I’m a parent now, and I’ve seen my kids do hilarious things. I can only imagine the things my parents watched me do that I had no idea they were seeing…
1. Play ball
Like many sports fans, I’d play imaginary baseball in my yard. I was about 7 or 8 when my parents witnessed this. I’m coming around to score and get called out, but I clearly beat the tag, so I argued with the umpire (argument lasted about 5 minutes) and was ejected, which made me more angry. My mom watched the entire debacle from her window, presumably laughing hysterically.
[My son was] Gnawing on his aunts vibrator. We were visiting from out of town and he was exploring the house, found it on her bedside table and walked out chewing on it. I’ll never tell him because it would embarrass his dad more than I care about it embarassing him.
3. Mums the word
When I was six years old, I had a playmate who was two years older than me. And we used to play, “the rape game” in which one of us would pin down the other one and scissor her… Umm… Once my mom came home and found us two girls scissoring in the middle of the living room. Of course, in shock, she said “What are you doing?”. And although my friend tried to shut me up, I replied “The rape game”… And she never mentioned this again… In my life, after kind of being… I mean she did tell me not to do it. But afterwards, she never talked about it again.
When my daughter was 4 years old, she got into our DVD collection and snuck out the movie Jaws to watch in her pink Barbie TV and DVD player.
At first I thought she must have thought it was just a fish movie and it probably scared her….nope, she loved it. I asked her if it was scary watching those people getting eaten and she said it wasn’t because sharks need to eat too.
Later I got her a large, pillowy, stuffed shark and she would sleep with that instead of the normal teddy bear like most kids. Her favorite toy to take on trips in the car was a plastic shark she got at Sea World.
She is 15 now and wants to be an ocean biologist and study sharks. She still has the stuffed shark on her bed every night.
5. On. Command.
My daughter just turned two. A few weeks ago I went to check on her after I had laid her down for bedtime. I stood outside the door listening and kept hearing a weird noise and then hearing some giggling. So I opened the door and started watching and she was making herself fart and then laughing hysterically at herself. Apparently she can fart on command.
I had this little pink vibrator, my dog grabbed it out of my room and started chewing in it in the living room. Then it started to vibrate and she got so scared she peed. Then i came home and my mom looked terrorized, said, “Luna was chewing on that pink… THING in your room.” And I just started laughing. Awk.
7. Who didn’t do this?
I don’t remember myself, but my parents loooove to tell me about the time they found me dancing naked on the kitchen table to the final jeopardy music at age 2 or 3.
8. Trick or treat
One fine spring afternoon when they were supposed to be down for their naps my two youngest who were 4 and 5 and a half, put on their ‘old lady’ dress up clothes, sneaked past the babysitter who thought they were asleep, and trick or treated the apartment building next door to our house.
My daughters reported that several people thought they were cute and gave them candy or small change. There were also a few unhappy people who scolded them for ‘begging’ and sent them on their way. When I inquired if anyone asked where their babysitter was, they both rolled their eyes at the kitchen ceiling and shook their heads.
“We were dressed up,” my youngest insisted.
When I arrived home a couple evenings later they asked if I would take them next door again after dinner: they had drawn thank-you notes for the neighbors who had given them treats.
They also had made a few drawings that were clearly not thank you notes: a picture of the building on fire, a person running away from a large animal, another getting struck by lighting…
Those, I was informed, were ‘hex notes’ they’d made “for the people who were mean to us.”
9. Shower of shame
Thought my dad left for work in the morning so I had the house to myself. I got out of the shower and turned the CD speakers on as high as they could go to the amazing tune of Cheeseburger in Paradise. I proceeded to sing and dance around the living room in my birthday suit pulling off a performance that would have even have wowed Simon Cowell. As I got to the chorus one last time, I twisted my elegant body to see my dad witnessing me in mid-performance. He just shook his head and left. I decided to cut the music and take another shower in shame. My singing and dancing career also ended that day.
Mine would have to be when,during a commercial break, I started powering up like a saiyan, but only with little quiet whisper yells. I was still sitting down.
When I was done I saw my mom standing in the doorway just watching me for God knows how long.
So all she saw was some 9-10 year old, sitting down, looking up and going “hyaaahhhhh! Hah hah…. Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
11. Measured up
When I was probably twelve, my mom found the tape measure in the bathroom. My dad couldn’t keep a straight face when she was yelling at me for never putting things back, which only made my mom angrier as she couldn’t connect the dots. My dad reminded me of the story years later, swearing that my mother never figured out what I was doing with the tape measure.
12. Walk away
Well when I was younger, I saw a black laced bra lying on the floor…
I thought to myself, How would this look on me?
So I went to the bathroom, and stood in front of the mirror to try it on. Unfortunately for me, I forgot to lock the door, and my dad walked in on me… topless with a black bra on.
(Im a guy btw).
It’s a toss up between 7 year old me being caught by mom and dad with a vacuum on my penis and 16 year old me being caught masturbating with headphones on and my head covered by a pillow.
7 year old me wanted to know how a blow job felt, and 16 year old me knew they were going to a party (car broke down 2 blocks from the house).
Hey, you live you learn:)
Me and my boyfriend were fooling around with the slow motion feature on the new iPhone and trying out different things to slow-mo. We decided to take a video of him slapping and jiggling his thighs. So he was in his boxers, and I knelt down in front of him to get the best cinematographic angle, probably a foot away from his pelvic area.
Queue my dad NOT KNOCKING and walking in on me with a camera on my knees pointed at my boyfriend’s junk in his boxers. My boyfriend just bursted out laughing and all I could muster was “It’s not what you think.” He didn’t say a word and closed the door.
15. Bigger and better
“Caught” doesn’t apply
But when I was younger I walked it into the living room and said
“I need bigger condoms”, and walked away
16. Slammed closed
When I was younger (probably 10-12 years old) my dad was talking about foreskin. I’m circumcised so of course had never seen an uncircumcised penis at that age.
So, my parents go out to dinner or something. I’m home alone. I sit on the couch with my mom’s laptop and go to Google images. Type in foreskin. Parents happen to arrive home immediately after, so I slam the laptop shut (without closing the window) and I’ve got this guilty look on my face of course.
Dad walks over, grabs the laptop and asks “What the fuck are you doing?”
I explain myself and he’s just like “Don’t do that ever again” and walks off.
17. Standing Ovation
When we were in high school (like 16-17), my best friend was home by herself one day and bored so she decided to watch The Little Mermaid. When “Under the Sea” came on, she turned the volume all the way up and was dancing all around her living room singing along. When the song was done, she heard slow clapping coming from the doorway…her dad had come back home to grab something and witnessed almost the whole performance. I laughed my ass off when she called and told me.
18. Not funny?
My mom just walked in on me calling Siri a cunt yesterday. She stared, I laughed. She left.
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