I always thought being a lawyer wouldn’t be so bad. Arguing with people was something I did very well, and to have the option to argue my way into a large chunk of change? That sounds glorious! However, these 23 lawyers show you that you just can’t argue with stupid. Reading these, I think I made the right decision for my life…

1. But they gave is to me

My father is a patent attorney, he told me about a guy who wanted to patent the iPhone 3.
His excuse was because “aliens” had given him the design for it.

My father told him that if the aliens originally designed then they were the ones that had to patent it, not him.

2. Gonna get Stu…

I had a client come in saying that he “needed to sue Stu for robbing all his checks.”
When I asked him if Stu had a last name, he said no. When I asked him if he knew any Stu, he said no. When I asked him what proof he had that Stu was robbing him, he showed me all of his pay stubs.

There were clear, monthly deductions by “SCU”. As soon as I saw it, I knew. I asked “Do you have children?” He said yes.

I then told him “Your Stu is the SCU – the Support Collection Unit. They take money out of your check to pay for your child.”

He left the office insisting that we needed to find Stu.

3. Come ON people

I’m a prosecutor, so I don’t get hired to represent anyone but I do have discretion over how the prosecution progresses.
I had a case a few months ago where a man was charged with shoplifting. Turned out he was 70 years old, had absolutely no criminal record, and had shoplifted a SANDWICH which he ate politely in the store. He honestly thought he had paid for it.

I was so angry that he was ever charged in the first place. When I saw him in court, he was absolutely terrified. I withdrew the charges and wished him well. I have no idea how it progressed that far.

4. smh

Woman wanted me to sue McDonalds because their employees beat up her son.
He was trying to rob the place.

5. Self-Incriminating

When I was in law school I did the criminal defence clinic where we “help” a public defender.
I say help because they just give you small cases to do by yourself. I had a guy accused of shoplifting a yellow FUBU shirt. Guess what he wore to the trial? A YELLOW FUBU SHIRT. I asked the prosecutor to re-offer the plea deal, she did, and I convinced the guy to take community service and probation (if I remember correctly). Our public defender system is tragically overworked and underfunded.

6. Done messed up

Friend told me about a case where a guy was up on car theft charges, (5 years max) but he was very likely to get a suspended sentence/probation as it was a first ever offence.

The guy thought it would be a good idea to go and intimidate the witness into not testifying.

The witness called the cops and had CCTV footage of this, so he copped an extra charge with a 20 year max and there was NO WAY he was getting a suspended sentence or probation on that one.

7. Mystery solved

I did insurance defence for a long time, including insurance fraud investigations for insurance companies.
You wouldn’t believe how many people take a video inventory of their house only to have it “mysteriously” burn down the next day. You really can’t fix stupid.

8. Off Kilter

Guy came in angry about a company that built a shed on some land.
On the phone, he told me it was built incorrectly. He insisted on meeting.

When he got to my office, I asked him what was wrong with the building. Was it structurally deficient? Dangerous? Etc.

None of the above.

Turns out it was not perfectly square with the road in front of it. It was off by about a foot. You could not tell by the naked eye, but he would always know and it bugged him. I told him that without any real damages, he had no case. He stormed out angrily.