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I love Ask Reddit, and I especially love when people get really creative with the nonsense questions they throw out – and I love it even more when people get super serious coming up with their answers.
In this case, someone asked “you’ve been kidnapped by aliens, and the aliens tell you that if you can explain the history of your world in a quick summarized version, they will bring you back. What do you tell them?”
These 16 people have some truly amazing answers, so let’s dive in!
16. From start to finish.
We kill each other when we have something others don’t.
“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it.” — Jack Handey
15. This is a fair point, but not really an answer.
I could tell them absolutely anything, it’s not like they’re checking my answers.
A long, long time ago In a galaxy far away Naboo was under an attack And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn Could talk the federation in To maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn’t thrill us They locked the doors and tried to kill us We escaped from that gas Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass We took a bongo from the scene And we went to Theed to see the Queen We all wound up on Tatooine That’s where… we found… this boy
Oh My my this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later – now he’s just a small fry He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi, Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”
Did you know this junkyard slave Isn’t even old enough to shave But he can use the Force, they say
Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen Though he’s just nine and she’s fourteen Yeah, he’s probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO And I’ve heard how fast his pod can go And we were broke, it’s true So we made a wager or two
He was a pre-pubescent flyin’ ace And the minute Jabba started off that race Well, I knew who would win first place Oh yes, it was our boy
We started singin’ My my this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later – now he’s just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi, soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”
Now we finally got to Coruscant The Jedi Council we knew would want To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale How his midichlorians were off the scale And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course Could he bring balance, to the Force? They interviewed the kid All training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear And Qui-Gon said “Now listen here” Just stick it in your pointy ear I still will teach this boy”
He was singin’ My my this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later – now he’s just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi, Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”
We caught a ride back to Naboo ‘Cause Queen Amidala wanted to I frankly would’ve liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war And it wasn’t long at all before Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died Some ships blew up and some pilots fried A lot of folks were croakin’ The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most Met up with Darth Maul and now he’s toast Well, I’m still here and he’s a ghost I guess I’ll train this boy
And I was singin’ My my this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later – now he’s just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi, Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”
We were singin’ My my this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later – now he’s just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin’ “Soon I’m gonna be a Jedi”
14. No way around it.
Our first and largest mistake was stringing more than one cell together. It all went downhill from there…
13. This is a valid choice, given the state of things.
nothing, i want to goto their planet.
Literally I’m keeping quiet, take me wherever yous are going
12. I can’t believe someone typed that out.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started, wait The earth began to cool, the autotrophs began to drool Neanderthals developed tools We built a wall (we built the pyramids) Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries That all started with the big bang! Hey!
Since the dawn of man is really not that long As every galaxy was formed in less time than it takes to sing this song A fraction of a second and the elements were made The bipeds stood up straight, the dinosaurs all met their fate They tried to leap but they were late And they all died (they froze their asses off) The oceans and Pangea, see ya wouldn’t wanna be ya Set in motion by the same big bang! It all started with the big bang!
It’s expanding ever outward but one day It will cause the stars to go the other way Collapsing ever inward, we won’t be here, it won’t be hurt Our best and brightest figure that it’ll make an even bigger bang!
Australopithecus would really have been sick of us Debating how we’re here, they’re catching deer (we’re catching viruses) Religion or astronomy (Descartes or Deuteronomy) It all started with the big bang!
Music and mythology, Einstein and astrology It all started with the big bang! It all started with the big bang!
11. All of the important stuff.
First, the Earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil.
And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes-Benzes.
And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di’s clothes.
I couldn’t believe it, he took her best summer dress out of the closet and put it on.
10. Whoop there it is!
The world was a cluster of gas and debris that went whoop! Now it’s a planet. Can thing grow in or on it? No, the sun is a deadly laser.
Oh wait, there’s a blanket. There were single celled organisms, wait they grew fins, wait they grew legs and walk on land now. Plants happened as well.
Holy crap Dinosaurs! Oops, a meteor happened and they’re gone. Long live the mammal, and that’s about where we are.
9. It all happened so fast.
so one day all the animals were just chilling killing each other with totally balanced weapons like teeth and claws and any change in the meta happened very slowly so animals could evolve and adapt.
then a naked ape figured out how to throw a f**king rock and before you know it we have people who evolved to live on African plains hunting and foraging for food trying to live together in massive cities and constantly arguing about politics and blowing each other up.
8. Lots of (excellent) stolen quotes.
God creates dinosaurs.
God destroys dinosaurs.
God creates man.
Man destroys God.
Man creates dinosaurs.
Dinosaurs eat man.
Woman inherits the earth.
