8. The Power of Christ Compels You!

“Airbnb host since March here!

I had a guest who lives and runs an Airbnb on the east end of town who wanted to stay on the west side where we live (and it’s where all the beaches are).

She’s a Francophile, but in the same way DiCaprio was in Django Unchained. Her picture on Airbnb is her in a black and white striped shirt with a red bandana around her neck, a beret on her head, and a bottle of wine in hand. She greeted me with a butchered “Bon jour!” I took French for three years in high school, and though I’m nowhere near fluent, I’m definitely conversational, so I tried. She told me she didn’t understand “ca va” and I froze. She dropped “merci” and “au revoir” a few times over her stay, and at one point met our other guest, and when she introduced herself, shook the woman’s hand with both of her hands and said “enchantée.” It was awful.

After that whole mess, we sat down and talked. The first thing she did was ask me where I go to church, which was already kind of weird. I told her I’m Jewish and she contorted her face in a way where I could tell she was really uncomfortable, then through clenched teeth said, “that’s great.”

Then she told me about how the amount of chlorine in tap water can kill you if you take a steam shower.

I asked her what she does for a living. She said she goes into people’s homes and rearranges furniture to help with positive energy. I asked her “like Feng Shui?” “What’s that?”

I kind of avoided her the rest of the time she was there, but she did invite me to eat vegetables she brought from her garden. That was nice.

The next morning after she left I went to flip the room for the next guests. She had taken all the art off the walls and shoved it in the closet. She moved furniture around. She took the items off the top of the dresser and put them in the laundry basket, which she shoved under the bed, and in their place she left a pile of lavender that looked like it had been through an herb grinder.

On the bedside table was a bible, open to a specific passage and marked with the built-in bookmark ribbon. This was the worst part for me, because not only had she insulted my home and my art, but this felt pretty anti-Semitic.

I moved everything back and flipped the room for the next guest, then checked my messages. From her:

“Merci. Thanks for the stay.”

I responded, “Hey, you left your bible here! Do you want it back?”

“No, I left it for you.”

“Cool, I’ll toss it.””

9. Free Coke #2

“Everyone talks about hosts finding drug paraphernalia and whatnot in the house after guests leave. But I actually stayed in an Airbnb last year – my friend and I were in town for a music festival and we ended up just renting a single room in a house that the host also lived in. The first night was super chill, we just stayed in so the host brought out some wine and invited us to chill out with him in the living room. There were other rooms he was also renting out, but everyone else declined so it was just the three of us but it was all fun still. At the end of it he says “you guys are super cool, two of my favorite guests,” which was kind of odd but we figured he just wanted someone to hang out with for a couple hours and left it at that.

The next night though, my friend and I come home from our festival and we’re all tired from being out the whole day and we were just gonna sleep early. But then our host knocks on the door and tells us that he managed to get some cocaine and has lines set up in the living room of we wanted any. ????? We decline, but later on we peeked out of our room and sure enough he was out in the living room doing it all by himself.

The next morning was the morning we were set to leave, and on the way out our host apologizes for the night before and says that if we’re ever back in town we can stay at his place for no charge.”

10. Psychedelic Art Porn

“Rented to 2 well dressed and well spoken art students. At about 4am the neighbor called me asking what in the actual fuck is going on. I could hear this crazy music and loud sex in the background. Drove over. They have about 30 people in myb one bedroom. Naked. Covered in glitter, paint, wine. They’re all banging. One dude is sitting in the corner looking at them like he’s examining a painting, making suggestions to add to the “art piece”. There are naked people everywhere. A TON of alcohol. Piles of lsd, e, and mushrooms. Red wine, glitter, semen, blood and paint covered EVERYTHING. there was a random feral cat inside. There’s a dude screaming randomly in the middle of the road about nonsense. My apartment was used to film some weird psychedelic art porn.”