15 People Share the Things They’ve Heard While Pretending to Be Asleep

I would venture to say that every human being has, at some point in their life, pretended to be asleep when they weren’t. There are all sorts of reasons one might engage in this small deception – your parents think you’re asleep, you’re trying to get your kid to sleep, you don’t want to have s*x, you don’t people to think you can hear them…

And when it comes to that latter one, well…sometimes you do hear them, and sometimes what you hear can turn out to be pretty f’ing crazy.

Which is what happened to these 15 people, who are now going to share the gossip with you.

15. That’s a sad state of affairs.

A screaming match involving the line “I want you to say one nice thing about my kids, ONE!”

Followed by silence and doors slamming.

14. Well this is sort of adorable.

I was dozing off in my bed with my girlfriend at the time when I heard her confess her love for me.

She was pretty hammered, but she went into intricate detail about how she feels respected, enjoys the s*x, and sees a serious future with me.

The next morning I got yelled at for not cuddling and that it was a major issue. I don’t think she even knew of her confession.

13. I can only assume you had nightmares that have only been resolved by therapy.

My parents talking dirty while they were doing it.

I was around 6-8 years old.


12. Oh my god why is this so hilarious?

I heard my roommate on a cruise ship getting viciously & sloppily fingerb**ged for over an hour.

The guy kept saying to her to, “guess how many fingers are in you now!”

11. Aww, not everyone is terrible!

I had been sleeping on the couch in my CCA room in school and I heard my name just as I woke up so I stayed put to eavesdrop.

A couple of mates were talking about me in a positive light and saying nice things about me without knowing I was awake. It was really nice to hear it especially since I was a relatively low point at that time.

Every time I think about this I feel good, even though it’s been a half dozen years or so, and it always reminds me to uphold those good characteristics.

10. That’s not the thing you want to overhear. Ever.

My mum told a friend via telephone: I thought my husband was cheating, so now i do it to.

I still don’t know what to do.

9. At least she took the constructive feedback.

When I was a kid my mom would make my brother and me take naps for like 45 minutes. I pretended like I was sleeping, and I heard my mom talking on the phone to my grandma.

During the conversation I assume my grandma asked what my brother and I were up to, because she said that my brother was sleeping, and he’s pretending to be asleep.

I was like f**k.

She said she knew I was faking because my mouth was closed, and whenever I’m actually asleep my mouth is slightly open. Ever since that day, whenever I’m pretending to be asleep for whatever reason, I keep my mouth slightly open.

Thanks for the tip mom.

8. After while I can only assume you never slept again.

Night after drinking with friends I wasn’t really pretending more trying to keep the my head from spinning.

I overhear my buddy say to my other friend say I wonder how easy it is to smother someone to death.

7. Some serious wingman sh*t.

I was less than 3 feet away as one of my best friends took a 19 yo’s virginity.

We traveled from the bay to LA to attend a rave with some girls we met at EDC a few months prior. After all the partying took place, one buddy took the older sister to his car, and my other buddy started making moves on the younger sister.

I was “sleeping” on the floor, and was petrified, because I felt like if i moved, it would kill his game. So i sat through the most awkward s*xual experience of my life, to help him get laid. It was short, and sporadic, but they both seemed to enjoy it, i think, so i think i made the right decision pretending to be asleep on the floor as they bunny humped on the bed literally 2 1/2 feet from me.

6. Yeah you definitely don’t want to take one for that team.

Back in grade school I was over at a friends place with a couple other friends for a sleepover.

We were watching Kenny vs Spenny, the episode where they see who can go around naked the longest or something.

His mom comes in and thinks he watching gay porn. Naturally we pretend to be asleep while him mom reams him out and thinks he’s watching gay porn in front of us.

Sorry Scott, good times though.

5. Was it actually a joke, though? (I hope so).

My mom to her friend, when I was like 8, “I don’t actually even like her. She’s so annoying, I want to get rid of her.”

Naturally I burst into tears. She said she was sorry, she knew I was awake, and it was just a joke.

She’s got a cruel sense of humor..

4. Kids really never change.

Weekend retreat at church camp – my buddy and another friend’s girl and I ended up in a room with two bunk beds. We were chilling when I realized that I was the third wheel, so I powered down. First there were tests to see if I was awake, then she climbed to his top bunk, then kissing, then her moaning, then her telling him he should wash his hand. I got bored and did some fake sleep-talking. They laughed and continued, but they called it a night without rounding home. She left, and I figured it was best to not give high-fives till the next day.

I don’t know why I waited until we were at his house; maybe she rode back with us. Still, it was my first time playing Super Nintendo, and as he handed me the controller that would introduce me to Yoshi, I asked him, “you did wash your hands, right?”

He was so thrilled to get to talk to someone about it.

3. You could do a lot with that information.

I was drunk at a party and couldn’t fathom the world so I lay down, closed my eyes in a dark room.

I heard two of my friends come in, one came over to me and poked me in the ribs then said “It’s fine, he’s asleep.” then proceed to talk about how both of them were cheating on their boyfriends and who at the party they wanted to f**k.

2. This is just mean I think!

I remember way back I couldn’t sleep on Christmas Eve, you know, being a little kid and all.

So during this sleepless night where I guess my parents thought I was asleep, I heard my dad say “where do you think we should hide the new puppy?” That was pretty much at the top of my list, so naturally I was excited that I was getting a puppy. They talked for a good 20 minutes about the puppy, saying things like “how should we keep it from barking before he finds him?” before I dozed off.

Next morning, I discovered that my parents knew I was awake and just decided to f**k with me.

There was no god damn puppy.

I got a Gameboy though, so it wasn’t too bad.

1. That’s more than a little disturbingly funny.

A French girl I met in a hostel came in to where I was sleeping and just sat there.

I had just cut it off with her so I didn’t want to deal with her s**t so I pretended to be asleep for a few minutes. She just mumbled random s**t, she was pretty drunk. Finally what got me up was when, in the cutest french accent, she told me she was going to set me on fire in my sleep.

I should have mentioned that, yes, I did sleep with her again after that.

Sometimes you gotta do messed up s**t to stay not on fire.

I’m going to have to pretend to be asleep more often, y’all!

Of course, most of the time I pretend to be asleep, I actually fall asleep, because I am old and tired. I’ll have to work on it!

Have you ever overheard something juicy when someone else thought you were asleep? Share it with us in the comments!