5. Bad Sandwich

I was visiting Colorado for a 2 week backpacking trip when I heard this. It all happened in a Denver airport bathroom…

Photo Credit: Pixabay

A man answered his phone call while taking a pee. “Hey, babe!” he exclaimed. “Where am I? Uhm, Colorado…” he said dreadfully. You can just see the worried look on his face. It was so intense everyone stopped their business but him to watch this phone call.

He continued to talk with his girlfriend about how he was here for business (funny, he looked like a stoned high school senior). He was definitely in Colorado to get high and other stuff that definitely wasn’t “business.”

The man looked at all the men and boys embarrassingly around him before answering whatever the girl asked next.

Photo Credit: Instagram, @thejoint.life

“Yah, babe. When I see you, expect the biggest, baddest, penis sandwich ever.”

The whole bathroom erupted in laughter. I myself was almost on the floor. Once we started laughing, I am guessing his girlfriend heard us and assumed he was at a party and immediately hung up.

The man was out of there before we could say “sorry.”

4. Cold Blooded

Out at a bar, table of four girls together behind me.

Two guys walk up to them, “Hey are these seats free?”

Girls: *enthusiastically* “Yeah, definitely!”

Photo Credit: iStock

Guys: “Oh awesome!” *pick up the two seats and walk away*

Living in the south, it was the coldest thing I’ve seen all winter.

3. Boning

I am in the elevator with three co-workers, all of whom are artists. We are going to lunch and discussing what is on our plates for the day.

Photo Credit: iStock

Artist 1: “If you need help skinning the cat let me know. I’ve got some free time. Waiting for Artist 2 to finish boning the female.”

Artist 2: “It’s not my fault boning her takes so long!”

Artist 3: “I should finish skinning the cat before tonight, but thanks.”

I was trying so hard not to laugh at the two lawyer types who were in the elevator with us. Their look was priceless, and I burst out laughing when they sprinted out.

For the puzzled:

Skinning means adding the texture to a 3D model. So he had to texture the (big) cat model.

Photo Credit: Instagram, @luttiart

Boning means adding the bones (or skeleton) to a 3D model. We had one female playable character who needed a different skeleton so she would move correctly.

2. Little Chicken

I am French and my girlfriend is Indonesian. We communicate between ourselves in English, because my girlfriend doesn’t speak a word of French.

We went to my grandma’s house in the countryside of France to pay her a visit, and on this side of my family, no one speaks a word of English, even the basics such as thank you etc…

Photo Credit: Instagram, @traveldaddave

My girlfriend was using this technique that consists of repeating the last words of the sentence that has been said to you when you don’t understand. Of course you won’t go too far in the conversation with repeating the last few words, especially when you have no idea what it means, but you can pretend that you get the message.

I was trying to help both sides most of the time, but once in a while, I won’t lie, it was super fun to just sit and watch and see how it went. One moment was particularly funny. I was in the kitchen, listening to my grandma talk to my girl.

My grandma, bringing a chicken while looking at my girlfriend: “Et voilà un petit poulet.” (Here it is – a little chicken.)

Photo Credit: Pixabay

My girlfriend, with no idea of what have just been said: “Petit poulet?”

My grandma, smiling: Petit poulet.

My girlfriend, super enthusiastic: Petit poulet!

My grandma, thrilled: Petit poulet!

Then everyone laughed with no idea of why this conversation even happened!

When we left, my girlfriend cried a little because she found my grandma adorable, and my grandma told me that my girlfriend was great.

From the few days we spent there, this was probably the deepest conversation they had without me translating.

1. New Tricks

I was in a local grocery store that caters to Latin customers.

Although I’m fluent in Spanish, I stand out. Like I don’t belong there. But it’s in my neighborhood. The closest market. That’s where I frequently shop. My pantry is packed with products with labels written in Spanish.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

While in the housewares aisle one day, two sisters were looking at a huge toilet plunger and were arguing whether their puppy could possibly swallow it or not!

They argued if it was cheaper than a regular dog toy, probably made out of the same super-strength rubber, and wondered at the same time, if their puppy could get it down his throat and choke on it.

Photo Credit: Instagram, @goodetokat

What? Seriously? It was huge!

Have you seen how BIG those industrial-strength toilet plungers are? They were barely able to get their hands around it. I wondered just how big their puppy was, to be able to swallow that thing.

One sister went on to refer to the time “Francisco” swallowed a beer can, whole! They laughed at this. The other, laughed and said that was nothing, “María” could swallow a baseball bat and a beer can simultaneously.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

They belly laughed. So did I. I couldn’t help it.

The sisters swiveled their heads in my direction, as they suddenly realized I understood every single word they were saying. They explained their puppy was an exceptionally large 1 year-old Rottweiler, and had a chewing problem.

They explained that they had read about the Kong toys everybody was buying to curb chewing problems in dogs, and pointed out that for 1/4 of the price (and the same industrial strength rubber) they could devise their own version of the “Kong” with the plunger.

Photo Credit: Instagram, @bowiethebrindle

When they wondered if the puppy could choke on it, they meant, could he get his nose stuck inside with the treats, not literally that he might swallow it. That part was a joke.

They said they would trim off the inner sleeve, so that the suction would be broken, and of course, they would also remove the plunger stick.

I bought two plungers for my own dog, and cut the inner sleeve out, sanding the edges smooth. I removed the stick and filled the hole with peanut butter and stuck it in the freezer to create a solid “plug.”

Photo Credit: Pixabay

When it had frozen solid, I filled it again with water, and refroze my homemade “Kong toys” and made frozen summer “pupsicles” for the upcoming heatwave.

I had backups to keep my dog cool.

Kong toys retail for $17 in my area. The plungers cost $3.69 each. I saved a great deal of money having eavesdropped on that conversation that day.

…And they say “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks!”