Well, this promises to evoke some very interesting responses, don’t you think?
We all hear a lot of different opinions from our friends and family members about who comes when you have a family: your kids or your spouse?
And I can see how those beliefs can turn into some sticky situations sometimes…
AskReddit users shared their thoughts about the statement, “Your spouse is more important than your children.”
Let’s see how they responded.
1. Interesting…
“I’ve been married to my wife for 16 years. We’ve had 3 children together and we (she) homeschools them. We both are on our first marriage.
Putting your spouse before your children, as a natural byproduct, enhances your children’s lives and enhances the lives of the married couple.
The married couple has a better relationship, thereby every aspect of their lives, that are in their control, is bettered.
The children’s lives are bettered by having a better example of what a healthy relationship looks like and living in a more stable and loving home. The statistics don’t lie. Complete nuclear families are basically a cheat code for success in growing children and on into the rest of their lives.
Love your kids more by loving your spouse first.”
2. A disagreement.
“I disagree with this post as someone who’s mom REALLY pushed this narrative when I was kid. This kind of thinking that you can only love one person more than anyone is really unhealthy.
He talks about nuclear families but this sort of thinking has nothing to do with strong nuclear families. In fact, my mom had this same sort of thinking after her divorce.
She always made sure we knew that her new husband always came first and was the main person she really loved, because well “we are just her children” her new husband is what really matters. That’s not a strong nuclear family at all, and opposite to what OP claims, that’s not healthy for children to grow up believing.
What is healthy and creates actual strong nuclear families I’ve noticed, are the people who grew up with their parents re enforcing love and support never as a competition to their significant others, but a separate sort of love as a family.
Every healthy person I know who has a strong outlook in relationships had parents who never compared their love for each other, but worked as a team to support their families and children.
Basically, the people I know, including myself, who had parents who thought this way grew up pretty f*cked up, every adult I have ever met who was significantly less f*cked up emotionally had parents who acted opposite to OPs beliefs.”
3. Not equal.
“The love isn’t equal. There is no love like a love for children.
I’ve met so many condescending people without kids throughout my years who make fun of kids, pictures of kids, etc… but then they have a kid and suddenly “they get it.””
4. A different point of view.
“My first thought here is children cannot stand up for themselves. They don’t know how to express their feelings or problems.
As parents your job is to do the best for your kids. It’s entirely possible to have a wonderful relationship with your spouse while neglecting your children.”
5. Prioritizing.
“My parents definitely modeled putting each other first. Their reasoning was, one day the kids will grow up and move out/on with their lives and we’ll still be together.
If all of our energy and focus was put into the kids then you have to face the fact that your relationship has fizzled and has no “purpose” since your “joint tasks” are gone. All of us kids and spouses and striving for the same thing.
It’s not loving them LESS, it’s just prioritizing the relationship that doesn’t come as naturally… because you’re much more likely to fall out of love with your spouse than your children.”
6. Scares me…
“It scares me when someone says “my children ALWAYS come first.” That is more like enmeshment than love.
You’re supposed to distinguish between needs and wants. I would pull my kid out of a burning building over my spouse, or give them my meal if they didn’t have any food, or comfort them when they’re sad, even if I’m exhausted.
But you want ice cream 10 minutes before bedtime? You can have a banana.”
7. Take care of them.
“I think the idea comes from the fact that for a good 20-ish years your kids are, well, kids.
They NEED taking care of, extra attention, extra help, etc.
They are inexperienced and is your job as a parent to make sure they’re good.
Whereas, while it’s still your job to care for them, your spouse is (hopefully) an adult and assumed to be capable of taking care of themselves and in less need than your children.”
8. Resentful.
“I have parents who, in a way, put each other first.
My dad puts his own feelings above mine, their feelings come first, and my mom never tells my dad off for being horrible to my and my sister but tells us off for getting upset with him. And here I am. Ready to burn the bridges with my family the second I move out.
And I feel nothing but resentment towards my parents whenever the thin veil of love comes off and I see what they really care about: themselves. It’s not healthy to put your spouse first and it’ll only hurt your kids.
They’ll feel like they’re in a competition for their own parents’ love WITH THEIR D*MN PARENTS.”
9. Not mutually exclusive.
“My father sure did take your approach.
Then when my mother died young he was left resentful about needing to care for two kids on his own and became straight up neglectful and verbally abusive.
You probably shouldn’t have kids unless you are prioritizing their development.
Maintaining a good relationship with the spouse is part of that, and not mutually exclusive.”
10. Different kinds of love.
“I don’t think having a loving relationship with your wife is putting her before your kids. It’s having a family in balance.
I will say this though, if my wife whom I love very much, were to leave me I would be crushed and heartbroken, but I would eventually get over it and move on.
Happened to me once already.
If something were to happen where I could no longer see my kids anymore, I would not get over it. I could not move on.
They’re both love, but it’s a different kind of love.”
11. If it were me…
“I can not agree or disagree as I do not have nor ever want children so I will never know the feeling.
However if it were me, I’d like it be on a equal level, people who say stuff like my children come First, Than me, Than nothing for a long time, and THEN my husband and or general other family members ( I have literally heard someone say it like that) makes me feel iffy.
I certainly wouldn’t find it nice to hear my guy say His first love are his children, than himself, than nothing for a long time, and than me.”
12. Kids come first.
“My children are my heart outside of my body, everyone else is expendable which may sound cruel but it’s true.
You can always find out your “soulmate” is a lying sack of garbage.
My kid could turn into a piece of sh*t and I’d still love them even if it was painful.”
What are your thoughts about this?
Do you think a person’s spouse or their children should be more important to them?
Or maybe they should be equal?
Tell us what you think in the comments. Thanks!
