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Most of us have been there: you’re interested in someone romantically and it’s all you can think about.
You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can barely work…it’s all-consuming.
Does that sound familiar to you?
Folks on AskReddit talked about how to NOT be obsessive about someone you’re interested in.
Let’s see what they had to say.
1. Concerned.
“Oh god, it already sounds creepy.
Anyways I am a guy in his mid 20’s and I have never realized this before; I think I get obsessive about the people I am romanticly interested in.
Not in a creepy way. No. I, probably think about them more often than I should and possibly overanalyze every interaction. And whenever I have a flirt or something, I am very impatient.
How do I stop this?”
2. People are just people.
“I think people do this when they romanticize a person, often without knowing them well.
Creating an image of a person rather than getting to know them.
Putting them on a pedestal.”
3. Fantasy world.
“I did this with the guy I was into and oh my ruined me. I lost myself when I was with him. And when I was not with him I’d think about him all the time, create situations and imagine them.
When he straight up told me and him are never gonna work I suddenly woke up one day and I was like “ew why tf was I so obsessive the entire time. Cringe.” It’s 90% fantasies.”
4. Being human.
“Just make them a person with their own set of feelings, wants, and needs. At least for younger me, it helped to see they were more than a dream fulfillment.
But hey, it doesn’t mean you can’t still be attracted to them, just let them be a person.”
5. Awareness is key.
“Be mindful of your instinct to obsess and don’t let that interfere with building a relationship.
You know you do this so try to be aware of when you are doing it.”
6. A lot of fish in the sea.
“I used to be that way and if I were ever single again I suspect I’d have to fight that again. But it really comes down to the fact that we’re sold on this notion of “THE ONE.” And you spend all this time looking for THE ONE.
Realize that if someone isn’t interested in you, there are millions of others out there that might be. When you realize that, it takes the pressure off of yourself and the person you’re thinking about and you can enjoy the process.
Because remember, not every relationship has to end in 50 years of marriage. Sometimes dating for a while and then breaking up can be the best outcome.”
7. It’s normal to overthink.
“Treat them like people and just be straightforward, and if you get turned down don’t be creepy, mopey, whiney, or rude.
The urgency and over-thinking are normal. It’s your biological instincts kicking in, making you want to go for it. It’s important to ignore that. In my experience going from being someone who privately obsessed over my crushes to becoming a “Nice Guy”, to becoming a player, to becoming an actual, normal, decent guy in a happy long-term relationship I’ve learned a few things that might help you:
Unless you’re in an obvious two-way flirtation from the beginning, start off approaching women as friends. Not “I’m going to pretend to be friends with her until she realizes she loves me”, but honest-to-god friends. Treat them like you would your male friends. Don’t try to be friends to trick them into falling for you – just BE FRIENDS with no strings attached
Understand that there’s every possibility she won’t be interested in you that way and THAT’S OKAY. Don’t try to convince her she’s wrong
Until you’re in a relationship, don’t try any big, dramatic overtures. Just enjoy hanging out and spending time with them.”
8. Be comfortable with yourself.
“I’m in my mid late 30s just realizing all of this myself over the last year or so and honestly what got me there was me finally saying f**k it when I’d “get ghosted” by someone I was interested in. I was ready to not care about their feelings more than my own (and that initially felt wrong but… Ya know… F**k it!)
In reality, I definitely beat around the bush and was totally being a nice guy. I thought that’s what they wanted. What that gets you though is, at best, someone who tolerates you to some degree, which inevitably just perpetuates the idea that you’re doing it correctly when you’re not.
Truth is, it’s what you want that matters. Make yourself comfortable with yourself. Happy with yourself. If you can’t swing that, well someone else isn’t going to make it any better. A good partner multiplies your feelings. Let them multiply good ones.
After that, it’s two people that have that figured out finding each other and that just takes patience. None of it can be or should be accommodated. It should just work.”
9. Some advice.
“Bit of advice to remember:
Being creepy is not about what you feel, but about what you do.
There is nothing wrong with having really, really strong feelings.
Not wanting to be creepy is great, and an internal debate a lot of people have when thinking about how to approach some things, but you don’t need to worry about your feelings being creepy. You are entitled to them, and there isn’t anything wrong with them.
Now, everyone is socially awkward some of the time, but some people are much more socially awkward than others. That’s fine, and something you can become more confident with over time, and you can still one day be happy ever after. One thing to guard against though, if you feel you are socially awkward and you don’t like it, is falling for the incel/red pill/pickup type community.
While not every idea is bad, there is a lot of treating women with less respect in that mindset, and really, those are the real creeps. I mean, regular guys who felt they had poor social skills but then found themselves adopting the way of thinking that it is women’s fault, and they have to adopt some kind of strategy to overcome that.
I know how “be yourself” is unhelpful to some people. I think just “be respectful” is more helpful. Whatever you do, if you are respectful, then you have that going for you. Which means facing the harsh reality that the person you have really strong feelings doesn’t like you, and once they’ve said no, it needs to be respected.”
10. Can be a dangerous mindset.
“Would like to say as someone who was also like this in college, in hindsight it’s actually a pretty dangerous mindset.
When you think someone is great for you & you for them and spend so much time believing it you can become dismissive of those around you… in my case I had a chance to go out with the person I was interested in, though they were unsure how they truly felt about our relationship which led to us being rocky.
My friends started at first by having my back and telling me as people who were concerned for me that this wasn’t a healthy relationship, but all I ever did was shut everyone down that said that, and eventually they got fed up with me and cut ties (I don’t blame them ofc, I deserved it). Been 3 years since all that happened and I can say I haven’t since ‘obsessed’ over anyone and probably never will again, at least not like that.
It’s a tough idea for me to accept, that what happens will happen regardless of whether you think it should or not, try to control it or not, but I like to believe I’m getting better at it.”
11. Over it!
“I did this real hard with the last girl I had a crush on. Until one day we went on a road trip with some other friends to a bigger city that’s usually an hour away, except she drove down the highway at 100 miles per hour.
I have never been so relieved to leave a car in my life, but her blatant disregard for laws and safety made me realize that she really wasn’t that good of a person.”
12. Don’t put them on pedestals.
“I was the type of girl who loved seeing boys from afar and would become infatuated with them secretely.
I’d fantasize of what they were like and what making love with them would be like. Then I’d strike up friendships with them for real and turns out…they were weird, or boring or had chronic bad breath.
The more I’d hang with them the more my image of them as a perfect lover etc would vanish. Turns out they’re just normal..Don’t put people on pedestals!”
Do you have any good romantic tips for us?
Please share them in the comments.
We need all the help we can get!
