We all know that kids say the darndest things, but there are plenty of times they DO the darndest things. Check out these AskReddit parents who caught their kids in the craziest situations.

1. Not how babies work

After dating my [significant other] for a couple months, his 5 year old daughter and I were sitting on the couch together. She started to rub my stomach and said she wished I was her real mom. The creepy part was, she followed it up with, “Maybe we could cut your stomach open and put me inside, then we can sew you back up and wait until I pop out.” Yeah it was sweet in a very very creepy way.

2. Ghost daddy

I was running late coming home from work one day by a few hours. My wife couldn’t get a hold of me and was beginning to worry. Then my 3yr old son went to the window and said “I see daddy in the car!” My wife went to the window and no one was there. When my wife asked him where I was he responded “He’s a ghost” then smiled and walked away.

3.  Reincarnation

We were preparing for our first beach trip, and I was trying to explain to my daughter, then about 2, about the beach. I said something like “It’s a lot of sand, and big blue water!” And she said, I’ll never forget it, so matter of factly, (I don’t think she was even looking at me) “I know what a beach is, I was there a long time ago, before I was in your tummy.”

4. “Kids are gross”

My daughter use to always stir her water cups with her index finger. I thought she liked to watch the water go around. She was also notorious for stealing other people’s water. One day I take a drink of MY water and it taste funny. I usually check for back wash and saw nothing. Later I see her stirring my cup that I deserted on the coffee table and asked her stop sticking her fingers in other people’s cups. I asked “Why do you do that anyways?”

“I like to stick my finger in my butt and drink the water.”

I will never tell her she use to drink butt water and liked if. Then on when I saw her sniffing her fingers, I’d yell at her to wash her hands. Kids are gross.

5. Dead things

When my daughter was 6 she collected dead things. Yeah It was mostly insects but she tried to bring home dead mammals a few times. That’s where I drew the line.

6. “Electrical problems”

My wife and I have a back massager. When my son was around 12, he left the dinner table to go to the bathroom. The ceiling started vibrating 10 minutes later. Our master bedroom was right above the dining room, so I went upstairs to check, only to see him humping the massager in a doggy style fashion. Without seeing each other, I just went back downstairs and explained to our dinner guests that we’ve been having an electrical problem.

7. Were-Baby

The first real noises that my baby daughter learned to make, other than crying of course, were growls.

We found out in the middle of the night. Through the baby monitor.

8. Good luck buddy…

My son is 2.5 so we have many many years of creepy ahead. But for now…

The other day he was rolling around on the floor in the living room, doing these really weird looking somersault things.

“Whatcha doing, bud?”

“Just trying to bite my penis.”

“Oh. Well…be careful…”

9. Poopy Butt

I recently bought my son a Nintendo 3Ds. They have cameras on them, which my son was super excited about because he’s never had anything with a camera on it before. He took it everywhere with him, and was constantly taking pictures of family and friends, as well as our pets. Well I found this to be adorable! I thought, ‘Aww, that was the best $130 or whatever that I ever spent, he likes it so much and is so entertained by it.’

One day while he was at school I pulled out his sim card so that I could insert it into the computer and look at all his pics. My husband and I were ohhing and ahhing over the pictures and saying how good of a little photographer he was. Until we got to a series of pictures that I had never thought would have existed. My son had taken his DS into the bathroom, and decided to take ten pictures of his butt while he was in the process of pooping! Seriously. It was ten close up shots of his poopy butt! I guess he jumped off the toilet mid poop and crouched over top of his DS and frantically started taking pictures.

Well, obviously I had to delete these, as that could by misconstrued in certain situations, and I just made sure to never allow my son to take his DS into the bathroom with him again. I probably wouldn’t have cared, but I could have gotten in big trouble had those pictures been found by a teacher or something (he is notorious for sneaking toys to school) so I definitely couldn’t completely ignore it. Oh and he is seven by the way. A very experimenting seven.

10. Abusive Deadbeat

I once walked in and listened for a good 30-45 seconds on my 4 y/o daughter holding a long conversation where Barbie was leaving Ken because he was an abusive deadbeat and Ken was alternately pleading and threatening Barbie, complete with name calling and accusations. Barbie sounded angry, but calm.

The depth of her understanding of the situation weirded me out. We don’t let em watch Springer and we parents had never fought like that, even in private.

11. No batteries required

A few years ago, my daughter had signs of…something being wrong. We weren’t sure what, so we took her to the doctor, who tells us she has a double ear infection. That’s about what we thought it was, since she’d failed to notify us that she was in intense ear pain before, and those spread.

This one’s bad enough it needs to be flushed out. Set up the appointment, doctor does the one ear, no problem. Goes to do the second ear, and there’s a hard mass of wax that’s preventing anything from happening. EVERYTHING is locked up in there, nothing’s getting in or out…and the doctor’s thinking we need an X-ray to see what the hell’s going on. On the X-ray, a little tiny circle shows up.

