My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

— The Dad Briefs (@SladeWentworth) February 10, 2019

WHY WON'T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

— JPo (@Peauxtassium) September 9, 2018

Married sex is like traveling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 13, 2019

me: Have you seen my keys?
wife: No. Did you check your pocket?
me: Yeah
wife: Both of them?
me [mocking] "Both of them?”
wife:
me *finds keys* No

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 8, 2019

Wife: is that what you’re wearing?
Me: I guess not.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2019

Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 8, 2019

My husband ate all the cookies and called it a snacksccident. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

— Lisabug (@Lisabug74) February 2, 2019

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) February 7, 2018

Wife: I just vacuumed so don't make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don't make a mess dad

Me: I'm not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) April 16, 2019

We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 23, 2019

Instead of my husband asking me what I want to watch, he asks me what I want to fall asleep to & that pretty much sums up a marriage.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 27, 2019

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 29, 2018

Being a husband means that sometimes you are required to answer questions like, “What’s the name of the guy from the place who does the thing?”

— Mommy Owl (@Mommy__Owl) June 30, 2018

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 25, 2019

I get my hair cut and colored and my husband doesn’t notice for an entire week, but I draw one penis on his face and he notices the very next morning.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 8, 2019

Talked with another dad about how much I hate shopping with my wife at Old Navy for 10 minutes before I realized that he was a mannequin.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 28, 2019