Cops have a really tough job. They have to deal with a lot of BS on a daily basis AND they get lied to constantly.
But, apparently, sometimes those excuses that sound like total bullsh*t turn out to be true.
Here are some police officers spilling the beans.
1. Still a mystery
“Had a Domestic in Progress I responded to during Christmas Day and the excuse for them fighting was “We’re not mad at each other, we’re just upset because we wanted to surprise the kids for Christmas, we got some Deer, dressed them up, now they’re destroying our house.”
Turns out there was literally three fully grown white-tailed deer in the house somehow dressed with full bell harnesses like Santa’s reindeer.
I had to call the Game Wardens down who were then able to help me remove the deer from the property without injury to us or them.
How they managed to get the Deer and dress them up is still a mystery to this day.”
2. Because he could
“One of the funnier ones that I remember. We got a call for a kid (he was 18 and a gang member) brandishing a firearm. He had pulled up his shirt pretending to brandish a firearm to intimidate somebody. The person calling only saw a holster. After we got there, he kept telling us it wasn’t a gun but a dildo. We took him down at gunpoint and he was right. He was walking around with a holstered, black dildo. Why? Because he could. Haha”
3. Light him up
“One night I’m out working, and as I go down the street (fairly nice middle class area surrounded by some high crime neighborhoods) around midnight I see a dude on a bike, no lights on, pulling a lawnmower behind him on a rope.
I immediately flip a 180 and light him up. Recognize the guy as a local homeless dude with some prior burglary/theft arrests. I walk up and just open with “Dude, come on…”
Guy holds his hands out and swears he didn’t steal the lawnmower. Claims someone just gave it to him. I ask who, and he doesn’t know a name. So I demand he tell me where to find said lawnmower owner. The directions he gave were literally “go that way a bit, then right at a stop sign, and take one of those side streets that way. It’s about halfway down a street, at a house that has a pickup and a car in the driveway.”
By this point backup had arrived, so I leave him in the presence of backup, and drive off in search of his mythical donor of lawn equipment. I made a decent guess as to the first turn, then flipped a mental coin as to which of the next three side streets he would have gone down. I pick the second of the three streets, and start down it. Every other fucking house has a truck and car combo…there must have been a dozen houses that matched the description.
Halfway down, I see an average looking house and go “ehh, I’ll try this one”. After all, it’s midnight and this is a wild goose chase. Go up, ring the doorbell…middle aged dude comes to the door. “Hello sir, have you been giving away lawnmowers to random sketchy homeless guys at midnight today?”
Yes. As a matter of fact, he had. Homeowner goes on to complain to me that his wife was upset as his continual inability to get the mower running, and had ordered him with some severity to remove the mower from the house or face the consequences. He pushed it to the curb right as homeless guy rode by, and the latter had asked and received his permission to take it.
I drove back in shock and amazement. Apologized to homeless guy, and sent him on his way. A few months later we ran into each other at a nearby gas station, and he told me it turned out just to need a new spark plug, and that he had gotten it running again, before going on to sell it for $150 to someone.
For years after, whenever I would run into him, he would always make sure to remind me of the money he made from selling that “stolen” lawnmower…LOL.”
4. Remember to take your insulin
“Not really an excuse, but shocked the shit out of me. I’ve always been told a diabetic with high blood sugar acts the same as someone who is drunk.
Get a call for a car all over the road, hitting trash cans on the side of the road and what not. We stop the car and get the driver out. He’s slurring his speech like no other, can’t maintain his balance to save his life. Fails all the sobriety tests, but blew 0’s on the PBT. He denied drinking and swears up and down he didn’t do any drugs, never mentions the diabetes.
We’re all scratching our heads and I remember the blood sugar thing. Call medical to our location and sure as shit his blood sugar was 550, and he finally remembers that he hadn’t taken insulin in 8 hours.”
5. Burst implants
“My dad is an officer and he pulled someone over for speeding and running a red light and they said their breast implant burst. He called ems to rush them to the hospital and turned out it did and it’s actually very dangerous if they leak.”
