After I read the stories about childbirth that you’re about to lay your eyes on, something struck me…I’m kind of surprised that people have children at all!
And you’re about to see why, because people get all crazy during those unforgettable times.
Check out these stories and be sure to talk to us in the comments!
1. Oh snap… that’s hilarious
Apparently, when my aunt was giving birth, she was all jokes.
Very angry jokes, but jokes none-the-less.
KNOCK-KNOCK! WHO’S THERE?! THE BABY! NOT YET!
2. Dino baby!
Not a doctor, but a father.
When my first child was born his head was kind of misshapen, and when the doctor lifted him up to show my wife she yelled “why the f*ck does he look like a raptor?”
I lost it.
3. Perfect timing
EMT who did a birth on the side of the road.
Woman shouted “f*ck me!” during a contraction and the husband casually replied “that’s how we got into this mess, dammit!”.
I had a very hard time containing myself.
4. Nope! Time to go!
Patient fully dilated, started pushing, then changed her mind. “I don’t wanna do this, I’m going the f*ck home.”
And then tried to get off the table.
5. Haha… gurl…
When my sister was in labor, she was screaming and our mom was trying to be comforting:
“It’ll be OK. Take some deep breaths. It’ll be over soon.”
Then my sister looks up at our mom and says “You have no idea what this is like.”
6. It’s not a tumor!
Paramedic here: Delivered a baby for a lady who did not realize she was pregnant and called us for ‘abdominal pain’
Patient: ‘You are an idiot! I am not f*cking pregnant’
Me: ‘Well, I can see a head crowning’
Patient: That must be a f*cking tumor!
The tumor was a healthy baby girl. Mom was totally sweet afterwards btw.
7. Bad timing…
My roommate and I just finished our labor and delivery rotation in July.
During one of the births she was helping out in, the mom and the dad were separated but still good friends. So while this woman is pushing out her baby she begins to half tell/half scream that my roommate should date her ex/the baby daddy. The conversation went something like this:
Mom: You should really….(screams in pain)….go out with….(Screams again) him sometime. He’s really fun.
Dad: I wouldn’t mind some drinks sometime, what are you doing this evening?
No, she did not go out with him.
8. Is that even possible?
I’m white, Irish ancestry so I had red hair when I was a child, and my wife is black.
Her sister was also in the delivery room. When the baby crowned her sister told her she could see the baby’s hair. My wife who can barely breathe blurted out, “The hair isn’t red is it?!”
Apparently she was terrified the baby would be black with red hair.
9. She’ll never live that down
My mothers labour was extremely short, I was born within an hour. So that means that she went from experiencing minimal pain, to extreme pain with little time to adjust.
When my dad was driving her to the hospital, he unfortunately had to stop for gas. He went into pay, and just then an elderly man in a wheelchair stopped him, asking him to buy cigarettes for him as the store was not wheelchair accessible.
My mom then proceeded to lean out the window, yelling “DON’T HELP THE CRIPPLE.”
We have never let her forget that one.
10. Get the tongs!
When my brother was born, they had to use forceps to get him out.
My mom saw them and screamed “THOSE ARE SALAD TONGS! YOU ARE NOT PUTTING ANY GODD*MN KITCHENWARE IN THERE!”
11. Surprises abound!
My dad has told me they thought I was a girl all the way up to birth.
I came out as a c-section and the doctor goes “huh, this ones got extra equipment.”
12. Once you get there…
I am not an OBGYN but I was questioning a patient in the ER about some other health problem, she wasn’t carrying at that time. When I got to the part about the gynecological history I asked how many kids did she have and how were they born. She had two kids and were both born with C-section. I should clarify that this was in Spain and the patient was gypsy, now gypsies are not usually well educated and women often marry young and don’t finish school, they also talk weird.
Now, the lady told me she had 2 kids and 2 c-sections and I asked her why she had to deliver by c-section she said because the first kid was a “come coño”.
Well, this can be translated as “p*ssy eater.” This lady was convinced that her first child was going to eat her pussy and had to be taken out before he did.
You can imagine my surprise.
