Emotional Dad Writes a Candid Twitter Thread on Learning to Talk About His Son’s Death

this isn't really what twitter is for, but ten years ago today my son died and I basically never talk about it with anyone other than my wife. it's taken me ten years to realize that I want to talk about it all the time.

this is about grief

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

most of the conversations we have about grieving are very very weird. tragedy is still so taboo, even in the era of the overshare. it's all very *sorry for your loss* and tilted heads and cards with calligraphy on them and whispering. we're all on tiptoes all the time.

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

but grief is not one thing, it is a galaxy of emotions, most of which are put in orbit by the loss of someone you loved, and the harrowing (or not) circumstances surrounding that loss. but we only get to talk about one part publicly: the sadness.

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

but there is more! some things make me angry: when the hospital prepared us for his death, one of the doctors kept saying "your daughter" repeatedly until I said through gritted teeth "he is a boy".

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

some things make me confused: we cremated our son. how the fuck does that work? like, what are steps one through ten of that process?

some things make me laugh: the funeral home handed us a receipt after our son's funeral that said "thank you come again" at the bottom.

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

our dead son has a twin, who is very much alive. and he's really just great. and that's crazy too, because the better he is, the more i'm like ahhhhh shit I wish his brother were alive.

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

anyway.

all of those thoughts, up until recently, have basically been kept to conversations with my (amazing) wife and (fine) family (jk also amazing). and now I want to share them. and I bet you have a friend with a sad story also wants to share the not sad parts.

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

my dead son has a legacy already, in my wife, who became a pediatric intensive care nurse because of him. can you believe it? being around sick and dying children all day? healing/caring for them? she does that because of my son.

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

my dead son has a legacy already, in my wife, who became a pediatric intensive care nurse because of him. can you believe it? being around sick and dying children all day? healing/caring for them? she does that because of my son.

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

and maybe now, a decade later, i'm ready to contribute a tiny bit to his legacy also, with a plea:

*ask your sad friend about the sad thing that you never talked about*

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

not a single person has ever been unkind about my son, but almost no one considers the fullness of his loss and how complicated and weird and everything else it was and continues to be.

having just recently started talking to other grievers, I know many of them feel the same.

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

ask your friend about the sad thing that you never talk about, and be open to the depth of that experience.

one day, and I mean this without grimness or condescension, everyone you know will be dead. it will help us if we talk about it. or anyway it is helping me.

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

if you are grieving, you are not alone.

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

fisher daniel kayne forever and ever pic.twitter.com/UVvOiwPZrb

— michael cruz kayne (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019