15 Subtle red flags people often miss in relationships

They may be called red flags, but they’re not always easy to spot. We often blame ourselves for missing the signs and ending up heartbroken and in toxic relationships. The thing is, red flags can actually be really hard to pick up on as they come out in subtle ways that can easily be brushed off until they add up.

The following people took to Reddit to warn against some of those subtle signs so you don’t have to worry about figuring them out.

Caving To Peer Pressure

“I used to go to the bar after work with coworkers. One of us didn’t go, but a coworker kept encouraging him to come out and party. He relented and said he’d come out for one drink.”

“At the bar, he took a sip and said ‘ah, I haven’t had a beer in 5 months.’ No one else took notice of that, but it struck me. He was gone a week later after coming into work drunk.” —BelowDeck

Hiding Behind Free Speech

“When people say things like ‘I can say and do whatever I want, it’s a free country. Ever hear of freedom of speech?’ in order to justify things they say or do.”

“Like sure, you have the right to speak your mind, but people also have the right to judge you for what you say.” —87319496 / Reddit

Blaming Your Sensitivity

“Don’t be so sensitive (or something to that effect). A big warning sign that they either don’t care about your feelings or can’t take responsibility for their behavior.” —Heart_in_her_eye

This is a form of gaslighting that diminishes your entitlement to your feelings and makes you feel bad for trying to ask for your needs to be met.

Turning Everything Into A Joke

“It was just a joke. Where’s your sense of humor?” —chuchimumi / Reddit

This is a cop-out response. Rather than acknowledge the weight of their words and apologize for offending you, they turn the tables on you for not being able to take a joke.

Convincing You To Trust Them

“Anyone who tries to convince you that you can trust them. ‘Come on man, you can trust me. I’d never do that to you.'”

“People who are actually trustworthy don’t need to convince anyone of anything and they also know that real trust isn’t freely given to people you barely know and are not offended when they are not given it.” —Oblique9043 / Reddit

People Who Enjoy Pity

“I had a colleague who didn’t really have any friends outside of work. All of her stories were about how each of her friends had stabbed her in the back at one time or another.”

“She went traveling to Australia with six girls and left early because they didn’t want to do the things she wanted. It was glaringly obvious that she was the issue but still tried to play the sweet victim.” —POded99 / Reddit

Little Petty Acts

“Anything that exposes poor morals. For example, saying ‘I’ll just say I never got it so they send me another one.’ When people show you who they really are, believe them.” —emik7133 / Reddit

It’s not the actual petty acts that are the red flag, it’s the principle. You can’t help but wonder where else they’re willing to cut corners.

Never Asking Questions Back

“Never asking a question. My husband realized his father never does this and now I can’t stop listening for this.” —foofoofoobears / Reddit

It comes off as selfish. If they care, they should want to know how your day was too rather than forget because they’re too busy going on and on about theirs.

Claiming Honesty When Being Mean

“‘I’m brutally honest’ or some other excuse to be an unbearable person.” —mywifemademegetthis / Reddit

Honesty is no longer the best policy when it’s used as a weapon to be mean, rude, or purposely hurt someone else’s feelings with no remorse.

Nice Guys Don’t Call Themselves “Nice”

“I’m a guy but anytime I hear other guys say ‘friend zone’ or ‘girls only date a**holes’ or anything that sounds incel/misogynistic, I’m not going to be too fond of the person.” —OW2000 / Reddit

If a guy is actually nice, his actions should speak for themselves.

Never Letting Mistakes Go

“My dad is incapable of letting mistakes go when my mom does something imperfect. For example, we were going somewhere and my mom was giving directions, she missed a turn, so we had to go around.”

“We get to the place, and my dad ends up saying something like, ‘Yeah, my wife has no concept of direction so we missed a turn’ or something like that in the most biting tone. Like, I don’t understand why he couldn’t just say ‘we missed a turn’ or something.” —Pretzel-Kingg / Reddit

One-Upping Stories

“I personally move away from people who constantly one-up someone’s story or experience.” —Classic-Daikon-5448 / Reddit

There’s no reason to feel the need to prove yourself at all times. That shows a lack of self-esteem. If you feel good about yourself, you won’t care what others think.

Never Complimenting Others

“If they complement themselves often but rarely or never others, for me that’s an obvious narcissistic trait.” —newtypehero / Reddit

We’re all for self-love and confidence, but that means uplifting others too.

Talking About A Spouse Behind Their Back

“When people talk badly about their spouses. Like even in the most subtle way it’s still not appropriate small talk. If it’s my best friend and she’s telling me about hardship or a fight, that’s different. But when I’m meeting you for the first time I shouldn’t be able to pick up that you dislike your spouse or significant other.” —Unhappy-Addendum-759 / Reddit

If you’re not happy with them, don’t be with them.

Attempting To Guilt Trip

“If they wronged you and say something like, ‘I’m such a terrible person, you should leave me.’ It’s them trying to force sympathy on them instead of genuinely apologizing to you. They’re not going to change if you stay.” —AnonyMissBliss / Reddit

They want to feel better about what they did by having you console them instead.