”
I look down at his gun on the table and then look up at him, then back at the gun, then back up at him and he has these squinty eyes that seem to be drilling into mine.
I then slowly reach behind my back and pull out my Desert Eagle 5.0 and place it in front of me on the table. It is audibly heavy and has a satisfying “ta-chunk” sound when i lay it down. ( I have a CHL). I said to him, “This is my Desert Eagle. It’s meant to kill people. Efficiently.”
At that moment, his eyes lit up and a smile grew on his face that I didn’t think could get any bigger without his face crackin’ in two. Very soon after the GF and Mother came back out with the tea and I grabbed my gun and holstered it and got up for Mother to sit down.
Father looks at GF and points at me and says, “I like this one.” Father and me got along just fine.
Ahh….memories.”
#4. “This is the girl…”
“I had a one night stand, and, long story short, his dick broke.
He had to be hospitalized for almost a week. He introduced me to his parents a few days after being released.
It went like this: “Mom, Dad, this is the girl that broke my dick.”‘
#3. He totally knew
“I was at my girlfriend’s house for the first time for a family dinner. Nobody was home so we were getting a little bit frisky. Her dad walked into her room right as my penis made an appearance; luckily I covered up with a pillow but I still think he knew 🙁
Her dad hated me.”
#2. “Get out of my house!”
“I think the worst of it was Senior year of high school. I was out drinking with friends and a guy I had been hooking up with. We ended up climbing onto of a school tin roof and continued to get plastered.
The guy I was seeing thought it’d be a good idea to try to run across the roof, ended up slipping and sliding down. He fell two stories straight on his face…we seriously thought he died.
There was blood everywhere, and none of his jackass friends wanted to take him to the hospital, so I did.
Fast forward a shitload of stitches, and hours later I realized my parents would be PISSED if I came home that late.
He insisted his mom would be fine with me over, and that we’ll just have to go through his window so the front door alarm wouldn’t wake anyone up.
So I stayed the night, and slept in nothing but a bra and underwear.
Fast forward 8 am I wake up to “What the fuck is this?!? Why the hell are you staying over?!?”…
“Mom, I’m sorry.. it won’t…” …
“Holy shit, what the hell happened to your face?!? Get out of my house!!”‘
#1. That’s totally illegal.
“Went to pick her up, and her mother was a parole officer.
She photocopied my driver’s license, and made me wait around while she phoned somebody at the station to check my record.
I was 16 and it was winter formal.”
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