We’ve all been there. You finally make it to your gate at the airport, find a place to sit down after determining which seat will be the least annoying, pull out a book or a smart phone, and try to relax for once in your life – only to find that you have chosen poorly. So, so poorly. Sure, you avoided being stuck next to the smelly seat hog, the toddler with croup, and the lady with an uncrated, ill-tempered chihuahua, but they all seem like a dreamy slice of ice cream cake once you discover you sat down next to… the Inconsiderate Businessman.
Author Wendi Aarons (follow her on FB here) perfectly illustrates this scenario in the following piece, which was originally published on McSweeney’s:
Thanks for hopping on this call today, gentleman. Who just joined? Did someone just join? I only have a few minutes before I board my plane, so I’m going to talk as loudly as humanly possible on this cell phone that was most recently clipped to my belt. Can you hear me okay, Steve? I just put my Bluetooth device in my ear. No? You still can’t hear me, Steve? I’LL JUST TALK LOUDER. IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT I’M BOTHERING EVERYONE IN A 100-FOOT RADIUS. I’M CHANGING THE WORLD WITH THIS BUSINESS CALL.
Now, we all realize that our jump off point is agreeing to rally the troops for next quarter so we can circle back to the perfect ROI for the inevitable year-end come-to-Jesus moment. That’s evident from our low-hanging fruit research and the blue-sky white papers presented by the team in marketing, right? NO, YOU’RE WRONG ON THAT, STEVE. STEVE. STEVE. HEAR ME OUT. YOU’RE WRONG. JUST HEAR ME OUT, STEVE.
Photo: YouTube, Mediocre Films
It’s obvious to everyone that clearly what needs to happen is a deep dive to unpack our wheelhouse, circle our wagons, and drill down into the corporate brand’s liturgy. Or maybe its litany. I’m not entirely sure, but it’s something that ends in “-ergy” and it has three syllables, so it’s a bigtime business-guy word. Synergy! But, here’s the main takeaway when you’re drinking from the fire hose: if we don’t focus on gleaning and triple-confirming our bandwidth learnings, we won’t be competitive out of the box and able to ramp up our disruptive go-to-market strategy in Q2. Who just joined? Did someone join? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. THAT’S NOT THE WAY TO APPROACH IT. I SAID THAT’S NOT THE WAY TO APPROACH IT, STEVE. THAT’S THE NUCLEAR OPTION, STEVE.
Steve, I’m going to ping you so we can plug in a time on the iCal to ideate. Put a pin in that. THAT’S WHAT I SAID, STEVE. So, moving forward I’d like to predict our top-shelf investors will conclude that — what? Yes, sir, I know that I am standing in the carpet department at Home Depot. Yes, I realize that you just need my signature to order the new carpet for my stairs and there’s no “deal” to be made because your price isn’t negotiable and that’s why nobody here knows what the hell I’ve been yelling about for the past five minutes. Yes, I also realize that your name is not “Steve,” but I don’t see how that’s important right now, Steve. Hold on, I’m getting another call. One sec. JIMBO! WHAT’S THE GOOD WORD? TALK TO ME, BRO. GOT A HARD STOP IN T MINUS TWO MINUTES. I’M GETTING READY TO BOARD MY PLANE. Yes, thank you. That’s right. The antimicrobial Berber in the “Dawn Drizzle” color. Thanks, Steve. WE’VE GOT TO INCENTIVIZE OUR ASSETS FOR CORE COMPETENCY. STEVE. STEVE. THAT’S WHAT I SAID, STEVE.
Follow Wendi on Twitter for more of her hilarious, curmudgeony musings, and be sure to check out her Facebook fan page.
She’s also the creator of a brilliant parody account, Paul Ryan Gosling, and I pretty much want to marry her.
I just have to figure out the funniest and/or most ironic way to propose first. Brb…
