I love listening to boasters/braggers/liars. It doesn’t annoy me at all, I just think it’s hilarious. It’s actually one of my favorite pastimes. Just keep egging ’em on, and you’ll be regaled with incredible tales all night long (especially when there’s drinking involved).
These folks from AskReddit share the most absurd things they ever heard people brag about. Prepare to be blown away…
1. Very impressive
Once I overheard a girl bragging to her friends how she could fit half of her boyfriend’s penis in her nose.
I’m still curious about that to this day.
Was having a few pints with the Mrs. and overheard a young lady talking about how she got “SO WASTED” last night. Turns out she got in her car then smashed up a parked car, knocked down a stop sign and turfed her neighbors lawn.
So I chatted her up, found out that she did all this in the city where I conveniently serve as a police officer. Convinced her to sit with my wife and I for a while while we picked her brain about her “CRAZY NIGHT.”
Meanwhile I called up a few “friends” to come join us. Detectives. Turns out her little crime spree caused $50k in damage.
3. This actually is impressive (to me)
When my friend was 11 years old he drove 40 minutes to a Gamestop to buy Assassins Creed when it was released. His parents never found out.
4. Genius level
Having an IQ of 95. That’s right, almost a perfect 100.
5. The future of this country is bright
Far too many of my students brag about never having read an entire book. I quickly inform them they should be humiliated by, not proud of, this fact.
6. Showed you!
“At least I have an STD to prove I’ve had sex.” Not that a person should be ashamed of it, but Genital Herpes isn’t anything to brag about.
7. Nice work!
A guy I knew freshman year in high school constantly bragged about having sex. Then half way into the school year he got the girl pregnant, which he bragged about.
8. No one cares
I brag that I can say the alphabet backwards but no one ever seems to care.
“yo, I smoked like… 3 bowls. and just had like.. 12 beers. I’m prolly the best driver out there.” I don’t wanna hear about your high/drunk driving.
10. Classy guy
A friend brags about how many people he has masturbated to.
11. Life goals
I have a friend who claimed that he had never lost a single game of Blitz for N64. He believed that amongst all of the completely random turnovers and overall craziness of that game, in all of his years of playing, he had NEVER lost. He lost the second game he played that night. Didn’t take it too well.
My one friend brags about how much extra ballsack skin he has…
13. These folks are the worst
I dislike when people brag about ignorance. One guy I know does this all the time. He’ll talk about how he doesn’t know where China is on a map of the world, about how he doesn’t know the name of our prime minister (!!!), about how he’s proud that he doesn’t use your/you’re and their/there/they’re correctly, and other such things. He’ll say that knowing things about geography, politics, grammar or what have you are only for “losers”. Ugh.
Unfortunately, this was me when I was about 10 or 11:
“It won’t be that easy to fool me. I was almost a spelling bee champion.”
15. Over the line
Some people think mom jokes are funny or whatever, and I take unwarranted pride in going above and beyond their joke to make them uncomfortable.
“I had sex with your mom last night!”
“Oh yeah? Did she do that thing where she puts her legs behind her head and puts the silverware up her butt? That costs extra, so probably not.”
Usually I end up looking worse and the vibe gets really weird in the room, but hey, no one makes fun of my mom anymore!
The amount of hair they have on their butt. My friend has a lot of body hair, I won’t deny it. But he lets everybody know about it. The worst part he brags about is his butt hair. He has to get naked before pooping to maximize his leg spread. He has to wipe beforehand so his hair is out of the way before he poops. Otherwise he gets dingleberries or hanging chads (whatever you call them) every poop. He brags about this as if it isn’t an annoying aspect to life.
17. Something to brag about
Girl at work brags constantly about having a lot of allergies – to gluten, eggs, lactose, blah blah blah. If there’s one thing on Earth that wasn’t put here to kill her, she doesn’t know about it. But when she explains her allergies to anyone who will listen, she doesn’t go into any detail about it, rather just explains it as “I am really allergic to honey. Like, REALLY allergic.” “I am really allergic to bananas. Like, REALLY allergic.”
18. I’ve met people like this
I play in an adult kickball league. There is this dude who takes it way too serious. Every time we play his team I call him Captain Kickball. One game he got super pissed and started yelling bout how he knows how to play the best. It was priceless. Tool.
19. Not a bad deal?
My ex’s idiot sister used to brag about how she would sleep with her mechanic friend whenever she needed work done on her car. I guess he promised her a “discount.”
20. A class act
The amount of girlfriends they have cheated on.
21. “The greatest”
Our old apartment had a nice homeless guy who spent most of his day and night in the parking lot. He was schizophrenic, but usually he would just tell himself the most amazingly weird stories, drink beer, and he would belt out Beverly Hills by Weezer when it came on the radio (every day). When his stories had him being particularly cool, he occasionally decided, “I may not be smart, and I may not be handsome, but I am the greatest American who ever lived.” I miss hearing him.
How he can live off his parents all his life if he wants to. This kid has definitely failed 80% of his classes. He brags about being the richest kid, and his dad’s Chrysler. He is obnoxious around people, but I honestly think behind all of that stuff that he’s a decent person. Just that he feels the need to over compensate his academic idiocy.
23. Couch potato
Watching 11 seasons of Cheers immediately followed by 11 seasons of Frasier.
24. Serious business
I witnessed a conversation between two women bragging/competing about who woke up earlier to walk their dogs.
25. Sword play
I once knew a guy who would brag about literally anything, provided he got the impression that someone else thought it would be cool. So one day, hanging out with this kid (let’s call him Steve) and a friend, my friend says, “hey, I bet I can get Steve to say that he cut a bird in half with a samurai sword.” A dubious charge, yes, so I took the action.
Later, my friend casually suggests that, since a samurai sword was such an efficient weapon, it would be cool if someone were able to slice up a bird mid-flight with one. Steve immediately piped up, saying “actually dude, one time me and my brother were playing with those in my backyard and…”
26. Way to go!
One kid in grade 8 would always try to break his record for time starting masturbating to finish. One day he came into class and proudly proclaimed “7 SECONDS!” We all knew what he meant. Honestly a lot of us were impressed as well.
It was unbelievable that he thought it was something to be proud of, but a guy I used to work with bragged that his son had killed a guy. His son was one of the soldiers that was implicit in the death of an Afghan taxi driver that was tortured to death in the early 2000’s. The documentary “Taxi to the Dark Side” is about the entire ordeal.
28. This is great
A coworker bragged about being so wholesome that she had never smoked pot. She did used to huff air duster while pregnant, but never pot.
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You rock! Thanks for reading!