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Even when a relationship doesn’t work out and you have to end it, you still take a lot of lessons away with you. While they’re not always easily learned lessons, a bad experience can be an extremely useful cautionary tale for you and everyone who hears about it.
In this AskReddit article, people share the best lessons an ex ever taught them.
1. Now you know
“It’s my responsibility to set boundaries and enforce them. Basically, she made me miserable and got away with it because I didn’t stand up to her, I know better now.”
2. Very true
“There are things you can’t un-say.”
3. Don’t ignore
“Listen to your gut. If things don’t add up don’t ignore and justify it just because they say what you want to hear. Ill never blindly trust someone again and let another person control me.”
4. A tip
“Alright these are pretty depressing. So something GOOD I learned from a sh*tty ex was squeegeeing yourself off before you dry off with a towel after you shower. Like I just run my hands down my arms and legs and flick water off before I grab my towel, and it seriously keeps the towel from getting absolutely soaked.
But yeah, that was the only good thing I got from that relationship.”
5. Leave sooner
“Love is not enough. It doesn’t matter if you love each other if one or both of you make the other miserable.
Be aware of who you are and what your needs are. Don’t ever try to be someone else. Don’t live for someone else. Be honest to your partner and most of all yourself.
You can find love more than once. Leave sooner.”
6. Creeper
“Don’t leave your laptop unlocked with social media logged in, because she will methodically message all female friends trying to ‘seduce’ them in order to see if I’m cheating on her.
Yeah, she f*cking sent sexual messages to like 20 of my old female friends from high school that I never talked to in 10 years. Had a lot of “WTF YOU CREEP” messages.”
7. Sharing feelings
“Don’t put up with the bare minimum. Don’t invest your feelings in someone who can’t talk about how they’re feeling, particularly, if they’re not happy with something.
I’m still beating myself up over my ex who wouldn’t tell me how he was feeling, I had no idea he was unhappy until he broke up with me. Months of retracing my steps feeling like I did something wrong when really he was the one who didn’t tell me something was wrong so I couldn’t change what I was doing (if I was/wasn’t doing something). I have bad anxiety problems (surrounding abandonment) and this certainly didn’t help.”
8. Lessons
“If she isn’t willing to make time to see you, she doesn’t care as much as she might say she does.
Sometimes you can do everything right and still fail.
It took me until three months after she broke up with me to really learn those lessons, and I still catch myself wondering if I could have done something better sometimes, no matter how many times my friends tell me otherwise.”
9. The best option
“There’s only 3 ways to deal with a situation.
Accept the situation
Leave the situation
Change the situation
Keep this in mind and always choose the option that serves you and your happiness best.”
10. Don’t lose yourself
“There’s things about yourself that you will not and cannot change. That is you as a person. If they can’t accept you for who you are, they’re not compatible. Don’t try to wait it out, or see how it goes. That could really mess you up.
You can help someone, but always keep your needs in mind. Don’t loose yourself. Set boundaries, if they can’t accept those boundaries that’s on them. Even if it means they run off and live on the street. That’s their choice, and if they’re telling the truth about it then there’s no avoiding it. Either they go, or they drag you down with them.
Keep watch of your mental state. If having them around is starting to take a noticeable mental toll on you. Cut them off. You’re no use to yourself and much less anyone else if you become mentally unstable.
I ignored all of these and now I have to see a therapist and I have nightmares about still being in the relationship. My ex got back with her ex which really shows how much my effort meant to them.”
11. Last priority
“Love is not enough. I learned this very hard lesson after being in a 6 year relationship with someone who I absolutely adored. Unfortunately, it wasn’t going anywhere. He never made room for me in his life, and made me feel like I was his last priority at all times. Never met his parents, never met his friends, we don’t even have each other on social media.
He recently moved to another city, and I wanted to go surprise him for NYE, and I just imagined him being like “why are you here, I have to work” and decided not to go. If you have expectations, don’t lower them. This is after many “I know he won’t miss my birthday”, “he won’t ditch me tonight”, “he won’t forget about our plans”, “he won’t cancel our trip”. I was always disappointed, but never surprised. I did not feel loved in 4 years. We had really good times, but I was not happy overall. I love him, I’ll miss him, but I love myself more.”
12. Brought out the worst
“From one ex: “I’m too poor to buy cheap things.” Basically that buying cheap things ends up costing you more money in the long run.
From another ex: It’s possible for two people to be perfectly fine human beings and get along but in the end they are unhealthy for each other. Basically, we brought out the worst in each other. I wish her nothing but the best in life but there is no way we should have stayed together.”
13. Growing
“Always trust your gut. How you feel about the person and the relationship will bleed onto the relationship and your negative thinking can ruin it (but again, if you have a bad gut feeling/ negative thoughts, you probably aren’t meant to be with that person) You can love and miss someone forever.
You can believe they are your soulmate forever but the universe does have the perfect person for you, even if they haven’t come along yet. There’s always a better person for you even if you see them as the one that got away. Progress during heartbreak isn’t linear, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t grown.”
14. A whole list of things
“Your love for yourself cannot be contingent on the love of another person.
Communication is the most vital aspect of a relationship and without it you don’t have a real foundation.
Honesty may be harsh but if they aren’t willing to hear an outside view and consider being introspective they wont grow.
You and your partner are allowed to have different interests and you don’t have to do everything together.
In that same vein you can’t force someone to like something you like.
Try to give someone the benefit of the doubt where an assumption might lead you to a rash or irrational action.
Its okay to have short relationships to help you figure out what you do or don’t like psychologically, sexually, socially, et cetera.
People grow apart and come back together, being too close to someone can cause unnecessary friction even with the best match and you shouldn’t be afraid or penalized for wanting to step away. This does not have to signify an end.
Learn what companionship means to you and know that you can have that same companionship with friends and not just committed partners. People really have a hard time understanding or defining their own boundaries.
I’m sure I could think of a dozen more things but I need to sleep.”
15. Believe
“Basically, if they don’t believe in your passion, they don’t believe in you. They won’t ever support you. I had some mutual friends tell me years later that he always thought my career path was stupid and he never believed in me.
It was rough to hear, but when I broke up with him, I knew we were never gonna be on the same page about it anyways. Now, I try to date guys who understand what I’m trying to accomplish and are proud of my achievements. Not try to drag someone to every concert, or have to explain to them why a certain job I did was important to me.”