“Was doing a tour as an MP (not my normal job, but whole other story), and we got called on a domestic. At the house, there is this huge corn-fed guy about 6’4″ and 275, and a petite Asian girl about 4″10″ and 95 pounds soaking wet. The whole house was in disarray, and the call had come because of yelling heard by the neighbors.
She was crying and talking in an Asian language that none of us understood, and kept gesturing toward her huge husband. He wasn’t talking. We wrap him up, take him to the station, and are trying to interview him, but he’s not saying much. We intend to charge him with domestic assault. We notice somewhere along the way that he has horrible welts all along the backs of his hands and along his forearms.
It took a lot of prying, but we finally got out of him that his wife would beat him with wire coat hangers when she was mad, and apparently that was pretty often. He was too embarrassed to admit to anybody that he was being abused by his wife who was less than a third of his size. We finally got it straightened out, turned her over to the local police, and barred her from base. Hopefully the guy got the help he needed.”
7. No ID
“I used to work as a military police officer. I was working at the main gate one night and this guy tried to come on base but he didn’t have any ID other than a drivers license so I couldn’t let him on. The guy told me that a general said he could come on but he didn’t have any proof of that and he didn’t know what the generals name was.
It was also super late at night and he didn’t seem to have any answers that would help us identify who he was. Long story short, the dude ended up being legit and was coming on base to be awarded a silver star the next day from that general.”
8. Oh, boy
“Not a cop. Family friend was. Pulled a guy over who was speeding profusely. Guy was obviously disheveled. He said he was headed to the hospital because he had a tick on his penis. Cop was confused, but he escorted him there, then waited in the lobby to check on him/ see if he was blowing smoke. After a while, he asked the desk what was going on, why it took so long to take a tick off his penis.”
9. Pay attention to this story
“Popped a college kid for shitty driving and pulled a hundred grams of weed off of him. Also, a 1lb glass pipe shaped like a huge nail. No biggie. Also find weed under the other college kids in the car. Driver falls on the sword and tells me all of it is his and lets his friends walk free. I like this kid.
However during the search we find packaged addies in the cellophane of a cigarette pack with the top melted closed. <goddamnit intensifies>. Ask kid if hes dealing addies at school. Tell him I’m aware of the prescription pill epidemic. He says no and spins a huge yarn about how he only carries a few on him because hes had his orange pill bottle stolen so many times. Kid seems like a pretty good dude. I decided to take the x-files approach. Supervisor tells me pursue charges for dealing..blah blah blah. I tell the kid he has one chance to prove hes telling the truth.
Shows me the broken glass under his drivers seat from a vehicle burglary. Gotta do better. I follow behind him back to his dorm, he let’s me in and shows me the busted footlocker he kept them in under his bed. Dunno. Kinda weak. Supervisors telling me to hurry and and drop the axe. Tell him to do better. He calls one of the soccer team assistants up and we meet him in the locker room. Shows me the little wooden locker which has a broken lock. Ehhh.
Assistant coach tells me they have replaced the lock on his cabinet three times. Campus security has numerous reports of medicine theft from this kid. Nice. I call supervisor up and tell him I have no grounds to pursue delivery charges.
Poor bastard just kept getting his adderalls jacked and being the big dumb meatball he was, he started packaging them like that. I end up talking to his best friend breaking up a house party a couple months later. Friend tells me kid is a stand up guy who only uses weed due to extreme anxiety (totally believable from my interaction with him) and has never sold anything in his life. Friend thanked me and told me his buddy spoke well of me. Friend also tells me he had to drive his buddy to the hospital a few hours after I left from a panic attack due to the whole incident.
I felt bad for the kid. So now, whenever I see him smoking up in his car in the mall parking lot I just wave.”
