Maybe you haven’t screamed “get off my lawn!” to anyone yet, but trust me, you’re gonna get there…
It’ll probably start with a few comments that will surprise you and before you know it, you’re gonna be wearing pants up to your chest and eating dinner at 4:30 pm.
You might as well just accept it…
Millennials of AskReddit admitted the most middle-aged things they’ve said lately.
Let’s have a few laughs, shall we?
1. Don’t let it go to waste.
“You want to go out for dinner?
Oh no, I can’t; I have chicken in the fridge that I have to cook before it goes bad.”
2. Who are they?
“Scrolling through my Spotify and constantly asking, who the hell are these people?”
3. Can’t do it.
“”Oh no thank, you. I can’t have caffeine this late in the day or I’ll never get to sleep tonight.”
My spouse was offering me the last soda from the fridge. It was 1 pm.”
4. Okay, Gramps.
“I like to plan my errands starting with the furthest place away so everything else is on the way home.”
5. Way too late.
““It’s 8:30 pm, a little late to start a movie.”
To make it worse, it was a Saturday night.”
6. What happened to me?
“After recently installing a replacement security camera, I saw in the saved footage some kids repeatedly riding their bikes and/or playing in my driveway, occasionally hitting the shrubs that line the driveway and scattering gravel/compost around.
I found myself ranting to my wife, wanting to know why these kids were constantly in my driveway, and wanting to know why their parents were not doing a better job of watching/teaching/disciplining them.
Then I froze, and realized… I’d become that guy. That old guy.
It has sparked an existential crisis.”
7. Ouch.
“I was venting to a coworker about these noisy bastards living next to me.
I actually said the words, “god**mn teenagers and their Bluetooth machines”.
I stand by my admonition but man it was my greatest age leap forward since I embraced the sensible Toyota.”
8. Nice work!
“I slapped a crate I had strapped onto the back of my car and said “This isn’t going anywhere”.”
9. Let’s slow it down.
“Not something I said but I just stood out on my porch this morning drinking my coffee and someone drove by pretty fast and I thought “that’s way too fast”.”
10. It’s over now.
“When my wife asked if there was anything she need to pick up at the store, and I responded: “I think we’re out of asparagus.”
Not sure what foul demon possessed me to to say those words.”
11. Wow.
“I have more than one measuring tape.
One for upstairs and one for downstairs and I complain when my family doesn’t put them back where they belong.”
12. Nah, I’m just tired.
“My housemate: you want a drink?
Me: Nah, man. I haven’t had a drink in… six months maybe? More?
My housemate: You stopped drinking?
Me: I’m not SOBER or anything, it’s just that alcohol makes me sleepy.”
13. This is a good one!
“Had a riveting conversation with some friends about the best office chairs for lumbar support.”
14. That’s the stuff!
“My knees hurt, my elbow hurts, I get up at 4 am to go to a job that doesn’t pay me enough, I got bills that cost too high, I got a mortgage to pay off.
But on pretzel day?
I like pretzel day.”
15. Having some issues.
“I met up with a couple of friends a few days ago.
And because there aren’t any indoor venues open to the public right now, and it was nice weather, we went to a park and sat down on the grass. After about 30 minutes, we were all discussing various problems we have with our backs.
We’re in our early 30s.”
16. It’s over now.
“”I will never financially recover from this.”
Said after turning off yet another light left on in my home.”
17. Didn’t register.
“Working at a high school, I referred to virtual learning as “Groundhog Day” and got blank stares.
I wasn’t surprised they hadn’t seen the movie, but definitely didn’t realize they didn’t even understand the phrase and what it meant!”
18. It ain’t free!
“”When you leave a room, turn the light OFF!”
I’ve become my dad…”
19. Inner dialogue.
“Arguing with myself at Lowe’s about what type of landscape edging stone I wanted in my front yard flowerbed.”
20. Show some respect.
“My roommate brought home a guy and slept with him who is both well past the legal age, but still younger than my pet snake.
Young guy: Oh wow! Your snake is cool! What’s his name?
Me: His name is Mike. Wait. How old are you?
YG: I’m 24, why?
Me: His name is Michael to you.”
21. Kids today…
“I tried listening to the iTunes top 100 yesterday for a change of pace and it all sounded like hot garbage, “WHAT ARE KIDS EVEN LISTENING TO THESE DAYS?!””
22. You had a good run.
“I’m only 25 but i did spent five minutes talking about my car’s fuel economy the other day.
So I might as well put on my new balances and start mowing lawns for fun.”
23. You’re old.
“I just worked a prom last weekend.
I said, “These kids are so well behaved and polite!”
Seriously it was kind of shocking. I was anticipating some shenanigans and hijinks.
Almost daily: “Did I remember to take my blood pressure pill?””
24. Gotta do it.
“Whenever I cook anything on the grill, I double-squeeze the metal tongs upon picking them up just like my dad would do.
I can’t use the metal tongs until I hear the sound of the metal ends clanking together.”
25. Next stop: the retirement home.
“”No coffee for me thanx, if I drink coffee after 3 pm I have trouble sleeping.”
And;
“I’m tired, going to bed.” 10 pm on a saturday night.”
26. You’re that guy now.
“”Oh babe, check out these New Balances.”
You know which one’s I’m talking about. The all white with the Navy Blue “N” that you find at Marshalls or at Ross for like twenty five bucks that all suburban dads put on when they’re doing yard work.
I bought them last Friday. Did yard work on Saturday morning while wearing them which paired nicely with my khaki cargo shorts and tucked in moisture wicking polo shirt and a white baseball cap. It didn’t dawn on me that I’m that suburban dad with the New Balances until I saw my reflection in the minivan window.
Then I stood outside in front with a beer can in my Yeti koozy while admiring the clearing where weeds once stood making dad noises like, “yep” or “mmmhmm” and “that’s going to need a coat of paint.”
I’ve become that guy.”
Have you caught yourself saying anything embarrassing lately?
If so, tell us all about it in the comments.
Thanks in advance!