7. A decent start.
‘The story so far: In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.’
– Douglas Adams, Restaurant at the End of the Universe
6. And someone typed this out, too.
*deep breath*
Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio
Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn MonroeRosenbergs, H-bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, “The King and I”, and “The Catcher in the Rye”
Eisenhower, Vaccine, England’s got a new queen
Marciano, Liberace, Santayana, goodbyeWe didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight itJoseph Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev
Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc
Roy Cohn, Juan Peron, Toscanini, Dacron
Dien Bien Phu falls, “Rock Around the Clock”Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn’s got a winning team
Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland
Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Krushchev
Princess Grace, Peyton Place, Trouble in the SuezWe didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight itLittle Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac
Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, “Bridge on the River Kwai”
Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball
Starkweather homicide, children of thalidomideBuddy Holly, Ben Hur, space monkey, mafia
Hula hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go
U2, Syngman Rhee, Payola and Kennedy
Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the CongoWe didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight itHemingway, Eichmann, “Stranger in a Strange Land”
Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion
“Lawrence of Arabia”, British Beatlemania
Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson
Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British politician sex
JFK – blown away, what else do I have to say?We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight itBirth control, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon back again
Moonshot, Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock
Begin, Reagan, Palestine, terror on the airline
Ayatollah’s in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan“Wheel of Fortune”, Sally Ride, heavy metal suicide
Foreign debts, homeless vets, AIDS, crack, Bernie Goetz
Hypodermics on the shore, China’s under martial law
Rock and roller, cola wars, I can’t take it anymoreWe didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
But when we are gone
It will still burn on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and onWe didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight itWe didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight itWe didn’t start the fire
It was always burning, since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No, we didn’t light it, but we tried to fight it
5. Aye, the nachos.
Tell them about dinosaurs and pangea, then the ice age, the dawn of man, the industrial revolution, and nachos.
4. It’s all you need to know, really.
We all like pizza. It’s all about pizza.
3. It was designed for this exact purpose.
I pull out my phone, and show them The History of the World I Guess, by Bill Wurtz.
2. Yes, there’s more.
transcript of the history of the entire world, i guess
hi.
you’re on a rock floating in space.
pretty cool, huh?
some of it’s water.
f**k it, actually most of it’s water.
i can’t even get from here to there without buying a boat.
it’s sad.
i’m sad.
i miss you.
how did this happen?
a long time ago, actually never, and also now, nothing is nowhere.
when?
never.
makes sense, right?
like i said, it didn’t happen.
nothing was never anywhere.
that’s why it’s been everywhere.
it’s been so everywhere you don’t need a where.
you don’t even need a when.
that’s how every it gets.
forget this.
i wanna be something.
go somewhere.
do something.
i want things to change.
i want to invent time and space.
and i know it’s possible because everything is here and it probably already happened.
i just don’t know when to start.
and that’s exactly where it started.
whoah, i paused it.
i think there’s a universe now.
what’s it made of?
quarks & stuff
ah, that’s a thing.
in a place.
don’t like it?
try a new place.
at a different time™.
try to stick together, because the world is gonna get bigger.
and emptier.
but it’s not empty yet.
it’s still very full, and about a kjghpillion degrees.
great news!
the quarks are now happily married, in groups of three called a proton or a neutron
and there’s something else flying around too that wants to join in but can’t cause it’s still too
HOT
great news!the protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other.
and some of them even doubled up.
great news, the electrons have now joined in
congratulations, the world is now a bunch of gas in space.
but it’s getting closer together.
and it’s getting closer together.
and it’s getting closer toge-
it’s a star
new s**t just got made!
some stars burn out and die.
bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier s**t.
space dust
which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into
even crazier space dust
so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things.
like this ball of flaming rocks for example.
holy s**t, we just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks.
and it kind of made a mess.
which is
now the moon
weather update:
it’s raining rocks from outer space.
weather update:
those rocks might have had water inside them, and now there’s hot steam in the sky.
weather update:
cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.
weather update:
it’s raining.
severe flooding alert:
the entire world is now an ocean.
volcano alert:
that’s land!
there’s life in the ocean
what?
something’s alive in the ocean
oh cool, like a plant or an animal?
no, a microscopic speck.
it lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup, which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients left over from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
oh yeah, and it can do that.
it has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself.
so that’s pretty nifty, i would say.
tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
now you can eat sunlight!
using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food
taste the sun
side effect: now there’s oxygen everywhere and the sky’s blue.
then the earth might have been a snowball for a while, maybe even a couple of times.
it’s a sponge.
it’s a plant.
it’s a worm, and some other types of weird strange water bugs and strange fish.
