I love listening to boasters/braggers/liars. It doesn’t annoy me at all, I just think it’s hilarious. It’s actually one of my favorite pastimes. Just keep egging ’em on, and you’ll be regaled with incredible tales all night long (especially when there’s drinking involved).

These folks from AskReddit share the most absurd things they ever heard people brag about. Prepare to be blown away…

1. Very impressive

Once I overheard a girl bragging to her friends how she could fit half of her boyfriend’s penis in her nose.

I’m still curious about that to this day.

2. Wasted!

Was having a few pints with the Mrs. and overheard a young lady talking about how she got “SO WASTED” last night. Turns out she got in her car then smashed up a parked car, knocked down a stop sign and turfed her neighbors lawn.

So I chatted her up, found out that she did all this in the city where I conveniently serve as a police officer. Convinced her to sit with my wife and I for a while while we picked her brain about her “CRAZY NIGHT.”

Meanwhile I called up a few “friends” to come join us. Detectives. Turns out her little crime spree caused $50k in damage.

3. This actually is impressive (to me)

When my friend was 11 years old he drove 40 minutes to a Gamestop to buy Assassins Creed when it was released. His parents never found out.

4. Genius level

Having an IQ of 95. That’s right, almost a perfect 100.

5. The future of this country is bright

Far too many of my students brag about never having read an entire book. I quickly inform them they should be humiliated by, not proud of, this fact.

6. Showed you!

“At least I have an STD to prove I’ve had sex.” Not that a person should be ashamed of it, but Genital Herpes isn’t anything to brag about.

7. Nice work!

A guy I knew freshman year in high school constantly bragged about having sex. Then half way into the school year he got the girl pregnant, which he bragged about.

8. No one cares

I brag that I can say the alphabet backwards but no one ever seems to care.

9. Winner

“yo, I smoked like… 3 bowls. and just had like.. 12 beers. I’m prolly the best driver out there.” I don’t wanna hear about your high/drunk driving.

10. Classy guy

A friend brags about how many people he has masturbated to.

11. Life goals

I have a friend who claimed that he had never lost a single game of Blitz for N64. He believed that amongst all of the completely random turnovers and overall craziness of that game, in all of his years of playing, he had NEVER lost. He lost the second game he played that night. Didn’t take it too well.

12. Why?

My one friend brags about how much extra ballsack skin he has…

13. These folks are the worst

I dislike when people brag about ignorance. One guy I know does this all the time. He’ll talk about how he doesn’t know where China is on a map of the world, about how he doesn’t know the name of our prime minister (!!!), about how he’s proud that he doesn’t use your/you’re and their/there/they’re correctly, and other such things. He’ll say that knowing things about geography, politics, grammar or what have you are only for “losers”. Ugh.

14. “Almost”

Unfortunately, this was me when I was about 10 or 11:

“It won’t be that easy to fool me. I was almost a spelling bee champion.”

15. Over the line

Some people think mom jokes are funny or whatever, and I take unwarranted pride in going above and beyond their joke to make them uncomfortable.

“I had sex with your mom last night!”

“Oh yeah? Did she do that thing where she puts her legs behind her head and puts the silverware up her butt? That costs extra, so probably not.”

“uh…”

Usually I end up looking worse and the vibe gets really weird in the room, but hey, no one makes fun of my mom anymore!