At first I didn’t understand and left the room after the questioning still puzzled. I went and started digging in her file and found out that the c-section had to be done because after she broke water the doctors noticed the amniotic fluid was filled with baby sh*t, usually when a baby shits in-utero, it is a sign that the baby is suffering and has to come out quick, that was why she had a c-section. Now here is why it is funny:
- In-utero baby shit is called meconio.
- The doctors probably told this lady that she had to get a c-section because the baby comes with meconio
- Comes with meconio = “viene con meconio” in Spanish.
- “Viene con meconio” sounds a lot like “viene comecoño” (p*ssy eater)
- Imagine being told your whole life that your mom had to get a c-section because you were going to eat her p*ssy when you actually almost died at childbirth.
I know it must not be that funny in English but I did my best translating it and hope some of you see how funny it was for me.
13. Well, that happened!
One lady was too posh to swear when in pain from contractions, she just said “jeepers creepers.”
14. Haha… can you imagine??
When I was born, my dad didn’t know that babies are usually born face down.
And as I was coming out he screams “OH MY GOD SHE DOESN’T HAVE A FACE.”
15. Let’s go higher!
I was high on meds at the time, I was begging for BBQ ribs in between contractions.
“C’mon, honey! The nurses will never know!”
They were standing right there.
16. Get that woman some ice!
My wife told me, in a satanic voice, to “get better ice chips, these suck!”.
I am not sure what the quality issue was, but I ran and got her a different cup full.
17. A Star Wars reference!
I’m a nurse, but I’m also a mom.
My husband told me when I was breathing the laughing gas I screamed “I’m lady Darth Vader!” as I was pushing.
Then I asked the doctor if he felt my tonsils when he had his arm up there.
These are my coworkers.
18. The most awkward birth ever
I’m a nurse and one of the strangest things that I’ve seen happen while someone is giving birth is one patient decided to tell her boyfriend that it wasn’t his baby.
That made the whole room silent and the boyfriend just left without saying a thing.
19. Wait… what?!?
During labor, about a half an hour before the god awful ripping and tearing, I was losing my shit.
My older sister panicked and sort ran around the room. My mom, the birth coach, said to my sister to give me a focal point. Something to concentrate on so I didn’t jump out of the nearest window.
My sister lifted her shirt and shows us her boobs. Hilarity and awful pain ensued.
20. FIRE!
After a long contraction, I said quietly “I’m gonna set everyone in this room on fire.”
Everyone laughed, including the nurse, but I think my devoutly Christian mother-in-law started to cry.
21. A strong friendship
Not exactly during labor but right after: I had a very bad tear during natural childbirth which meant lots of stitches. Add to that it was training day for one of the med students and it was taking a long time. A really long time.
Finally, I look down between my knees and ask,
“What the hell? Are you guys weaving a friendship bracelet down there?!”
Both doctors, the intern, and the med student burst out laughing so hard they had to stop working. Apparently there was some issue with how the intern was stitching me up & things had gotten tense. This lightened the mood quite a bit.
22. Well, that’s a reference!
After I had my son I was pretty wasted on all the pain Meds they’d given me.
I looked at my husband and said ‘honey, Condoleezza Rice is out there waiting for me, tell her I can’t come out to play today, I just had a baby.’
23. No thanks! Not mine!
I had a c-section and was pretty out of it.
When they held up my daughter and said “here’s your baby!”
I responded “that’s not mine, I’ve never seen it before in my life. Take it to lost and found.”
24. Dance! Dance! Dance!
A young couple, mom and dad were both around 18 if I recall correctly, first baby for them both.
Mom’s pushing and Dad is doing this awkward jig wanting to be helpful but not really knowing how to be helpful.
25. Hut Hut Hike!
At one point I say, “Okay, we can see the head now” (still awhile to go).
Dad jumps up, runs to the counter, puts on rubber gloves, and gets into football receiving position, like 10 feet away from mom’s legs.
We all burst out laughing and he was very embarrassed to learn that babies do not shoot out across the room to be caught like a football.
