Parenting is one of those areas of life where most of us try to keep our opinions to ourselves (and everyone should do more of that, to be honest).
Unless actual abuse is taking place, we tend to feel like what goes on in someone’s family home is their business and no one else’s.
This person, though, is really stepping up to the plate and declaring war on helicopter parents, coming with a list of reasons they’re the worst kind out there (if you take abusive parents off the list).
CMV: Helicopter parents is the worst kind of non-abusive parenting
I’ve been running into helicopter parents like crazy lately. And I just don’t understand it. I totally agree that keeping your kids physically safe is important- but not at the expense of mental well being, and social experiences.
I have a neighbor who won’t let her 5 year old more than arms reach away. Playing tag? Not allowed, because she’s too far away. Not allowed a single popsicle on a hot day because it’s “too sugary” (this is a perfectly healthy child, not diabetic or any reason that the amount of sugar in a popsicle would be dangerous). So while all the other kids run around and have treats, she’s not allowed to join in.
Like keep your kids safe, obviously- but physical health is only ONE small part of what makes up a well rounded healthy child. if you are stopping your kids from exploring, or meeting new people, or participating in activities because of YOUR anxieties, that’s wrong.
And I’m not talking about parents who are like more safe than most- I’m talking about the kids who aren’t allowed to do normal activities.
Reddit is meeting them where they are, so let’s see whether people agree or disagree about how harmful helicopter parents might be.
16. There are worse things.
Neglecting the child is probably one step worse. That is, the child is fed and taken to school but that’s it. They want to take up a hobby? Well, I’m not paying for it. When you’re old enough to work, you can handle it.
Helicopter parenting is way too much support. You need to let the child stand on its own to see whether it topples or stands. But providing no support means the child would need Herculean drive to achieve even basic things.
I have friends with overbearing parents and they had trouble in life but the ones with parents who provided no support did horribly.
15. Maybe it is abusive.
Just wanted to ask, why don’t you think it’s abusive?
Helicopter parents tend to adversely affect emotional and social growth, and that’s just as important as physical health.
14. Give other parents a break.
I honestly feel that posts like this, which portray their subject as being so far over the top with no redeeming qualities, are seriously over-exaggerating. And even if you think you’re being honest, your view of their relationship only exists in little snippets.
You don’t know the full story or how they are in their private moments. Have you asked what her reasoning is? Maybe the child has some physical issue that needs close monitoring. There are things, like brain and heart disorders, that cause stuff like loss of balance and easy over-exertion.
Moms are already so judged on everything that they do, but the people doing the judging rarely have the full picture. The mom herself might be working through her issues of her own experiences and trauma, and she’s honestly doing her best.
When it comes to parenting, unless there is actual harm being done to a child, not just speculative future harm, people really need to just mind their own business. Give the poor woman the benefit of the doubt. Parenting is hard.
13. Change your thinking, change your mind.
This is the real crux of the problem: taking away opportunities is just as damaging as other kinds of abuse.
But it isn’t treated the same way so parents continue to get away with it until someone makes them change.
12. It can be tricky to judge.
Helicoptering usually means letting your kids do activities, but always tagging along to watch and supervise — like a helicopter. Think sitting in on college interviews, or always volunteering to chaperone field-trips. Also keeping tags on what they see and do on their devices. That doesn’t seem like what you’re describing, to me.
But definitions aside, it can be tricky to judge from afar: maybe the parent knows the kid doesn’t get along with the other kids who were playing, and wants to protect them from something specific; maybe the kid has diabetes.
There are so many scenarios where their actions seem cruel or unnecessary to an outsider, but make sense with more context. Of course it’s also entirely possible they’re being overly strict, but it’s good to keep an open mind.
11. An insane example.
My parents are all the way abusive, but the type of abuse they show everyone is just the controlling-helicopter type.
Almost no one wants to be my friend bc opposite-sex friends are highly discouraged and if there’s anyone new, my mom has to tell them to not send me any pornography, no cussing, no drinking or doing drugs and tell them i have a boyfriend.
Also she does a background check on their age, social media, police files, what are their goals for life and what does their parents do for a living.
Mind you i’m 19.
10. Little kids are suicidal.
There is a continuum of parenting and it should be tied to a child’s developmental stage. Until the age of 5, kids are basically always at risk of doing something very dangerous. From 6-9, they should have more independence, but within view of an adult at all times.
Beyond that they should incrementally get more freedom based on their level of development. Helicopter parents are one extreme, but there is another extreme of parents who fail to supervise their kids at very young ages.
These free-range (lazy) parents let little kids wander the neighborhood and become the problem of other parents.
9. You can’t presume future harm.
You can’t judge whether that child is being harmed by the one (or few) instances you’ve seen, though. You’re presuming future harm based on your own ideas of what’s correct parenting. You don’t know if there is some extenuating circumstance based on a recent event, or if the mom is just stressed out and not reacting the way she usually does.
