They say you don’t really know someone until you live with them, but you really don’t know a person until you’re married to them.
In this article, AskReddit users who also happen to be divorced reveal the question they should’ve asked their partner before they got hitched. If you’re in a relationship that’s heading toward marriage, perhaps you should take note?
1. No use
“Honestly I don’t think it would have mattered what I asked, she still would have lied about it.”
2. Demoralizing
“Are you looking for a wife, or a mother? Let me tell you, feeling more like a caretaker than a partner is demoralizing. In a much better place now.”
3. Are you sure?
“Why do you really want to get married? Are you sure you love me enough to want to spend the rest of your life with only me?”
4. Brutal
“Are you a compulsive liar, narcissist and likely to sleep with anyone that shows the slightest bit interest with no care for how that affects your husband and children? Wouldn’t have done any good, she’d have just lied anyway.”
5. That’s a lot
“Would you ever walk on me and our two kids after 13 years together to run off with a guy literally twice your age to that you meet on the internet, with out saying a word to me or anyone else, on our anniversary?
Yeah, explaining to a 7 and 12 year that I don’t know where their mother went, or if they will ever see them again, while trying to assure them them it is not their fault was a something i never want to deal with again.
And doing this while packing up the house cause we can no longer afford to there…”
6. Not enough
“Not really ask my spouse, but ask myself… Am I settling? “this will be fine” is not enough.”
7. Sex talk
“You’re aiming to keep enjoying plenty of sex with me for the duration, right?
I don’t think it was anything so deliberate on her side – just that something we both used to love mostly stopped mattering to her after the kids came along, whereas for me it never stopped being a cornerstone of what I thought intimacy should be (and such a waste of your life not to make the most of). She claimed she still loved me, but there’s only a certain number of times you can hear that in a row as you lie there hurt, frustrated and despairing night after night after night…
Stayed together for the sake of the kids for a few years but then I finally left. Happy ending though – she lives five minutes up the road, we share custody, we’re pretty good friends again now, and my lovely new girlfriend is utterly straightforward about – and keen on – having as much sex as she can (with me, that is!). I couldn’t believe how simple that approach was when we first started seeing each other, and it’s stayed that way ever since.”
8. Important
“Are you gay? Would’ve saved me 7 years and a bunch of heart ache. “
9. Motivations
“What are your true motivations for marrying me or, do you have any reservations/concerns. Considering she had to put on reddit that apparently she did, then ended up having motivations long term.”
10. Jealousy
“What do you expect to change once we are married?”
For me, the answer was not much. We already lived together and had a kid together. For her… Lots of things that she apparently thought were obvious but did not communicate. A brief example: a month before we got married I was driving two hours out of town for a company meeting and met with an old college friend (female, no romantic history) for lunch.
No objections from the fiancè. A few months after we got married, same situation with the same girl and it was suddenly ‘unthinkable’ that I would do that. I asked why it was fine last time but not now and my ex wife said “because you’re a married man.”
I don’t think it would have changed anything but it might have saved us both some heartache along the way.”
11. Don’t settle
“Honestly, all the information I needed was available to me. I knew she was a narcissist. I knew she was emotionally abusive. I just didn’t think I deserved better than that.
Depression sucks. Just because you think “I can live with this” doesn’t mean you should.”
12. Yikes
“Are you going to be faithful to me? You’re not going to sleep with my brother are you?” … Turns out, she wouldn’t be faithful and she would do that.”
13. Pay attention to red flags
“I can’t think of any questions I wish I had asked but there were major red flags I wish I had paid attention to. For instance, normal people don’t blatantly violate your boundaries and then try to blame you for it when confronted.
Ex wife, when we were dating, went through some personal items in my bedroom without asking. I confronted her about it and she proceeded to blame me because “the door was open,” as if an open door was a license to invade my privacy. You know who reasons like that? Four year olds. I learned shortly after I stupidly married her that I was married to someone with all the maturity and ethical standards of a little badly behaved kid.
I was too naive to notice the giant gleaming red billboards along the way and I didn’t love myself at the time. I think part of me didn’t believe I could do better. Trust me, It’s far better to be single than to be married to a terrible person.”
14. At least you’re happy now
“Prior to marriage questions: Are you going to ask me for a divorce if, when I finish college, I make more money than you? If, I do not get pregnant? Post divorce question (six years later): Now that I have a child from another man, will you go to the doctor to have yourself checked and confirmed that it was you all along that could not have children, I mean after you made me cry multiple times because I did not get pregnant at all?
Edit: Thank you for your good wishes. Yes, I am happy now. My child brings me joy. Bless you all.”
15. Stand up for me
“Are you ever going to stand up to your family to defend me?
I am newly divorced. This huge red flag plagued me from the beginning. His entire family was abusive towards me in ways that sometimes are still too painful to even describe. Why I let them, why I stayed for so long are questions I will never have the answers to.
After we signed papers in November, it was revealed he just had a baby with a woman who he has been cheating on me with for possibly at least 3 years. So I am reeling from that as well. Although we have an amazing teenage daughter who is my pride and joy, I regret the last 16 years of my life.”
