I used to be someone who was embarrassed about discussing personal and/or intimate things with a doctor. Then I had a baby, and I never really thought about being self-conscious about my body again – ha!
That said, I feel like most doctors have honestly heard it all…but even if they had, I have to feel like they got a chuckle out of these 17 hilarious comments!
17. A special day.
I told my doctor once that I’d eaten a THC laced brownie before I came in to see him.
He asked if that day was special for some reason and I told him “It will be in about an hour and a half.”.
He laughed.
16. Awfully funny.
In the ICU after a bad car accident… Heavily medicated.
Around 230 in the morning, the person in the next room was in their final moments. All of the family were crying and making a bunch of noise in the hallway.
The doctor popped in to see if I needed anything before he headed home. Apparently, I asked the doctor to go next door and kill the person in the next room so I could get some sleep!
Yeah, pain medication!
15. Funny but also not.
I’ve had the same primary care doc for almost 10 years. My health has deteriorated the last couple years (not my fault), and after a recent acute issue, he asked me, “Are you ever gonna be NOT complicated?” and I replied “No, I think those days are gone.”
It was funny, but also not.
14. A classic.
I’d had the Valium to keep me relaxed while getting prepped for sinus surgery.
My husband told me later that I made a fuss when the nurse told me I had to be naked under the gown at which time I apparently said ‘if you have to get to my nose by way of my a$$ we’ve got a problem’.
I have no recollection of this event
13. Starting the sleep deprived jokes early, I see.
I was sitting next to my wife during her c-section, like 3 AM. The doc asked what we were naming her, I said “Madelyn.” She said, “Aww, how are you spelling it?” I said, “with an ‘M.’”
She eye rolled hard.
12. That could have gone badly.
When I was in the OR for the c-section after hours of labor the anesthesiologist asked me if I had picked a name for the baby, I said no. He suggested I consider the name Phil. I said I didn’t want a name that was a verb.
I recalled the next day that the surgeon’s first name was Phil. He literally had a scalpel in me and I was making fun of his name.
11. That’s what she said.
I’d dislocated my elbow and was going to be given ketamine in order to knock me out while they popped the joint back into place, but I was already living my best life on morphine in the interim.
Id been chatting away to the Student Doctor in the A+E while she was doing some triage stuff and she being super professional asked my consent to allow her to put my arm back into place. She unfortunately phrased it like this:
‘would you be cool with me popping it in as I’ve never done it before’
Well, drugged up me replied with ‘that’s what she said’
Well, the doctor, two nurses and I ended up literally crying with laughter because it was so stupid. They were having to compose themselves again and again before they were able to give me the Ketamine injection to knock me out.
I just remember how much it was hurting my arm every time I giggled. It was just stupid giddy humour.
Came round to one of the nurses putting my arm into a cast and i asked the doctor how she’d got on with resetting my arm. She said ‘I’ll always remember my first!’ And again just the lot of us in the cubicle just bursting out laughing
Genuinely great care and hilarious times.
10. Unbelievably yellow.
“How did your sweater get so yellow?”
-Me, upon waking up from a coma and seeing the neurologist standing in front of me in a yellow sweater.
It was seriously the most vivid yellow I had ever seen in my life. Unbelievably yellow.
I later learned it was a side effect of the many drugs I was on.
9. A little punch drunk.
I’m a nurse who has worked in oncology (cancer) for most of my nursing career (with some in psych).
I was working at dedicated cancer unit (all the patients have complications from cancer or treatment)next to an attending doctor who was clearly exhausted the moment he sat down, and was obviously overworked. He was caring for one of my patients who was having some odd symptoms they couldn’t quite pin down the cause of. He spent about 20 straight minutes staring at all her scans, her labs from her stay in the hospital, her history, everything. Finally he just sighed, and said, “what is going on with you?”
And I instinctively said, “she’s got cancer, doc”.
He nearly fell out of his chair laughing so hard. He’d clearly not gotten enough rest, and I think it was just too much for him.
But that’s certainly the hardest I’ve ever made a doctor laugh.
8. A great one-liner.
Doctor: Do you use any drugs
Me: Medical Marijuana
Doctor: What for?
Me: Recreation
7. No butt stuff.
I had to have both my stomach and bowel examined via laparoscope, so they did it in one session. If you’re not familiar with those procedures, they give you a sedative that is kind of like anaesthesia but you’re not fully knocked out.
Sometimes though I do get relaxed enough that I fall asleep.
When the nurse went to put some sort of cream on my bunghole to prepare for the colonoscopy, apparently I tried to push her hand away and said, “I don’t like butt stuff”
6. A long pause.
I was getting tested for STI’s as it was recommended before my girlfriend and I stopped using condoms.
Guy asks me if I’ve had contact with any diabetics and not thinking I replied yeah my brother-in-law is a diabetic.
He just looks and me with a blank stare and says “Do you have sex with your brother-in-law?!”
I was like “no, but you said contact?!” he was like “then why are you telling me?”
Fun Story
5. He was on a roll.
I was having really bad stomach/abdominal pains, and my gastroenterologist told me that I’d have to have an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. Fine, cool, been through this before. So as he’s typing away on his computer, I decide to turn on the jokes.
Me: “So you just do them at the same time, right, and both cameras meet in the middle?”
DrGastro: “Yep.”
Me: 😳
I was not prepared for this, so I start thinking this through. I’ve had enough medical education, and just as I start to ask…
DrGastro: “What? No!”
Me: “You really were scaring me with that!”
DrGastro: “We use one camera!”
Me: “Well, if you don’t clean it between procedures, can you do my endoscopy first?”
DrGastro: “You are really on a roll today!”
4. I’m sure they did.
This was told to me, I don’t remember it. When I got my wisdom teeth removed I was put under for it.
I usually have a reaction to the laughing gas and I threw up (luckily for them I followed the rules and fasted before).
After I was done I apparently told everyone in the room, “it’s all good guys let’s keep going.”
I was told they got a kick out of it.
3. An old joke.
True story: I have sleep apnea. It’s mostly my nose. I was at the doctor for it and he had the little light with a scope looking in there and he asked. “You have a deviated septum. Were you a difficult birth?”
I replied “Well, I was there, but I don’t remember that much. The only thing I remember about being born was getting circumcised.”
The nurse stopped what she was doing to listen. The doctor looked concerned. “What?” he asked.
“Yeah. I remember that part. It hurt so bad I couldn’t walk for a year!”
The nurse burst out laughing so hard she snorted and had to leave the exam room. The doctor kinda frowned, shook his head, and started writing some notes.
It’s an old joke, but that was the best time I ever told it.
2. What do you do for fun?
It was more the doctor that made the funny comment.
Doctor: “Do you drink? Smoke? Sexually active?”
Me: “No, no, no.”
Doctor: “Damn. What do you do for fun?”
We both laughed. He’d seen me for years by the way. Probably is more professional with newer patients.
1. No sense of humor.
I took my Basset Hound to the vet. I asked him how do you tell if the ears are infected. (Common Basset problem).
“You lift the ear, and put your nose close, and smell. Smell will tell you. Any other questions?”
“Wellllll, I was going to ask how to tell if she is constipated but now I am afraid too ask…”
Vet was not amused.
Being a doctor would be hard, but I bet it’s also pretty funny (and rewarding!), too.
What’s the funniest thing you’ve said to a doctor? I want to laugh about it with you in the comments!
