10 George Carlin Quotes About Kids

Image Credit: Bonnie, CC BY-SA 2.0

George Carlin was a lot of things, including hilarious and groundbreaking – but when you think about him and his comedy, kids may not be the first thing that comes to mind.

Don’t worry! I’m here to remedy that, because these 10 quotes pretty much sum up kids and the way we raise in the most spot-on, funniest ways possible.

10. I like it!

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: Proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

9. Leave them alone and see what happens.

“Parents are burning these kids out on structure. I think every day all children should have 3 hours of daydreaming. Just daydreaming. You could use a little of it yourself, by the way. Just sit at the window, stare at the clouds. It’s good for ya. If you want to know how you can help your children: leave them the f—k alone!

8. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with my kid.

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“This practice of playing Mozart during the pregnancy so the fetus could hear it. It was supposed to increase intelligence. Didn’t work. All it did was sell a lot of CDs and piss off a lot of fetuses.”

7. He had no time for helicopter parents.

“Today’s professional parents; these obsessive diaper sniffers are over-scheduling and over-managing their children and robbing them of their childhoods. Even the simple act of playing has been taken away from children and put on mommy’s schedule in the form of play dates.”

6. Sticks are so underrated.

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“When does a kid ever get to sit in the yard with a stick anymore? You know, just sit there with a f—king stick. Do today’s kids even know what a stick is? You sit in the yard with a f—king stick and you dig a f—king hole … I don’t think there are any sticks left. I think all the sticks have been recalled because of lead paint.”

5. He wouldn’t be amused at how “far” we’ve come.

“Next stop, grade school, where [a kid] won’t be allowed to play tag because it encourages victimization and [they] won’t be allowed to play dodgeball because it’s exclusionary and it promotes aggression. Standing around is still OK. Standing around is still permitted but it won’t be for long because sooner or later some kid is going to be standing around and his foot will fall asleep and his parents will sue the school and it will be goodbye f—king standing around.”

4. They’re special to you, but that’s not the same thing.

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“Every child is clearly not special. Did you ever take a close look at one of these f—king kids? They’re f—king goofy looking. They’re too small. They’re mal-proportioned. They can’t walk across the room in a straight line. And when they talk they talk like they’ve got a mouth full of shit … P.T. Barnum might think they’re special, but not me. I have standards.”

3. Because that’s not how life works.

“No matter what the game or sport or competition, everybody wins. No child these days ever gets to hear those important character building words, ‘You lost, Bobby.” … A lot of these kids never get to hear the truth about themselves until they’re in their 20s when their boss calls them into their office and says, ‘Bobby, clean the shit outta your desk and get the f—k outta here, you’re a loser.’”

2. Just so you know what’s happening to your Christmas cards.

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“These are the same parents who at Christmas time send you pictures of their children that you didn’t ask for because you don’t want it. But it is fun throwing them away. ‘Lu-Ann is 12 this year.’ F—k Lu-Ann!”

1. Just say no to summer camp.

“Today’s child will be sent to fat camp, or violin camp, or ceramics camp, or computer camp, or to leadership camp, whatever the f—k that is. Leadership camp; isn’t that where Hitler went? Gotta keep the little fucker busy. Wouldn’t want him to sneak any unstructured time in the woods. God knows he might start jacking off.”

If you want to know more about Carlin’s parenting style or whether he walked the walk, you could pick up A Carlin Home Companion, authored by his only daughter, Kelly.

Were you a fan? Are these quotes new to you? Tell us in the comments!