[during sex]

Me: hurt me

Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows

Me: wait

Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure

— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 19, 2019

pee after sex or you will get a tgi friday’s

— coolbutpoorguy (@coolbutpoorguy) July 18, 2018

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

— butters (@yung_butters) July 8, 2019

i’m tryna have sex so rough that the earthquake is shook

— TANA TURNS 21 ON MTV OUT NOW (@tanamongeau) July 6, 2019

How parents go from “Sex is bad” to “I want grandkids”?

— Taé Smoove (@DelanteCherry) December 25, 2018

Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing

— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) December 26, 2013

This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?

— Thor Olsen (@superduperkewl) September 15, 2011

jake gyllenhaal is so weird i feel like the actual reason he and taylor broke up is because he barked during sex

— char (@deIicatekloss) July 6, 2019

My favorite sex position is when someone makes a playlist for me

— closeted psychopath (@SolivanMatthew) July 3, 2019

This Father's Day, make sure you hook up with an older man who has the same name as your actual father.

— Hugh! McIntyre (@PopBangHugh) June 16, 2019

when vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. i will not be reading any replies to this tweet.

— viking (@notviking) July 5, 2018

i was having sex once and the girl said “cum for me” and i thought she said “comfort me” so i stopped n i hugged her

— seabass (@jedifeminist) January 14, 2018

Girls be tryna have sex for hours… first of all sweetheart, I have asthma

— juju (@fatherjstn) September 28, 2017

sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn't share it with anyone who hates rick & morty

— han lane (@hxnlxne) August 7, 2017

[undoes GFs bra first time]
"wow have you been practicing?"
don't be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

— k e i t h ?? (@KeetPotato) May 17, 2015