Comebacks are tough (just ask George Costanza) because in the moment we’re often so shocked that someone has just said something rude that it’s hard to think fast enough to reply.
If you want to hang with these 15 folks, though, you’re going to need something more creative than “your mom”!
#15. Okay, sometimes your mom comebacks are funny.
“You dress like a grandpa”
“That’s why your mom calls me daddy”
#14. Where did she learn that??
My sister when she was 13, maybe 12. She was fighting with my little brother, three years older than her, and he was being aggressive and mean and she clearly yells, “I’d call you a dick but you’re so fake you’re a dildo!”
My mom and I were in the kitchen and my mom yells at her, “GO TO YOUR ROOM!”
My sister goes upstairs and my mom has tears in her eyes, choking back laughter, “Where did she learn that?!”
I told EVERYONE I knew at the time. I called it The Sickest Burn of all Time.
It’s still so beautiful.
#13. Give it back.
My former friend was 12 years my senior and she fancied herself pretty heavily. She was OK, but I doubt anyone was losing sleep over her. Dressed waaaaaay too young, trying to hold on to her youth.
One day she pointed out that I was overweight and dumpy-looking next to her. I’d finally had enough (she made these comments often) and I said, “Well what about you?”
“Excuse me?!” she snapped, “I have the body of a 22 year old!”
“Well give it back, you’re stretching it out!”
#12. Roasted.
Gordon Ramsay asks his daughter on-camera, “So what’s it like being the daughter of the most famous chef in the world?”
His daughter replies, “I wouldn’t know; Jamie Oliver’s not my dad.”
Boom. Roasted.
#11. Why do you hassle me at work?
“I don’t go down to the docks and take sailors’ dicks out of your mouth, so why do you hassle me at work?”
#10. He never bugged Richard again.
Here’s my favorite self-burn.
In high school math class. A nice, nerdy guy named Richard. A jerk whose name I forget, let’s call him Jerk. Jerk keeps calling Richard “Dick.” Like, “Hey, Dick, did you get the answer to #4?” Richard keeps calmly saying “It’s Richard.” Finally the teacher says “Richard, what do you prefer to be called?” Richard says “I prefer Richard.” Jerk says “Well I prefer Dick.”
After a few seconds of uproarious laughter from the rest of the class, Jerk realized what he said and sunk as far down in his seat as possible and never bugged Richard again.
We were teenagers in the 80s so this was the height of hilarity.
#9. Staple.
‘Go f**k yourself.’
“F**k me yourself you coward”
#8. A classic.
From Casablanca.
Ugarte: You despise me, don’t you?
Rick: If I ever gave you any thought I might.
#7. International burn.
I have read this historical meme where it went like this:
British person: you, French people, fight for only money. We, British, fight for honor.
French person: Well, people fight for what they need the most
#6. You must be the other guy.
Who the f**k are you?
I’m the guy who does his job you must be the other guy.
#5. That backfired.
I once gave a classmate a penny and told him, “it always feel nice giving money to the poor”.
He response with “thanks man, with this I can f**k your wh*re a** mom and still get get change”.
#4. Pleased to meet you.
It’s been told that former French President Jacques Chirac once made the following comeback, which is legendary in France.
Some dude yelled at him “Connard !” (it means “a**hole”, roughly). And he answered: “Pleased to meet you, I’m Jacques Chirac”.
#3. Missing qualifications.
Today in one of my classes we were working on a project about careers, and one of the kids shouted “I want to be a male stripper.”
The teacher responded “I think you might be missing some of the qualifications for that job.”
The student was male.
#2. Dude, can you stop?
The annoying kid of the grade had a spray bottle and kept on spraying it on people even though they asked him to stop.
Some girl walked to him and it went something like this: “Dude, can you stop?”
“Nah.”
“Aw, is it the only way you can make a girl wet?”
#1. Good things come in small packages.
I was in a yahoo chatroom (yes. I am old.) and was like 15 years old. Some guy I had been talking to for a while, and whom I had told I was 15, sent me a dick pic out of nowhere. He asked me what I thought about it…
I told him my mom always told me good things come in small packages.
He was not impressed.
I’m dying! These are the absolutely sickest of burns! High five!
Which of these did you find the funniest?
Let us know in the comments!
