#6. No pork

“I hate pork, so much so when ordering things like ribs, I would ask the wait person if they were beef or pork ribs.

This usually resulted in a long delay as they went & checked, much to the dismay of the individuals I happen to be eating with.

I got tired of explaining it, so I would just say: ‘I’m Muslim.’

Nobody ever pressed the issue, and friends still refer to me as their ‘Muslim friend,’ and censor themselves in regard to racially or religiously indelicate humor.

I am a white Atheist.”

#7. Fake it, make it

“I graduated with an English degree and was trying to find a job out where my husband planned on going to graduate school.

I promised him I wouldn’t follow after him unless I had a job.

I applied to anything and everything with no luck, and I was running out of time before he moved, so I thought, ‘Fuck it!’

I changed my résumé up and said I was a business major instead of an English major and got a job a couple weeks later, which enabled me to move with him.

I then combined my fake business degree with my job experience for an even better job several months later.

I did this a couple times more until applying for my current job. By that point, my experience mattered more than my degree, and nobody cared.”

#8. The pay phone

“First day of high school we had a tour of the building, and went thru the hallway near the gymnasium.

I noticed there was a pay phone on the wall, and I took down the number.

I listed the pay phone number as my home telephone number.

I would go to the nurse’s office, pretend to be sick, and they would call my Mom, who was in fact my best friend telling them to release me.

Then, she would pick me up in the car outside in the parking lot, and I was gone for the day!

It took someone 3 years to notice it was not my home number.”

#9. Sad karma?

“I told a girl I was dating that I was getting deployed because I was too big of a wuss to tell her that she was weird and possessive.

Two months later I actually did get deployed…”

#10. “Me, too!”

“Met cute girl at a party, who told me she was vegetarian.

I said, ‘Me, too!’

12 years later we’ve been married for years, and I still sneak forbidden animal snacks several times a week.”

#11. In too deep…

“A friend of mine has a running lie going with his hairdressers.

The first time he went in there, they thought he sounded American and asked if he was from there.

His brain must have massively trolled him at that point as he replied, ‘Yes.’

Now every time he gets his hair cut, he has to talk about how much he misses America and how different England is whilst pulling off a terrible accent.

It’s been like 4 years…

He’s in too deep.”