14. One liners
I have a friend who is full of one liners that never seem to end. A few years ago, he was hanging at my apartment when his cell phone rang (it was around 2 AM). It was some girl calling him. He put her on speaker phone and they did some small talk for a bit when she asked if he wanted to come over and watch a movie. He responds with, “Shoot, if you’re calling me at this hour you better be ready to MAKE a movie.”
15. Wedding prank
I overheard a Radio Shack employee telling his coworker about a prank he pulled at a wedding the weekend before. He said that he bought a cheap cake at the supermarket on the way and during dinner he went out to his car and cut a slice. He approached the bride and groom while eating it to tell them the cake was delicious and that they made a great choice. The bride and groom were outraged, assuming he had cut their wedding cake before they got the chance to do it.
16. Grandma
My grandma was a hair dresser and would do the hair of dead people before funerals. Somehow the fact that she had done the hair of her dead mother came up. To this someone said, “That must have been really hard.” (as in emotionally).
My grandma just looked at them like they were dumb and said, “No, it’s easy. You only have to do the front half.”
17. Good ol’ Dad
One day, when I was 18 years old, I asked my father if I was a mistake:
“Dad am I a mistake?”
Without missing a beat he quipped, “A mistake? You’re not a mistake. You’re a f***ing tragedy. You can live with a mistake.” He then laughs and walks off.
18. Ouch
Girl hanging out with a guy and what looks to be his little brother.
Guy: “You dating anyone?”
Girl: “Nah, don’t have time for that.”
Little Brother: “Maybe you’re a lesbian.”
Girl: “Yeah if the choice is between women and you.
19. “Like a baby”
Was buying something at the register when I hear these two guys behind me leave and one of them says, “Alright let’s make like a baby and head out.” I never heard someone say that before and it had me laughing.
20. On the elevator
In an elevator. Two beautiful, impeccably dressed young women get on. One is on her mobile. She ends the conversation when she sees me and we all stand there in awkward elevator silence, listening to whatever midi file was coming from the speakers.
The girl with the phone turns to her friend and says, “I know this song, but I can’t remember the name. It’s so 80s…”
The other girl, without even looking up, says instantly and dryly, “Yeah, just like your outfit.”
The first lets out a half gasp/half laugh, then there’s about a second of silence and the other girl screams, “BAM! It’s crazy up in here” and gives ME a high five.
Then other girl says, “Yeah, just like your eyebrows.” And then did the weirdest finger-snapping happy dance I’d ever seen.
21. Meat grinder
My friend had just received a meat grinder for Christmas. His girlfriend was upstairs resting. Husband and I were eating when friend walks into the room.
Husband: “Hey [friend], where’s your meat grinder?”
Me: “She’s upstairs taking a nap.”
22. No he can’t
Friend 1: “They sure have crazy warnings on packages these days. For example, on my kid’s Batman Halloween costume, there was a warning label that said ‘Caution: wearing cape does not enable wearer to fly.'”
Friend 2: “Of course not, Batman can’t fly.”
23. Mother and daughter
Mother and daughter (she was probably 7 or 8) sitting on the park bench across from me eating lunch. When the daughter started picking the crusts off her sandwich her mother said, “Please eat the crust *name, it’s the healthiest part.”
The daughter looked at her mother with teasing innocence and replied, “Please explain how the baking process makes healthy things rise to the surface of dough” and went back to eating.
I was so surprised at her I failed to process the humor for about 30 seconds, at which point I awkwardly laughed to myself. Good day at the park.
24. Balls
I heard an older gentleman of about 60 say on the phone while walking off the golf course, “I only hit two balls today, and that was when I stepped on a rake.”
Maybe that’s a common golf joke, but I’d never heard of it and thought it was great.
25. You nailed it
My brother and I were in the cinema watching some second rate action movie. There was huge action scene going down and one of the enemies gets shot in the foot and immediately drops down dead. Some guy at the back decides it’s really witty to shout, “WHO DIES FROM BEING SHOT IN THE FOOT DUDE COME AWN,” at which point several of his friends guffaw along.
A second or two pass and my brother and I simultaneously say: “..Achilles?” ONE man laughed. He was about 50, and had the most magnificent moustache I had ever seen. That was all the justification I needed.
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