9. Poopy Butt

I recently bought my son a Nintendo 3Ds. They have cameras on them, which my son was super excited about because he’s never had anything with a camera on it before. He took it everywhere with him, and was constantly taking pictures of family and friends, as well as our pets. Well I found this to be adorable! I thought, ‘Aww, that was the best $130 or whatever that I ever spent, he likes it so much and is so entertained by it.’

One day while he was at school I pulled out his sim card so that I could insert it into the computer and look at all his pics. My husband and I were ohhing and ahhing over the pictures and saying how good of a little photographer he was. Until we got to a series of pictures that I had never thought would have existed. My son had taken his DS into the bathroom, and decided to take ten pictures of his butt while he was in the process of pooping! Seriously. It was ten close up shots of his poopy butt! I guess he jumped off the toilet mid poop and crouched over top of his DS and frantically started taking pictures.

Well, obviously I had to delete these, as that could by misconstrued in certain situations, and I just made sure to never allow my son to take his DS into the bathroom with him again. I probably wouldn’t have cared, but I could have gotten in big trouble had those pictures been found by a teacher or something (he is notorious for sneaking toys to school) so I definitely couldn’t completely ignore it. Oh and he is seven by the way. A very experimenting seven.

10. Abusive Deadbeat

I once walked in and listened for a good 30-45 seconds on my 4 y/o daughter holding a long conversation where Barbie was leaving Ken because he was an abusive deadbeat and Ken was alternately pleading and threatening Barbie, complete with name calling and accusations. Barbie sounded angry, but calm.

The depth of her understanding of the situation weirded me out. We don’t let em watch Springer and we parents had never fought like that, even in private.

11. No batteries required

A few years ago, my daughter had signs of…something being wrong. We weren’t sure what, so we took her to the doctor, who tells us she has a double ear infection. That’s about what we thought it was, since she’d failed to notify us that she was in intense ear pain before, and those spread.

This one’s bad enough it needs to be flushed out. Set up the appointment, doctor does the one ear, no problem. Goes to do the second ear, and there’s a hard mass of wax that’s preventing anything from happening. EVERYTHING is locked up in there, nothing’s getting in or out…and the doctor’s thinking we need an X-ray to see what the hell’s going on. On the X-ray, a little tiny circle shows up.

It’s a hearing aid battery. My wife has hearing aids, and my daughter saw her put the batteries “into her ear” to hear better, and had gone into my wife’s purse and put a whole battery into her freaking eardrum. Ended up needing very minor surgery to get it out before it leaked acid onto her brain.

12. Tooth Fairy

Once day I found out my son was getting bullied by three other boys. I was going to call the school about it but my husband told me not to. I can only assume he told our son to fight them…

The day after my son came home from school all smiles. I asked him if the other kids were still giving him trouble and he just laughed and said “no, not anymore”. Meanwhile, I saw my husband in the mirror, he had his arms crossed any he was nodding, he was probably thinking “That’s my boy”

A few days pass and I think nothing of it. Then my son gets a virus on his computer and asked me if I could use my personal laptop while my husband got rid of the virus. I told him sure, and logged him in. He used it for a few hours until my husband got rid of the virus, then he shut down the laptop and gave it back to me.

Later that night I decided to go on Facebook and I noticed my son forgot to log out of his account. I know I shouldn’t snoop, but I was too tempted, so I looked at his messages. I saw he sent a message to the three boys that were bullying him, and I read it. The message was along the lines of “Hey Chris did you cry today because you saw your teeth on my necklace? If any of you [mess] with my again I’ll be adding more teeth to my necklace”. Then he added a photo of this string with a bunch of teeth tied to it, his “necklace” I assume.

So, I found out my son wears a teeth necklace to school.

When I told my husband he just laughed. Typical.

13. Yummy

Christmas Eve. Heard my 3 year old daughter say “Don’t worry.. you’ll go down in history”

Came around the corner to see what she was up to. She was in front of her play kitchen, stirring the frying pan.

In the frying pan was the head of a Rudolph reindeer toy.

14. No, you don’t

My 10 year old son recently insisted on watching Twilight. About an hour in he dreamily sighed and murmured: “I wish I were Bella.”

15. Soft glow

I went into my 6 year old son’s room around 10 o’clock at night when he was supposed to be asleep because I could see from the hallway that he was using a flashlight. Turns out he was naked from the waist down and had stretched the skin if his scrotum taught and was shining the flashlight through the skin if his scrotum to make his room glow a soft red color.

16. Hairiest ever

My son is 5. His aunt took him to the mall shopping last weekend. When he came home he whispered to me “I spied on [auntie] when she was getting changed and she has the HAIRIEST vagina I’ve ever seen!”

I’ll be reminding him of that in approximately 10 years.