it’s the Cambrian explosion
“wow, that’s animals and stuff”
but we’re still in the ocean, hey, can we go on land?
no
why?
the sun is a deadly lazer
oh okay.
not anymore, there’s a blanket
now the animals can go on land.
come on, animals, let’s go on land!
nope, can’t walk yet.
and there’s no food yet, so i don’t care.
ok, will you learn to walk if there’s plants up here?
maybe, said some bugs, and fish.
ok, so i can go on land, but i have to go back in the water to
have babies
learn to use an egg.
i was already doing that.
use a stronger egg.
put water in it.
have a baby, on land, in an egg.
water is in the egg.
baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.
works for me.
bye bye ocean
and now everything’s huge.
including bugs.
wanna see a map of the land?
sure.
oh f**k, now everything’s dead.
just kidding, here are the survivors.
keep your eye on this one because it’s about to become the dinosaurs.
here’s another map of the land.
yeah, it broke apart, don’t worry about it, it does that all the time.
here comes a meteor.
and the dinosaurs are gone
it’s mammal time, here come the mammals.
look at those breasts.
now they’re gonna dominate the world and one of them just learned how to grab stuff.
and walk.
no, like, walk like that.
and grab stuff at the same time.
and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.
“ouch”
and set things on fire.
“yeouch”
and make crazy sounds with their voice.
“gneurshk”
which can mean different things.
that’s a human person
and now they’re everywhere.
almost.
ice age
what, you can walk over here?
cool.
not anymore
well i guess we’re stuck here now.
let’s review.
there’s people on the planet.
and they’re chasing their food.
f**k it, time to plant some grass.
look at this.
i control the food now.
now everyone will want to be my friend and live near me.
let’s all build houses except mine is bigger because i own the food.
this is great, i wonder if anyone else is doing this.
tired of using rocks for everything?
use metal.
it’s underground.
better farming was just invented, in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers.
and the animals are helping.
guess what happens next
more food.
and more people who came to buy the food.
now you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales.
and now you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now there’s more people and they invent things, which makes things better and more people come and there’s more farming and more people to make more things for more people and now there’s business, money, writing, laws, power.
Society
coming soon to a dank river valley near you.
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.
why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?
tired of using lame, sad metal?
introducing
Bronze
made with special ingredient tin from the far lands of tin land.
i don’t know, my dealer won’t tell me where he gets it.
also, guess what?
egypt
meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse.
now we’re getting somewhere.
also
china
and did i mention
indus river valley civilization
norte chico
the middle east is getting more complicated, maybe because it’s in the middle of the east.
knock knock, er, clop clop.
it’s the people with the horses.
and they made an empire.
and then everyone else copied their horses.
greeks
ah look, it must be the greeks, er, a beta version of the greeks.
let’s check in with the indus river valley civilization.
they’re gone.
guess who’s not gone?
china
new arrivals in india, maybe it’s those horse people i was talking about, or their cousins or something
and they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff
you could make a religion out of this.
there’s the bronze age collapse.
now the phoenicians can get down to business
also, can we switch to a metal that’s a little easier to find?
thanks.
look who came back to israel, it’s the twelve tribes of israel.
and they believe in God
just 1 though, he’s got like a ten step program.
here’s some huge heads.
must be the olmecs.
the phoenicians make some colonies.
the greeks copy their idea and make some colonies.
the phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.
here comes the assyrian empire.
never mind, it’s the babylonian- median-
it’s the Persian Empire
“wow, that’s big”
ah, the buddha was just enlightened.
who’s the buddha?
this guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we’re all dying.
you could make a religion out of this.
oops, china just broke, but while it was breaking, confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.
ah, the greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff.
and right over here, alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire persian empire.
And so on.
1. You can’t not love this.
Star goes boom.
New star glows.
Big rocks combine.
Planet heats up.
Planet cools down.
Comets go donk.
Water covers planet.
Amino acids form.
Small buggers evolve.
Buggers leave water.
Buggers get big.
Comet goes donk.
Buggers die off.
Little buggers evolve.
Buggers get smart.
Buggers build stuff.
Stuff gets smart.
GODD**NED UPPITY ALIENS KIDNAP A SPECIFIC BUGGER
Stuff surpasses buggers.
Stuff leaves planet.
Buggers go “Buh?”
Stuff seeks friends.
Stuff meets friends.
Stuff advances further.
STUFF COMES BACK IN TIME TO KICK UPPITY ALIEN ASS IF THEY DON’T RELEASE BUGGER
I’m going to have to think about my answer.
If you’ve got yours ready, share it with us in the comments!