“Former cop here. I was behind a vehicle that couldn’t stay in the lane, kept swerving, etc. It was 1am, and I think another drunk idiot on the road. Pull him over, guy is a straight up asshole to me. Cursed me out, yelling at me, and I notice his speech is slurred. I get him out to car, and I can smell a fruity smell on his breath and he has to lean against the car for support. I ask him how much he had to drink and he tells me to fuck off.
By this point I’m ready to bring him in for a DUI, but I just had a feeling something wasn’t right. I called EMS to come check him, blood sugar was at 40. Not drunk, just a diabetic. If I would have arrested him, he probably would of died before I finished the paperwork. Go with your gut if something doesn’t seem right!”
11. Ants in his pants
“My first ever real call was for a flasher at the local park, when i got there and finally found him it was a mentally impaired young man 16-17 who had a pair of headphones on in a full pooh bear. I said hey man come here what the hell is going on you know u have to keep your pants on especially at the park.
He goes on to tell me he had bad itching down his pants and couldnt take it anymore so he had to rip his pants off and was running home to get help, I said cmon you couldnt make it home first? He said no I had ants in my pants. As sure as shit according to more then one witness’s account, he had been sitting in a sandbox playing at the park and accidentally on a nest of red ants that had crawled up his pant legs…”
“Former Park Ranger.
First week in the job we pull up and see a couple of kids smoking in their car with the windows down. The city has an ordinance against smoking on park property, but it is too petty to give them a ticket.
We approach the car and they are visibly nervous. My FTO looks through the windows and sees a couple of beer cans in the car. Bingo.
We get them out and start running their info, they are all underage but old enough to smoke cigarettes. My FTO asks them where the beer came from- the driver says he recycles. FTO laughs and begins to search the car.
I’m finishing up running their info, and these guys are being really respectful. FTO finishes searching the cab and goes to open the trunk. All the sudden I hear him bust out laughing. He is laughing so hard he can barely breathe.
He waves me over to look at the trunk of the car and it is level with crushed cans and bottles.
My FTO said that he has heard that excuse for 20 years and this is the first time it was true. He walked up, uncuffed the driver and let him go.”
“I’m running booking one night, guy gets brought in for posessing a truly stupendous amount of drugs. Im talking like 2 rubbermade totes full of shrooms, a huge bag of weed, and enough heroin to overdose half the county. “Well,” says he, “I’m a DEA informant and they told me to make the drop so they could be there and raid the crap out of everybody and let me go for helping.”
Uh huh. riiiiiight. Face left please.
Guy is like “I’m tellin you dude, theyre gonna be suuuuper pissed that you country retards fucked up thier bust!”
Whatever, get in the holding cell and shut up.
About 3 hours later three guys show up, DEA agents, theyre super pissed that our deputies fucked up thier bust. I go back to the holding cell to let the guy out, and he’s just like “theyre super pissed huh?”
“told you so.”
14. Mind. Blown.
“I went to a disturbance at a backyard bbq once. Turns out it was a bunch of Roma (gypsies). As I was trying to figure out what was going on I had some old lady approach me and want to talk to me off to the side.
She told me she was an informant for the FBI and that if I left, she would be able to get some information on a matter the FBI was interested in. I rolled my eyes and thanked her and said I would be out of there as soon as I could make sure there was no violence going on.
Anyway I determined it was just verbal so I cleared the call and went back in service. About 15 to 30 minutes later dispatch radioed me to head back to the station. I got there and got a message to call some FBI Field office and ask for a certain agent.
I called and sure as shit this agent said he understood I spoke with his informant and wanted to know everything she told me.
Blew my mind.”
15. IKEA will do that to you
“Cop here – got a call of a domestic dispute that sounded very heated and a lot of banging was heard. Get to scene and I can hear someone yelling and swearing and brawling, doesn’t sound good at all. Guy answers the door, shirt off and angry, but seems bewildered as to why police had been called.
He told me he was building Ikea furniture – sounds like the most bullshit thing. But, we enter, see the new IKEA furniture half set up and no one else is home. Colour me surprised.”