You might think it’s wrong, but your idea of harm is just speculation and not something quantitative that you can see with your eyes. It’s nothing at all like watching a child get hit and an actual injury appearing on them.
8. Indoctrination happens.
I had a friend with helicopter parents and when she was 20 she left a UTI untreated because she wasn’t allowed to go to the doctor alone or do anything unsupervised and she thought her parents would think having a UTI meant she had sex.
They also went over all of her spending like she had a good job and made good money and they kept track of where every penny went. They didn’t take her money or anything just kept track.
And they were so nice on the surface so she literally had no idea it was weird. Like they never once raised their voices, said anything out of line like a verbal attack of any sort.
So she had no idea how they treated her was even wrong. Even though I did try to point it out. She always talked so highly of them and thought she was very lucky to have such good parents.
7. Something more serious is sometimes going on, too.
It’s usually indicative of more abuse going on. And helicoptering is abuse. Not letting a 16 year old stay after school to participate in sports because you can’t watch is abuse. Not letting your 17 year old visit anybody’s house or go to the mall is abusive. These are milestones and the kind of parents that are not allowing certain milestones are usually being abusive in other ways too.
It’s not non-abusive. It is abusive and is the hallmark of something more serious going on. Not all abusers have sexual or physical afflictions. It’s sad that society treats parents like some sort of diety. Almost all people become parents at one point or another, it’s something at least 50% of the human race does, and I don’t care how much you “care”. I have no compassion for parents that function this way. They don’t want to parent. They want to control. These are the type of kids that get high SAT scores and then try to attempt suicide within a year of “moving out”.
Genuine helicoptering is NOT normal.
6. Time to move out.
Non-abusive my ass. With time, it does turn toxic. I am an only child and my parents have always been overprotective. I wasn’t allowed to take up sports coz they feared I might break a bone. Was made to sit indoors, wasn’t allowed to make more friends coz they thought that’d spoil me. Always picked me up from school even when I wanted to join my friends on our way back home. Was never allowed to stay at any relative’s place coz paranoia.
College was a breakthrough. News friends, new experiences, lots of exposure.
But then they made me quit my job to pursue a career that they thought was appropriate for me (To be honest, I wish to have a career in that field too. But never wanted to risk it all).
Here I am. 24 years old and unemployed. Stuck with parents who don’t even let me close the door of my room, who want me to keep pursuing one of the toughest career paths that has 99.99% probability of not working out, who are reluctant to fund my masters coz they can’t bear the thought of parting ways.
I’ve learned one thing. If I decide to have children, I’d never let my insecurities hinder the overall growth of my child. I would prefer raising a person and not a puppet.
5. Bad things can happen no matter how you parent.
I think this is a blanket statement that ignores the nuances of specific situations. While I tend to agree that helicopter parenting is not incredibly effective at encouraging the development of skills, it can also prevent children from serious injury and trauma.
One of my cousins let her kids run around the neighborhood because it was a supportive community where everyone watched each other’s kids. Seems like a great type of legal parenting until you learn that one of the dads sexually assaulted her 7 year old.
Which is worse – dealing with reduced skill-building or the trauma that comes from childhood sexual assault?
4. It’s just instinct.
Honestly I get what you’re saying and I mostly agree, but I have a 6mth old myself now, and the amount of times I’ve been told I’m being ‘silly’ or ‘daft’ for protesting when his thrown about or manhandled is crazy.
Mostly I know he’s safe and if he were to be dropped or hurt he would probably bounce back. The need to protect is so strong though and I could see how it could escalate.
3. Can parenting classes have an impact?
i dont know about the US but in the UK this is something that can be referred to social workers under ‘neglect and emotional abuse’, it’s only a minor problem and so will generally be handled through parenting classes.
These explain in detail the impact on social development and how that has a knock on effect on the child’s personal development and overall emotional well-being as well as the impact on their relationship growing up, especially during the kid’s teens. As the child is able to talk in the scenario you’re bringing up, it would be fairly easy for the social worker to determine whether or not they seem depressed* prior to the classes and then find out if theres been a significant change after the classes
*necessary to be counted as emotional abuse in these cases
2. Definitely sounds crazy.
I watch 1-2 yr olds at my churches child care, we have a parent that brings the 2 yr old in and then stays in the room and does everything for her.
The mom go so far as to call the child back to her when the little girl tries to go play with another child.
She broke up every animal cracker and handed them piece by piece to the kid. It is infuriating.
1. It may not be what you think.
I once read a bout a Mom who lost her first child to a freak event that should no way have been fatal.
With her second kid, she was definitely over-protective, and was aware of it, but admitted she just couldn’t help it.
I am in NO way defending helicopter parents, but sometimes there is more to it than we realize.
I myself grew up in the 50’s and 60’s. Looking back, it’s a wonder we survived – but it sure was fun!
There are some interesting points made here, don’t you think?
Do you think OP overstated or is spot-on? Sound off in the comments!
