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It’s a pretty safe bet that to assume that if you’re reading this article, you’ve flown in a plane before. And if you haven’t, well… don’t read this. Because you probably won’t want to fly after reading it.
Let’s depart!
1. Are you ready?
I was cabin crew for five years – long haul only – and whilst we’ve all passed the exams and tests and blah blah blah and we have a refresher course every year, you never really know how anyone will react in any kind of emergency until it happens. Do you?
Firemen and police are tested on a weekly basis, but in the five years I was crew, there was nothing I personally experienced that put any of the proper training into use, and I’d like to think I would not freeze or fall to pieces, but you just never know.
So definitely pay a bit of attention for the three minutes of the safety demo and figure out where the nearest exit and its alternative are, because you never know. You might end up having to help yourself.
2. Good to know…
In the event of a situation where passengers have to cover their heads you should not ‘lock’ your fingers over your head.
Instead, place one hand on top of the other. That way, if something falls on your hand/head, you’ll still have one good hand to use.
3. Poof!
Yes, on trans-oceanic flights there is a cabin for crew to get some sleep. No, you won’t be invited in for fun times. On some newer planes there’s also a hold for people who have died on the flight. No, you won’t be invited in for fun times either.
If you piss off the cabin crew they will fart on you. The pressure on aircraft makes you naturally gassy and it’s easy to puff one off in the face of an annoying git while bending down to speak to someone on the opposite side of the aisle.
If a meal service is on offer go for the kosher option, so you know it was prepared that day.
4. Yeah, we all knew this…
You might be surprised at how frequently delays are actually caused by flight attendants not showing up and the airline scrambling to get a back-up scheduled. Like a flight attendant was partying too hard last night and decided to call off 2 hours before that $1500 cross ocean flight you just popped on.
Flight attendants are often hungover or “out of it” on flights. Even though pay is pretty, the unions make it very hard to get fired.
5. Defective
I just started working for an airline. Newsflash: the airplane you’re flying on is probably defective in some way.
Obviously if it’s not safe, the aircraft wont take off. But there’s always something wrong with an airplane it undergoes so much stress that it can’t possibly be maintained to a perfect degree.
6. “Fluid”
I work on the ramp. We send full bodies on planes a lot. Some in caskets, some not.
Twice in the 7 years I’ve been doing this “fluid” has leaked out of the boxes the bodies were in and got all over people’s luggage.
7. Drink. Drank. Drunk.
You get drunk quicker on board due to the air pressure (or something) and we don’t tolerate drunken bullcrap.
It’s not a bar; you don’t just get thrown out by the bouncer. You get off-loaded and possibly even black listed.
If you’re clearly loaded before we’ve even taken off, then chances are you’re not going to be going anywhere.
8. Mile high
We know if you’re having sex in the bathroom.
It happens all the time.
We can also open the doors, easily, from the outside.
9. Don’t worry
It is nearly impossible for turbulence to crash a plane (even the bad stuff). Turbulence is only dangerous because of things flying around the cabin and that includes people not wearing seat belts. Most accidents happen at take off and landing that’s why we make you do all of those things before take off and landing.
The plane can move like a seesaw so seats nearest to the wings can have the least turbulence and seats farthest away will be the worst.
10. Smoking
Yes, smoking really is an issue on board, please please don’t do it.
We’re all trained in firefighting but it’s still extremely dangerous to do so on board.
Vaping on the other hand is completely harmless but forbidden anyway, purely because it may entice other passengers to light up real smokes.
11. Safer than ever
Lots of passengers panic when the flight is delayed for technical reasons or when they see the maintenance guys board the aircraft. Let me clear some stuff up.
If you see mechanics running around, that’s actually a good thing. It just means we’re aware of a problem and won’t budge until it has been resolved. Much better to be aware of a problem on the ground than at 36000 feet!
The pilots do thorough pre-flight checks to make sure that everything is okay, and the engineers check the aircraft at the end of the day. Flying is safer now than it ever has been, no need to worry!
12. Just don’t
DON’T say, “bomb” on an airplane. Don’t even joke about it.
I feel like I shouldn’t need to say this, but I had a lady jokingly say that she had a bomb in her carry on, which is why it wouldn’t fit in the overhead bin.
DON’T. SAY. BOMB.
13. Filthy
People ask me if I would ever join the mile high club. No, because airplanes are so filthy I don’t pee unless I absolutely have to. I don’t want to catch monkey pox/bubonic plague/whatever.
Furthermore, when I see you walking into the lavatory in your socks I gag and talk about how disgusting you are with other flight attendants. You are stepping in pee.
Oh and also if I’m hassling you about something, it’s only because I could get in trouble with the FAA if I don’t. I personally don’t care what you do as long as you don’t bother me, but l can get fined for violations (items on the floor at the bulkhead, items stacked in closets, etc).
14. Survival
It’s tough for flight attendants to get into the cockpit since 9/11. We have a briefing before every flight and the protocol is different for every flight. It is also different for half the crew. So one half has access one way and the other half another. Only the captain (not even the 1st officer) knows who does what to gain access to cockpit.
Contrary to popular belief, there are no guns stored anywhere on an aircraft. Not even the cockpit. We have other things to handle a situation.
All the rafts are equipped with survival needs that could keep the raft occupants alive for four weeks. That’s a full raft, so if it was at half capacity, it’s longer. Also on the raft, if anyone dies, they must be thrown overboard – no exceptions.
In a successful ditching (a rarity), the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for a minimum of 15 minutes. However the aircraft is also designed to break up on impact on the land, so the chances of a successful ditching is almost zero.
It’s protocol on my airline that single men are not allowed to sit next to unaccompanied minors.
15. You’re the problem
One thing people definitely should know is that a surprising amount of the delays that happen are due to passengers. Yep, passengers.
That one guy who throws a fit because he can’t take four ounces of liquid through TSA and decided the gate agent was a great target to take out their wrath on caused your delay. So did that family that decided it was a great idea to bring three strollers and two car seats for their single child.
And that last delay you had that the agent told you was due to maintenance? Was thanks to some guy trying to steal a smoke alarm from the plane.
We know you can choose a lot of sites to read, but we want you to know that we’re thankful you chose Did You Know.
You rock! Thanks for reading!