It’s a hearing aid battery. My wife has hearing aids, and my daughter saw her put the batteries “into her ear” to hear better, and had gone into my wife’s purse and put a whole battery into her freaking eardrum. Ended up needing very minor surgery to get it out before it leaked acid onto her brain.

12. Tooth Fairy

Once day I found out my son was getting bullied by three other boys. I was going to call the school about it but my husband told me not to. I can only assume he told our son to fight them…

The day after my son came home from school all smiles. I asked him if the other kids were still giving him trouble and he just laughed and said “no, not anymore”. Meanwhile, I saw my husband in the mirror, he had his arms crossed any he was nodding, he was probably thinking “That’s my boy”

A few days pass and I think nothing of it. Then my son gets a virus on his computer and asked me if I could use my personal laptop while my husband got rid of the virus. I told him sure, and logged him in. He used it for a few hours until my husband got rid of the virus, then he shut down the laptop and gave it back to me.

Later that night I decided to go on Facebook and I noticed my son forgot to log out of his account. I know I shouldn’t snoop, but I was too tempted, so I looked at his messages. I saw he sent a message to the three boys that were bullying him, and I read it. The message was along the lines of “Hey Chris did you cry today because you saw your teeth on my necklace? If any of you [mess] with my again I’ll be adding more teeth to my necklace”. Then he added a photo of this string with a bunch of teeth tied to it, his “necklace” I assume.

So, I found out my son wears a teeth necklace to school.

When I told my husband he just laughed. Typical.

13. Yummy

Christmas Eve. Heard my 3 year old daughter say “Don’t worry.. you’ll go down in history”

Came around the corner to see what she was up to. She was in front of her play kitchen, stirring the frying pan.

In the frying pan was the head of a Rudolph reindeer toy.

14. No, you don’t

My 10 year old son recently insisted on watching Twilight. About an hour in he dreamily sighed and murmured: “I wish I were Bella.”

15. Soft glow

I went into my 6 year old son’s room around 10 o’clock at night when he was supposed to be asleep because I could see from the hallway that he was using a flashlight. Turns out he was naked from the waist down and had stretched the skin if his scrotum taught and was shining the flashlight through the skin if his scrotum to make his room glow a soft red color.

16. Hairiest ever

My son is 5. His aunt took him to the mall shopping last weekend. When he came home he whispered to me “I spied on [auntie] when she was getting changed and she has the HAIRIEST vagina I’ve ever seen!”

I’ll be reminding him of that in approximately 10 years.

17. Like mother, like son

My son draws his dreams in great detail. He only draws the ones that bother him. His last few have been related to objects in the sky with odd looking occupants.

What’s even more odd is sometimes his dreams line up with mine.

18. But, we are

My daughters haven’t done many creepy things but I was in the car with them and my best friends when I told my oldest (3 yrs) to buckle her car straps “So they will keep you safe.”

She dead pan says “It’s ok, we are all going to die.”

Freaking kid.

19. Cannibalism, or murder

Conversation with my daughter when she was 2:

Me: “What do you want for breakfast honey?”

Her: “Puppy!”

Me: “Nooo, what–”

Her: “Can I eat the baby?”

Me: “…huh?”

She then goes and grabs her baby doll and proceeds to slam it in the oven. It wouldn’t have been so bad if she didn’t scream “SHUT UP!” at it when the doll started ‘crying.’

20. Where’s the spaghetti?

Just last night my two-year-old daughter pulled her shirt over her head and started running around in her room, bumping into her dresser, her bed, her closet etc. when I asked her what she was doing, she shrieked, “Playing meatball!”

21. Be Like Bear

I once found a capped half-full bottle of murky yellowish liquid near the bathroom sink. I uncapped it and took a whiff. Smelled like urine… and mint! When I asked my 4-year old son about it he told me, “I wanted to be yike Bear Grylls, so I peed in the bottle and drinked it but it tasted… really not good… so I put some toothpaste in it and shaked it, and tasted it again, but it was still yucky so I didn’t drink it.”

22. When I’m gone

My daughter would draw pictures & give them to me “So you’ll remember me when I’m dead.”

I looked like the most uncaring mom because it happened so often I’d look at it & say “OK. Thank you” as the daycare teachers would gasp.

23. Sadistic

Talking to my wife about needing to update our wills since we’d moved house, and I jokingly said to our 1-year-old, “That means if Mummy and Daddy die, you get all our stuff!”. He looked at both of us, his eyes shifting back and forth thoughtfully, then slowly smiled.

24. Going quite wrong

When my little girl was born, she had a period. Aged about 1 day. Something about hormones going wrong.

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