Doctors go to school for a looooong time to become experts on the human body.

So if something is going wrong with yours, you should probably visit a professional first, or you might end up like one of the people from these 19 stories from AskReddit – though it could be argued that this first one was working (before the inevitable infections):

1. Homemade Dentures

Had a patient who was very self conscious about the loss of her teeth. Made her own dentures out of cotton balls, the sticks from q-tips and glue. Could hardly tell they were fake

2. That’s not how it works

I’m not a medical worker, but I once watched a guy put hand sanitizer in his eyes to avoid pink eye in basic training.

3. Eye-to-Mouth

Ophthalmologist here – I’ve had a patient who would re-wet her contact lenses when they felt dry by putting them in her mouth. Ended up with a central corneal ulcer requiring a transplant.

4. Cheese

Not a medical professional, but I once shared living quarters with medics at a small outpost in Afghanistan. Whenever they weren’t busy otherwise they’d see as many locals as they could. I’m working in the back room one day when I overhear this little gem of a conversation:

Patient, through interpreter: “I caught an STD recently during a vacation in Pakistan.”

Context: The locals tend to look at Pakistan like Americans view Las Vegas; a way to get away from it all for uninhibited hedonism when desired.

Medic: “How bad are the flareups?”

Patient: “Pretty bad, but I’m trying to treat it naturally.”

I lean in at this point, ready for whatever explanation is coming. Long silence from the medic, who is trying to process the situation.

Medic: “How…does one treat a STD naturally?”

Patient: “I’m eating a lot of cheese.”

5. Unhappy Ending

An elderly lady brought her husband in with severe diarrhea. She had stoppered his an*s with a ’00’ rubber cork. He died of sepsis.

6. Screwy

I had a guy who had tried to pry his own tooth out with a screwdriver. It did not go well.

7. “Sorry, Sir.”

Self diagnosis. They were in for a Cat Scan for abdominal pain. Patient began to tell me how they were pretty sure it was Uterine torsion as they researched it online and they were 110% sure this was the issue.

Sorry to tell you, Sir, I am 100% sure you do not have a uterus.