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Usually when crazy stuff goes down in the supermarket, you have to get real still and pretend you’re shopping while you try to figure out what is going on.
Today, thanks to a forum asking Reddit users to share their craziest supermarket stories, everyone gets to hear about what really happened in the produce section, without fear that you’ll be called to the witness stand. So sit back, relax, and read 15 of the most truly messed up tales with the knowledge that they’ve already cleaned everything up on aisle one.
1. PhoneAccountMan will never be able to catch the chicken zombie.
I’m a cashier, and this guy walks up to my counter with a full roast chicken. I glance at him and continue checking out the person in front of me. When I look back, he’s gone. My manager comes sprinting up the aisle, picks up the chicken, shakes the container angrily and yells, “I KNEW IT, HE DID IT AGAIN.”
I pull the container over and the guy had just taken a single bite out of the top of the chicken and left it. I have no idea how many times he’s done it but apparently enough for my manager to recognize him.
2. Reirarei watched the most ill-fated con of all time.
Some lady shat herself in the meat department as a diversion while her buddy attempted to steal packs of polish sausage and deli meat in the midst of all the drama. They failed epically.
3. Pleasebeturtles will never understand this milk exchange.
I once saw somebody open a bottle of milk, sniff it and wrinkled her nose in disgust. then proceeded to pour the bit of milk she didn’t like into another bottle and buy the first bottle.
4. Epfourteen witnessed some necessary ingenuity.
A homeless man living in the corner of the garden center at Walmart. He set up camp behind the industrial shelves. Stole a tent and was living there for a week. He was shoplifting all his supplies and food.
Got ballsy and stole a George Foreman grill and was cooking a steak at 2am. FD was called for smoke in the building and found him behind the shelves.
Was a pretty solid plan actually.
5. Scrivener83 will never have another Easter without remembering this.
You know how some people will pick up a chocolate bar or a can of Coke, and eat/drink it in the store, then give the poor cashier the garbage and pay for it at the cash? I saw someone doing that, but with a whole cooked ham. And not one of those little deli hams either, it was one of those 5 kg bastards they sell at Easter.
6. Listen- discovered another reason pregnant women love pickles.
My friend was pregnant with twins and was at Wegmans with our other friend… Her water broke in, of all places, the pickle aisle. She threw jars of pickles on the liquid to hide it, then left. She said she didn’t really know why she did that. She freaked out and didn’t want anyone to think she pissed herself, not thinking “I’m massively pregnant with twins and water breaking is an actual thing”
7. This guy saw what would happen if the peanut butter baby got addicted to meth.
While working at Walmart, I watched a woman grab a jar of organic peanut butter, smash the glass bottle on the ground, and use the shards to cut her face. After slicing the fuck out of her face she ran up to my stunned ass and asked to see a manager. I walkie’ed somebody over and the manager rushed her into the office while asking me to call 911.
Apparently she was an addict and jonesing hard. She figured the best thing to do was get hurt at Walmart so they would give her “a million dollars for pain and suffering”. Shockingly enough, Walmart didn’t pay out to the junkie that cut up her own face.
8. Lonelylonerness had his ten-year-old mind blown.
There was an old lady snacking on frozen chicken legs while pushing her cart around. She had wild semi dreaded grey hair, layers of earth colored dresses, and a hunchback. That blew my ten year old mind. She really was a witch.
9. Suitology saw a lawsuit in the making
woman took off her underwear, hiked up her skirt, shat in a pickle barrel by the deli, then called the manager to complain about “the weird pickle”. her hope was to sue the store but while she was out of view of employees over a dozen customers saw it.
10. Shrekwvu has every reason to believe this fat guy was really just extremely backed up.
A fat guy hurried into the store, he was beat red and sweating profusely. He rushed up to the counter with a few bottles of extra strength laxative. As soon as I finished scanning them he started chugging them. He paid cash and I handed him his receipt and change. He burped and pushed the receipt and now empty bottles towards me and calmly walked out of the store.
11. NotParticularlyGood met the old lady voted least likely to smell like BO.
Old lady at Walmart just trying on deodorants and putting them back. Think she tried like 20 before she was satisfied to continue on without putting one in her cart.
12. Mariam67 will wash every tomato she eats for the rest of her life.
My mom saw a woman sneeze on the tomatoes and then take a picture of them. We’re still baffled.
13. Milleribsen will forever be haunted by this pairing.
Once saw someone with a steak in their cart looking at riesling.
Imagine, riesling with steak. That person was insane.
14. TylerMcFluffBut will always be left wondering what happened to this child.
There was a woman at Target yelling at her 5 year old son for crying and embarassing [sic] her. I mean she was screaming things like “YOU RUINED MY LIFE, YOU LITTLE SHIT” etc… Luckily the manager told her to leave and called social services after she not-so-subtly threatened him.
15. And finally, earl_of_lem0ngrab watched a thief make a clean getaway.
Worked in a small local mini market. There was an assistant manager there that none of us liked. He was incompetent but really smarmy because his dad owned the company. One day a known shoplifter comes in so he tracks her on the cctv and sees her stash a bottle of expensive shampoo up her skirt. Delighted that he was going to catch her in the act and be a hero he immediately went to confront her. Before he got to her she had obviously felt something was up and put the shampoo back. When he confronted her and said he knew she was hiding something she whipped off her dress in one quick motion and stood there stark naked and challenged him to find the shampoo on her person. He looked simultaneously devastated and disgusted and told us afterwards that he could hear us all laughing in the security office from the shop floor!
This post originally published by our partners at Someecards.
