At one point or another, we’ve all fantasized about going off on a boss or a coworker and crashing out work in a spectacular fashion, flipping everyone the double-bird as the door hits us on the ass on the way out.

Well…not everyone is given that glorious opportunity. And these 22 people did some pretty ridiculous crap and got themselves canned long before they ever got the chance to ride off into the sunset. These stories are an EPIC collection of the best (and worst) reasons people got fired from their jobs.

1. Gave Lohan a run for her money

“My favorite event happened right after Christmas in 2012. The grooming salon needed some extra help washing dogs, so I hired a sweet, young red-headed girl we will call Lizzy. Now, the head groomer and her assistant were a pair of mean girls and decided they didn’t like Lizzy, so they came up with a plan to make Lizzy leave. Lizzy had just gotten a nice new purse for Christmas, so the head groomer and her assistant decided, ‘Hey, let’s ruin Lizzy’s purse!’ When Lizzy found what they did, she came running to me crying with the most awful smelling purse in the world. Thankfully, the groomer mean girls weren’t too smart and did it right in front of a camera. Lizzy and I both sat horrified as we watched it. When I was firing the two girls, they told me the whole process: They decided to collect dog feces, an*l gland secretions, and old rotten Chinese food, mix it all in a baggie and let it ferment for a week. Then they poured it in the poor girl’s new bag. Both of these women were in their early 30s with children – Sigh.”

2. For multiple reasons

“I saw someone get fired for coming to work dressed in a dog costume a day before Halloween. He refused to go back home to change. This was an office with a casual dress code, but the employee had a history of erratic behavior. He left with a sad doggy face and his tail between his legs.”

3. Awwwwww and ewwww

“Had to fire a girl for sleeping with a client – at a homeless shelter.”

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box

“My dad had to fire someone who stole clothes and shoes from our store and wore them to work the next day.”

5. Keep your plans to yourself

“There was one time I had to fire someone because I sent him out on a job that was supposed to only take 2-3 hours to complete. Before he left, he mentioned to the receptionist that he was going to make it last all day. She mentioned it to me, and sure enough, he returned over eight hours later. Being dishonest with a client’s money is not something I was going to tolerate.”

6. You’re on candid camera!

“A manager at my store stole a bag that a customer had left on the counter. He completely denied it and I believed him. But the customer was sure he’d left it there and asked to see the video. I hadn’t seen anything odd, so I showed it to the customer. He pointed out the bag, which we watched until the manager of 10+ years appeared on camera, took the bag, and left. Idiot.”

7. Killing futures

“I had to fire this kid from a gas station I worked at after he asked me if I ever poked holes in rubbers with a push pin (as he proceeded to punch holes in said rubbers). I have no idea how long he was doing it for, he worked there for over a year.”