26. Unexpected!
When my mother was pregnant she and my dad decided to have an amnio. A stand-in doctor was there the day she found out the results, and despite Mum’s instructions that she did not want to be told the sex, the doctor congratulated her on having a healthy little boy.
My mum freaked out and decided not to tell my Dad, so as not to ruin the surprise.
Fast forward to the day of my birth, I’m brought into this bright world without a penis. The doctor congratulates my mother on her little girl. My mum responds by yelling “You’ve got to be f*cking kidding me!”.
Silence from everyone in the room. The doctor then has a serious chat with my mum about loving me even though I am a girl, etc, etc.
Turns out the amnio results were mixed up with another woman of the same name.
Yeah, quite the confuzzle.
27. All the stories!
I have a few funny stories. I am an OBGYN resident doctor.
Lady was pushing for 2 hours and the head was finally crowning. She had like 1-2 pushes left to deliver the baby. Suddenly, “never mind I don’t want to do this anymore!” People aren’t in their right mind truly so rather than coddle them it is honestly best to just sternly say, “No, you’re getting this baby out now, Ok? Now push!” She delivered the next push 🙂
Had a complete druggie try to deliver her baby with her legs together. Normally that would make it hard to deliver anyhow, but for her the baby kept coming and just delivered behind her closed legs. One of us basically threw our body under her ass to keep her from sitting on her baby’s head.
While the baby is crowning, “Why??? Why do I keep doing this to my self?” (as in keep getting pregnant).
Teenager delivering her baby and the baby daddy is there who is also a teen. Pooping is common in deliveries… I’d say 30-50% of the time. Anyhow she starts pooping and gets really self-conscious and turns to her boyfriend yelling, “Don’t LOOOOOOOK!”
After the baby delivers you still need to deliver the placenta. Usually not a big deal but a lot of blood and fluid comes with it often. As she pushes it out her husband’s face goes white and he says, “Whoa.” and has to sit down as he faints.
Had an interracial couple – Mexican mother, Black dad. She had broken up with him after getting pregnant. As she is pushing (without an epidural) she yells, “God damn I hate that n*****!” Not much you can do other than ignore it.
Some times people are just damn ignorant. I had a lady come in who was >42 weeks pregnant. I’m sorry, even the most crunchy of midwives will agree it’s time for that baby to come out. Anyhow the dad is all like, “what do you mean you’re going to induce her to deliver? You think I’m going to let you get up on top of her and jump on her belly then reach down and pull my baby out?!” Wow, dude. Also “you keep talking about contractions! What are they?!” This was his third child. He didn’t know what a contraction was. What da?
As I mentioned above women often poop while pushing. A lady had a massive BM which really stank up the room. She turns to her husband and mother and yells, “who the hell farted?!” That was embarrassing.
After delivery the vagina and vulva can really burn after being stretched out that much. I had a lady exclaim, “damn I could really use an ice cube on my taint!”
Often when women are still dilating while in labor we do our best to just make them as comfortable as possible, relax between contractions, and let labor dilate them. Anyhow, one couple took “relax between contractions” to mean “I’m going to do oral on my wife who has mucus, amniotic fluid, and blood oozing from her vagina right now” Ugh.
Usually in a c-section the father of the baby sits with the mother in the OR as we do the operation. Sometimes it’s the patient’s mother, too. In this case it was a young white couple where the father didn’t want to be in the OR. When the baby was cut out but the patient couldn’t see it yet b/c the curtain was still up, her mother who was present goes, “well, the baby isn’t black!” The patient exclaims, “Mom, what the hell!?”
Some people are into doing it SUUUPER naturally. So they have fans, incense, and storm music in the background. Often they will use chanting to calm themselves. One lady would whisper, “Peace….Peace…Peace” between pushes. Anyhow as the baby was crowning and she was really feeling that ring of fire she half snaps out of her Zen character and yells, “Peace!..Peeeeeace!!! Oh f*cking Jesus it’s on fire! someone put water on it!”
Those are just a few 🙂
Wow! That last one was a doozy. How many stories do you think that doctor has? Yikes!
Do you have a story like this
