Married life: it’s full of ups and downs, zigs and zags, etc. But you’re both on the journey of a lifetime, so you know you’re experiencing something incredible together.
But…there are still a lot of ridiculous/hilarious/preposterous moments, aren’t there?
Just like these.
1. Sounds about right
My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017
2. That’s why you’re here
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) February 10, 2019
3. Wait, they can’t hear that?
WHY WON'T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) September 9, 2018
4. You also might need a PowerPoint
Married sex is like traveling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 13, 2019
me: Have you seen my keys?
wife: No. Did you check your pocket?
wife: Both of them?
me [mocking] "Both of them?”
me *finds keys* No
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 8, 2019
6. Not anymore
Wife: is that what you’re wearing?
Me: I guess not.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 3, 2019
7. Thank you!
Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 8, 2019
8. Might be a deal breaker
My husband ate all the cookies and called it a snacksccident. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
— Lisabug BBQJonze (@Lisabug74) February 2, 2019
9. Make sure to get that spot
I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest shit. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting shit away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”
— motherducker (@houseandhens) February 3, 2019
10. That is crucial
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) February 7, 2018
11. Uh oh
Wife: I just vacuumed so don't make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don't make a mess dad
Me: I'm not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
— *sigh*clops (@DadZZZasleep) April 16, 2019
12. The PEAK
We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019
13. I thought it was funny
wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 23, 2019
14. Sums it up
Instead of my husband asking me what I want to watch, he asks me what I want to fall asleep to & that pretty much sums up a marriage.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 27, 2019
15. Hey o!
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 29, 2018
16. I know the answer!
Being a husband means that sometimes you are required to answer questions like, “What’s the name of the guy from the place who does the thing?”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 30, 2018
Wife: Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie?
Me: It’s pronounced quiche.
— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) February 5, 2019
18. A little too late
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 25, 2019
19. What’s the deal?!?!
I get my hair cut and colored and my husband doesn’t notice for an entire week, but I draw one penis on his face and he notices the very next morning.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 8, 2019
20. Oh, never mind…
Talked with another dad about how much I hate shopping with my wife at Old Navy for 10 minutes before I realized that he was a mannequin.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 28, 2019
It’s worth it all in the end though, isn’t it friends?